Ward's Words #632

Why did Casper get all bent out of shape when I refused to be his friend.  He said he was gonna cut me.  Friendly ghost my butt!!!

Ward's Words #630

I don't want to say my technology is out of date but the vehicle on my GPS is a covered wagon. 

Ward's Words #628

For my birthday, a friend of mine brought me a long silver pole. I know what you're thinking. "Aren't you afraid someone might steal such a valuable gift?"  Well, no. Luckily I have a pole vault. 

Ward's Words #628

I’m sick and tired of scooping poop.  The next dog breed I’m getting is of the cartoon variety. 

Ward's Words #625

Just when you start to get over how creepy KFC commercials are Burger King rolls out their big, plastic headed King. How cereal killer creepy is he. I'm having nightmares here people.

Ward's Words #624

Ward's Words #624  I just don't think Kentucky Fried Chicken gets it. Sure the first Colonel was way too creepy but the second is just a little less so. Hey KFC. Maybe having an old p-fashioned, southern, white cracker hawking your chicken is just a bad (creepy) idea in the 21st century.  Just saying.

Ward's Words #621

Every time I try to return my glasses to the optometrist they're closed.  It’s almost like they see me coming.

Ward's Words #619

During Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, why didn't they want Hermey to be a dentist when at the end of the show they clearly had a need for one. 

Ward's Words #618

Do you know what bothers me about Star Wars?  They're always forcing The Force on you. 

Ward's Words #615

Isn’t it odd that in the second Star Trek movie the Enterprise sent a Vulcan into a volcano to act as a volcanologist.  Does anyone else see a theme here?

Ward's Words #613

For sale, seven person touring vessel.  The boat is currently shipwrecked on a desert island.  Hole in the side, No phone, no lights no motor cars, not a single luxury.  If you like living like Robinson Crusoe, you’ll love the SS Minnow.  Pick-up only.

Ward's Words #612

My school supplied the staff with red bags full of emergency supplies and a yellow vest to wear during disaster and shooter drills.  Great idea guys.  Let’s just put a bullseye on our backs.   

Ward's Words #610

My neighbors are complaining that Legolas is not a Christmas decoration. I argue that He's an elf dammit!  Sure, maybe adding Gimli was a stretch, but at least I didn't put up the Eye of Sauron this year.

Ward's Words #608

Penguins in the North Pole.  Who’s Santa kidding.  Nice try Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  I would’ve believed it too if not for the jerky jerky movements of your claymation, stop-action story.  It reminds me a little too much of the grudge girl.

Ward's Words #605

There's a select group of Walmart clientele that makes me wonder where they hung out before the megastore opened its doors.  I don't remember ever seeing a side show like that before. 

Ward's Words #603

My wife had a stalker recently, but it’s all ok now. The police caught him. He had a shrine built to her. He must've been going through our garbage cause they found hair and even toe nails in his adoration shrine. The funny thing is, he mistook her curly locks for some of my back hair I’d shed in the fall. I just don't have the heart to tell him that at the trial. 

Ward's Words #601

I recently watched the Man V’s Food where he was in Pittsburgh.  Seriously?  We sent him to Quaker Steak and Lube and Primate’s?  Quaker Steak, where they have little dried-up wing dings.  Ok, they do have a lot of sauces but you have to admit those wing dings are embarrassing.  There are a lot of Wing places that have much better sauces as well as WHOLE WINGS!  And Primate’s…  Their small sized sandwiches totally lack flavor.  Coleslaw is not just cabbage and vinegar and fries on a sandwich is not original.  Heck, Sammy Thompson used to crush potato chips on his sandwich in 1st grade.  Was Sam a brilliant sandwich designer?  No!  I wind up picking them off most of the time anyways, so I don’t see the big deal.  We could’ve sent him to some of our fantastic eateries…  unique diners…  but we sent him to chain restaurants instead.  So embarrassing.  

Ward's Words #600

When I was young my bowels would be lulled by the gentile rocking and swaying of a nice car ride.  One time on a date I felt the pressing urge to let one rip.  I would’ve obliged myself if not for two things.  I was on a date with a really hot girl and she was actually willing to go on a date with me.  As we pulled into the parking spot at the movies I quickly told her to wait so I could open the door.  As my door closed I farted a long loud sounder.  Taking my time I strolled around the car waving my arm trying to cut off any stench that could possibly be following me.  As I reached inside the now open door I realized my mistake.  I was offering her the hand I’d been waving behind me.  My beautiful date wrinkled her nose in disgust and I knew with utmost certainty that this would be our first and last date so I did what any jilted suitor would do.  I took her to see “Ernest goes to Jail” and laughed obnoxiously the whole flick. 

Ward's Words #598

Boy, the Geek Squad guys get mad when you call them Poindexter. I guess my mistake was confusing them with nerds. Maybe next time I'll try Lewis or Booger and hopefully I won’t suffer their revenge. 

Ward's Words #596

You know you're a redneck when you get mad at a 6 year old for not being able to hold his liquor.

Ward's Words #594

I tried one of those magnetic bracelets that are supposed to take away pain.  It drew all my iron to that spot and I nearly had a stroke.  So much for relieving pain…

Ward's Words #592

While at drug stores, I like drinking out of the pharmacies water fountain. Just the thought of all those exotic diseases sipping from that spout makes me want to swoon. 

Ward's Words #590

The fine people at Ward’s Words have abandoned their new timekeeping device.  It was called the times table but we felt it didn’t add up?

Ward's Words #587

Why, when something hurts, do we constantly want to touch it. 

Ward's Words #585

I like to ask people I associate with if, in an emergency, they would eat a human being. It allows me to keep potential cannibals at arms distance. 

Ward's Words #583

The first silk top hat in England is credited to George Dunnage.  Nice name George, did you think men would put it on their bottom if you didn’t add some type of directions in the name.  

Ward's Words #582

Man, do the workers at Lowes get mad when you try to test out a shower?  Hey, I’m not naked, I’m shopping.  These people need to cut the crap and let people make an informed decision.  Crap…  Hmmm…  I do need a new toilet.

Ward's Words #579

We, the fine people of Ward's Words, have developed the hidden power to read minds. We harnessed this ability through rigorous training, pushing our test subjects to the point of damaging their exhausted minds. The only limitation we've encountered is that we can only communicate through telepathy with athletes minds. Therefore we will call this new scientific breakthrough ESPN. 

Ward's Words #578

That's the last time I take a low budget flight. They served cabbage stew for our meal.  Let me tell you they didn’t need wings to keep us airborne but they did have problems landing the plane.

Word's Words #575

Just remember that if you help someone with a crime you’re just a loose end.  Loose ends usually don't survive very long.

Ward's Words #573

Why not just start making Solent Green? Now that we know that 2% of hotdog samples tested contained human DNA, what's the big deal.

Ward's Words #572

Being old has it’s benefits.  I get so many calories from my morning pills that I can skip breakfast. 

Ward's Words #570

Dddammit!!!  Why ddddid I procrastinate the iiice bbucket challenggge….  Burrrrrr

Ward's Words #567

These kids now-a-days are wimps. Air soft guns?  In my day we shot each other with BB guns.  

Disclaimer;

Ward’s Words is not responsible for the misuse of any air powered rifle. However, Ward’s Words does not guarantee the correctness and completeness of the information provided in it’s jokes. Equally, Ward’s Words does not guarantee that this information is up to date. Please remember that Ward’s Words uses trained personnel while shooting each other with air rifles.  Do NOT try this at home.

Ward's Words #566

Did you ever take a huge gulp of apple cider and think about how many worms were squished in that batch. 

Ward's Words #564

Well, vanishing cream doesn't work.  Now I'm cold, naked, and totally visible.  Why did I ever get the idea to try it downtown? 

Ward's Words #562

The fine people at Ward's Words are issuing a product recall.  It’s been brought to our attention that the home vasectomy kit has a flaw.  The lack of any form of anesthetic was absent from out kit.  In order to address this oversight we will be supplying a medium sized rubber mallet.  If it was good enough for the Moe, Larry, and Curly, it’s good enough for us.  Nyuk nyuk nyuk…

Ward's Words #561

I think it's funny that all Christians don't see the truth of evolution. Their bible has evolved how many times?  The King James Bible, Living Bible, the Amplified Bible, the Coverdale Bible, the Concordant Bible, the Darby Bible, the Tyndale Bible, to name but a few.

Ward's Words #559

My sculpture class made some artwork recently, but they didn't go over well with the parents.  I guess using earwax for the medium was a bad idea. 

Ward's Words #556

The life of a politician. Part-time worker with full-time benefits and pay. 

Ward's Words #554

Michael Meyer’s sister must be pretty dense.  She always hangs out in her home town during Halloween?  Why not get in a car and drive away?  As slow as Michael walks, a bicycle would even be fast enough to keep ahead of him.

Ward's Words #553

While walking through the grocery store yesterday I noticed organic tomatoes cost more than regular tomatoes.  If the definition of organic is, “of, relating to, or derived from living matter” aren’t all tomatoes organic? 

Ward's Words #550

That’s it.  Instead of going green, I’m foregoing green.  That’s right, I’m going to stop eating all fruits and vegetables.  Do you know where they grow?  In the dirt, under the unsanitary sky, where any insect or dirty animal can do anything they want to them.  And even worse, we intentionally put poop on them.  I’m telling you the truth, manure is poop.  I’m foregoing green to eat safer food.  Food manufactured in spotlessly clean laboratories, untouched by human hands.  Who could say no to a nice bowl full of poop free riboflavin?  

Ward's Words #548

Why do caramel apples exist?  We just eat the caramel and throw apple away when we’re done.  The apple is simply the vehicle that transports the caramel to our mouth.  I think we should forgo green and leave the nasty apple out of the equation.

Ward's Words #547

Milk Duds is an example of a good product with a bad name.  I never eat anything called a dud.

Wards Words #545

Odorless Ben Gay makes me feel better while not making me smell like an old man.  Not that the wrinkles and gray hair aren't a dead give-away?  

Ward's Words #542

The best thing about the zombie apocalypse is no baths.  HEY!!!  I went swimming two days ago.  That aught to hold me for at least another day.

Ward's Words #541

I like to drive at night with my lights off. I call it stealth mode. Sure I do have a slight collision problem, but I just can't get past how cool it is calling it stealth mode. 

Ward's Words #538

Why waste time on awful tasting energy drinks in the morning. For your next breakfast meal eat chocolate. Get your caffeine the great tasting way.

Ward's Words #336

With all of the mermaids in the ocean you’d think it would be tidier.  

Ward's Words #534

I wish Nick Fury would leave me alone.  I’m not joining the Avengers.  I’m already in a group.  We call ourselves the Surrenders.  We’re not so much heroes, but we do give up quickly.

Ward's Words #532

I love it when guys, who are watching a movie about a man who gains super powers from being hit by a radioactive spider, complain of something not being real enough.

Ward's Words #531

I like to leave my grass long.  It’s not because I’m lazy and don’t want to cut it.  It’s because I love the thrill of tiptoeing through the poop minefield while cleaning up after my dog.

No Ward's Words tonight. Instead, I have a short story on my friend's blog.

Click here for the website.

Ward's Words #528

The new Energizer batteries use 4% recycled batteries. I wonder how much energy it takes to recycle them. I guess 4% really doesn't impress me. Would you eat a hamburger with 4% recycled meat. Ok, maybe that was a bad example, but can you see where we are going. I mean, how many people are duped by their claim of recycling.

Ward's Words #527

I don’t understand why people say, “Have fun,” when they hear I’m going on a vacation.  Didn’t they think that thought had already occurred to me.  “Oh, I never thought of that.  I could combine my vacation with some fun.”

Ward's Words #524

I find it very rude to have a conversation while driving. The whole time you're having a discussion, the people in the front seat have their backs to the passengers in the rear. They have to talk to the back of your head. It's totally unacceptable. The good people at Ward's Words have changed all that. We reversed the front seat to facilitate better discussions. Sure, it does make it harder to drive, but that's what cruise control is for, right. 

Ward's Words #523

I'll never do EVP's in my house again. All I could hear was lots of paranormal laughing sounds. It wouldn't be as disturbing if I wasn't in the bathroom at the time. 

Ward's Words #521

If Christians want to weaken Satan’s demons hold on our world why would we exercise them?  Doesn’t that make them stronger?

Ward's Words #518

I’m trying to figure out why cats want to live with humans.  We seem to be such an inconvenience to them.

Ward’s Words #517

Ward’s Words, in an attempt to one up NASA found water on Uranus.  This begs the question of life being… what?  It was your anus?  You used a towel to… DAMMIT!  Never mind. 

Ward's Words #514

An iceberg sinking The Titanic is the the greatest zombie outbreak coverup story ever.

Ward's Words #513

At the beginning of Dog the Bounty Hunter is a message stating, "Don't try this at home."  I don’t get it.  Do they think I’ll try to collect a bounty on my brother or something.  Not that he jumped bail or anything.  Although, he did skip out on a grounding once.  I wonder what that would be worth?

Ward's Words #512

I was stopped in the airport and they said they had to preform a cavity search. Let's just say my dentist never looked there for a cavity. 

Ward's Words #509

Did you now you have a ballcock in your toilet?  That’s right, the guts of your toilet is called a ballcock.  I can’t write them this easy.  Wow.

Ward's Words #507

I wouldn't go down the street to Circle K with Liam Neeson.  I’d probably wind up in Istanbul sold into the flesh trade.  Well, the joke’s on them cause I lost a lot of weight.

Ward's Words #506

I started working from home a few weeks ago. Sadly, my boss hasn't noticed it yet. Maybe I should've told her.  

Ward's Words #504

The age old question when only one slice of pizza remains in the box being shared with friends.  Who gets the last slice?

Ward's Words #502

Recently a Meme started circulating, challenging one of my moms pet peeves. It says making your bed might encourage dust mites to breed. I knew leaving my bed a mess was the good and safe thing to do.  Now, if they can only debunk that brush your teeth before bed myth we can all breathe easier. 

Ward's Words #500

If someone staggers towards me with a big, red stain around their mouth, I immediately bash said person in the head. Sorry gramma.  It was really nice of your to invite me to your barbecue, but you shouldn’t really sneak up on a guy.  Don’t worry about Paps.  He was reaching for a napkin and I thought he was reaching for my brains, so he’ll be joining you in the great beyond.  Shesh, at this rate we’ll be able to have family reunions in a phone booth.  

Ward's Words #498

You know your joke writing hobby has hit a new low when you hashtag the word poop.  I think I need a new hobby.

Ward's Words #496

I read recently that peeing around the boundaries of your property keeps coyotes away.  For years, April has been trying to get me to stop but hey, I take my family’s safety seriously.  So, hand me a big glass of water and take a few steps back.

Ward's Words #494

I got poop on my shoe during my journey in the astral plane, so I guess you could say it  was really crappy.  Ok, maybe I’m taking too many liberties with the word astral, but my 3rd grade mind still thinks it’s funny.

Ward's Words #492

Why do companies that make shampoo and conditioner put them in bottles that look exactly alike?  Why is the font so small, since you’re in the shower and probably not wearing your glasses. That's why the good people at Ward’s Words started a task force to help tell what you're really picking up. Identipoo, as we like to call it, will come in two totally different looking bottles with large font, I’m thinking 100pt.  If someone steals your Identipoo you can call our Identipoo theft hotline and we can replace your loss.  

Ward's Words #489

Did you ever notice that the kid who builds the tree house isn’t, usually, the first one in it. I think they understand their lack of engineering skills and want a test subject.

Ward's Words #488

I was recently in IKEA and while visiting the bathroom noticed that it was on the wrong side.  The men's room was on the right. It felt odd, going to the wrong side.  I guess that's how it feels driving in England, on the wrong side of the road. 

Ward's Words #485

Why are the images taken with surveillance cameras so crappy.  The criminals faces are usually pixilated and distorted. The news showed one tape and it looked like the convenience store was robbed by either the Mothman or Yosemite Sam.

The #500th Ward's Words is coming up soon.

The #500th Ward's Words is coming up soon. The fine people at Ward's Words have been working around the clock on this special edition we like to call, "Sorry Gramma."

Ward's Words #483

I don't want to say I'm a hipster, but my preferred web browser is Netscape. I'll show you in a few minutes as we wait for my dial-up to make the connection. "Dammit!!!  Phone in your prescriptions some other time gramma. I need to know if the new Flavor Flav album is in the record store yet.”  

Ward’s Words #481

I decided to take some leftover mac and cheese to work for lunch today. As a last minute addition, I decided to throw in some hotdogs.  I also dropped an old fashioned, windup alarm clock for a lesson I was going to teach. Well, to make a long story short, the SWAT team successfully detonated my lunch in the late morning. 

Ward's Words #480

Isn't it odd that the lifetime network shows mainly movies that are murder mysteries.

Ward's Words #478

There is only one public place where you are free to sneeze freely. The salad bar. Thank you plastic sneeze shield. 

Ward's Words #476

Ward's Words #476 Why do I always win when I play chess against myself? I'm either freak 'en amazing or a really good cheater.

Ward's Words #474

As part of my dinner I had some organic tomatoes. I can’t say they weren’t really good but I missed the spicy taste of the steroids and that zest of unwashed pesticides. 

Ward's Words #472

I love looking at classic cars. You can tell the true oldsters who own them by the matchbook jammed under the 8-track in the player. 

Ward's Words #469

Ladies, if instead removing your toenail polish you let them grow out, you're lazy. At some point they start to look like candy corn after a while which can be quite seasonal at the right time of year.

Ward's Words #467

Ladies.  If instead removing your toenail polish you let them grow out, you're lazy.  At some point they start to look like candy corn,  which can be quite seasonal at the right time of year. 

Ward's Words #465

The fine people at Ward’s Words came up with a reboot version of where's Waldo.  We call it, “Lenny Jumped Bail.”  You have to find the felon on the lamb, who’s wearing a classic black and white striped prisoner suit.  

Ward's Words #463

What would we do if everyone in the world had the urge to poop all at the same moment? Would it be women and children first?  Would it would be like the titanic, with not enough lifeboats, or in this case toilets? I can see the band guys playing their instruments as they shat themselves above deck. 

Ward's Words #461

I don't like things that are camouflage. I set it down in the woods and poof it's gone. I wouldn’t have been so concerned if it wasn’t my compass.

Ward's Words #460

The house I grew up in was very Darwinesque. Our mom would chase us out, first thing in the morning, and lock the doors.  She never thought for a minute that we had no water and no toilet, but I guess those things go hand in hand.  We’d eat what we found in the woods.  It was a real world survival of the fittest situation, but why did I always have to sample the berries first? 

Ward's Words #458

My scented candle business just went belly up. I knew I was ahead of my time when I invented the fart scented bathroom candle.

Ward's Words #457

If I consume an energy drink I nearly have a heart attack.  Kids now-a-days drink them and take a nap.  Take that if you don’t think we are evolving.

Ward's Words #454

Does anyone else think that Sunnydale High School had an extraordinary large collection of books on the occult?  I'll bet they banned Slaughterhouse Five though.

Ward's Words #453

I think smoke from a campfire, trickling through the branches of nearby trees, just seems a little bit cruel.

Ward's Words #451

When the dwarves first met Bilbo, they sang a song about their trip to the Misty Mountains.  What the crap.  They knew the whole journey from the start? 

Ward's Words #449

I don't think scented candles in the bathroom are such a good idea. A closed in area, where you are encouraged to break wind, is no place to put an open flame. 

Ward's Words #446

Styrofoam is a trade name.  The actual material is polystyrene. So, one could say all Styrofoam is polystyrene, but not all polystyrene is Styrofoam. 

Ward's Words #445

Does anyone else get infuriated by those commercials where people owe $300.000 dollars in taxes and they pay $3000?  How is that fair?

Ward's Words #443

I hate websites that use a slideshow format for their content. I like to send them feedback in in the form of another slideshow. They never get past the third slide before giving up. 

Ward's Words #440

I don't trust the hospital my niece was born in. She spent her first full day sleeping. When I suggested to the doctor that she might have narcapoloepsy, he just laughed and walked away.  Didn’t even test her.  

Ward's Words #439

If everyone doesn’t believe in zombies, then why do we bury our dead 6 feet underground?  If we weren’t so sure they’d raise from the grave you’d think a foot or two would do.

Ward's Words #437

I told my wife that I want to stop my snacking habit.  So now, every time I reach for a moon pie, she spritzed me in the face with a mister bottle. At least it beats the time I told her I wanted to stop singing. Those electronic bark collars really weren't meant for the shower. 

Ward’s Words #435

I was watching Mountain Men for the first time.  The guy had a bundle of sticks and was in trouble due to snow and the cold.  He said he would die after maybe two more days unless he found some wood.  I had to laugh.  Maybe the cameraman could help out cause I’m sure he isn’t risking his life.

Ward's Words #433

It is said it takes 1 million years for a plastic jug to decompose in the environment.  And we know this because someone actually sat and watched one for a million years?

Ward's Words #431

My friend was constipated and after returning from the bathroom, I asked him how it went.  He answered that it was nothing to write home about.  All I know is that he and I write home about totally different subjects.

Ward’s Words #428

You know your municipality is having hard financial times when they issue Chinese finger traps to the police in lieu of handcuffs.  

Ward’s Words #427

I sure hope mankind develops the technology to colonize other planets soon. That way, we can leave a trail of the worlds we've destroyed, but, by all means, fracking is safe and clean. Heck, 99% of our scientists are probably wrong about climate change, but they sure got it right with Viagra.  Millions of men pop those puppies like Tic Tacs, without even checking into the science behind that little blue pill.  That stuff causes bone pain, breast enlargement and sexual problems in men, to name but a few, but if guys don't care about side effects like those, then why would they care about global extinction?

Ward's Words #425

I like to pee while swimming in the reservoir. That way, everyone I know has a tiny particulate of me in them.

Ward's Words #423

Ward's Words #423 I just watched a special on how archeologists moved the ancient temple of Abu Simbel. They cut it apart with huge hand saws. And Ancient Aliens tries to tell us it would take superior technology to cut stone so precisely.  Egyptian hieroglyphics even show them using hand saws. Fool me once, shame on you...

Ward's Words #421

Have you ever bought a greatest hits album just to determined that the band had totally different criteria for the term hits than you do.

Ward's Words #418

I just watched an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter.  Did anyone else notice that he uses paintball guns.  “Stop, or I’ll make a discolored mark on your clothing.”

Ward's Words #416

A couple of hobbits just asked me if my septic tank is Mount Doom.  And the answer to your question is yes, it did destroy the One Ring. 

Ward's Words #414

Did you ever wonder how many serial killers you come in contact with throughout your life?

Ward's Words #413

The new Colonel Sander’s inappropriate laugh reminds me of George Bush’s. 

Ward's Words #411

Close your eyes and try to picture the back of your hand.  That’s right, if someone says they know something like the back of their hand, they probably don’t know much.

Ward's Words #409

My wife and I bought these eco friendly grocery bags.  You know the type, you take them into the store to carry your groceries out.  Well, we never remembered to take them in and so I wound up throwing them out.  Anyhow, yesterday I got a call from Ocean City and they said the eco friendly bag I threw out killed a dolphin.  This is the last time I write my name and address inside anything ever again.  I should’ve learned after the tragic giraffe/underoos incident.  So, any who, I’m going to stop trying to be green.  The environment isn’t any safer if I’m in it.

Ward’s Words #407

I just turned on my Tamagotchi and man was he screwed up?  Being cooped up in that tiny device for the nearly 20 years didn’t sweeten his disposition.

Ward's Words #405

I've been having some trouble coming up with new compositions for my paintings when it dawned on me. Coloring books. I've been such a patsy. Using my own mind when I could ride off the guiding lines of others.

Ward's Words #402

I think the History Channel has become the Ancient Aliens Channel.

Ward's Words #401

The question is, do you smile for a mug shot or try to act cool? I’m kinda in a hurry so I need to know right now…

Ward's Words #399

Any news reporter, who says climate change is wrong while a stock market report streams in the background is not reliable. 

Ward's Words #397

I think my dad was the brains behind the modern rails to trails movement.  Back in the 60’s he would take me and my brother to the railroad to play. It would’ve been easier to dodge the trains if we weren’t in a tunnel.

Ward's Words #395

I'm glad the thumb evolved facing the body. If it was on the other side, your fork would point away from your face. 

Ward's Words #393

When I'm in Ohio, I do whatever I want. I drive fast while texting, fight, steal. I do it all. I figure if they try to put me in jail I can just claim diplomatic immunity. Bingo, Pennsylvania will come to my rescue and I'll be back on the streets in less than an hour. 

Ward's Words #391

Every time the guys on Ancient Aliens mention Lake Titicaca I crack up like a third grader.  It wouldn't be so bad if they didn’t mention it several times in almost every show.

Ward's Words #390

If you're the driver on a tandem bike, is it normal to be paranoid that the person behind you isn't peddling. 

Ward's Words #387

The police in Hazard County are pretty lame. The Duke boys take them on a high speed chase and when they get away, the police seem to forget they ever broke the law. Couldn't the local cops just drive up to their house and arrest them?  If a criminal leaves the police man's sight, are they now innocent?  Every episode, these boys broke the law and got away with it.  

Ward's Words #386

Oddly, a planes black box is actually orange. The US government is so efficient. 

Ward's Words #383

The pizza shop down the street sells pizza by the slice.  It’s kind of fun watching them toss the small triangles in the air before they add the sauce and fixings.   

Ward's Words #381

The other day, I was in a men’s room which had a chair in the corner.  A chair.  Why the heck would you want to sit down in there, barring the obvious reason.  It’s not like you want to have a long conversation with someone while they take a dump.  Anything that can be said in there can be said anywhere else.  

Ward's Words #379

I’m giving up food.  It’s messy and has all that tiring chewing involved.  From now on I’m going to absorb light like the plants.  I’m calling this new form of eating being a UVegan.   I even thought of a slogan.  “There’s no better way of being green, than being a UVegan!”  I think it’s really going to catch on.

Ward's Words #378

I knew I should’ve paid attention to that Chupacobra crossing sign.  Like a good neighbor…

Ward's Words #376

You’ve really made it, as a musician, when your song is played in the grocery store.

Ward's Words #373

Am I the only one who doesn’t understand how a restaurant can say it’s sauce is homemade?  

Ward’s Words #372

Why are there two purples in a rainbow?  Both indigo and violet appear.  Ok, try to argue that.  Purple is a secondary color and indigo is a mix between blue and purple.  Since when do we allow a tertiary color in our spectrum.  I believe the natural sciences are becoming a wee bit liberal don’t ya think?

Ward's Words #370

Many years ago, when I was single, I was dumped by the girl I'd been dating. I asked my dad for advice and he said there are plenty of fish in the sea. We caught two bass and a walleye before he explained he meant girls.

Ward's Words #367

Not to say my wife is a bad driver but I have researched the best position to be in prior to the deployment of passenger side airbags.

Ward's Words #366

When I go on vacation I can never poop. It takes me a few days of being home to work that canon ball sized chunk of human waste out of my bowels. But when I go to a fair, I notice some people are so relaxed that they can poop in a small, blazing hot port-a-john. 

Ward's Words #363

Point Pleasant, West Virginia built a huge bug zapper manufacturing plant and coincidentally the Mothman hasn't been seen since.

Ward's Words #362

You'd think that we would've advanced past the use of shoelaces. Velcro made a good attempt and was warmly embraced by the AARP crowd, but never got a foothold elsewhere. We haven't even changed the knot in decades. We're getting ready to colonize Mars, but we use footwear from the 1600's. One step from the buckled shoes of the pilgrims, we boldly stride into the 21st century.

Ward's Word #359

Sure, we all know to stay away from a white panel van with no windows, but add some ice cream music and they're irresistible.

Ward's Words #357

I watched another chick flick. This one was different. They started out hating each other then liked each other and then there was a misunderstanding and then he stopped her at the airport and everything worked out. See, it's completely different from...

Ward's Words #356

In movies everyone has a theme song.  The sad thing is mine is the theme from the Three Stooges.

Ward's Words #353

At my last job interview, I did the Basic Instinct (Sharon Stone) leg cross.  You should’ve seen the look on the Human Resource woman’s face.  Totally stunned.  I think I nailed it!!!

Ward's Words #351

Free doughnut day is a complete scam. In order to get the free doughnut, you have to buy something. Since when does free involve a qualifying purchases?  I got all worked up for a rip-off. Even wasted a personal day for the event.

Ward's Words #350

I wanted to be a grown man, but after trying bunches of clusters of pine cones, I’ll stick to  some good old Captain Crunch.

Ward's Words #348

The weatherman said there was a slow moving stationary front in our area. I don't think he understands what stationary means.

Ward's Words #346

Most artists I know use a number 2 pencil.  That’s it.  If I really want to go dark I might add a 4B, but that’s only when I’m feeling a bit wild.  All those other pencils, included in sets, are a waste.

Ward's Words #344

I had to close my origami animal petting zoo. Paper cuts started a feeding frenzy in the paper tiger area and with the price of band aids.  I just had to fold my business.

Ward's Words #341

I bought an Egg McMuffin knock-off at a local gas station.  a sticker on it’s side said it’s best if used by Monday.  I’m just trying to figure out which Monday they were talking about?

Ward's Words #340

Whatever happened to the No #1 pencil?

Ward's Words #338

The crack researchers at Ward's Words have uncovered a new disease. It's called Sudden Bowel Movement or SBM. We correlated it when we get a good 20 miles from home and I have to find a bathroom suddenly. Oh, that gentle swaying of the car lulls my bowels into action every time.

Ward's Words #335

When I see someone wearing pajamas out in public, I immediately wonder if those are his/her good pjs.  You know, the ones you’d wear on special occasions.

Ward's Words #334

I tried to make my very own Godzilla by placing my lizard in the microwave.  I figured microwaves, radiation, heck, they’re probably the same thing.  Now, the house has a funky smell and I have to clean the microwave… again.  How was I supposed to know how long to put him in for?

Ward's Words #332

Since the Greek god Pan was the inspiration for the goatee, could we say the facial hair style was inspired by a goat?  Because I usually choose my styles from domesticated animals.

Ward's Words #330

At what age do you stop playing the lottery? What are you going to buy?  You’re too old to travel.  You can’t taste rich foods.  Where does the spending spree start?  “I’m gonna get that second set of dentures for eating corn.”

Ward's Words #327

Why do we find the idea of eat some cookies with a big old glass of human breast milk so unappetizing, but exchange the human milk with a cows shouldn’t that be even more gross?

Ward's Words #326

If Darwin would have found my septic tank he wouldn’t have needed to go all the way to Galapagos Island, he could have seen evolution here.  Sure, it may be more of a mutation, but I’m seriously considering changing my diet.

Ward's Words #324

When my dad got his pacemaker changed I asked for the old one.  I figured it'd be good for something on eBay. I mean it lasted 7 years on one charge. My phone completely drains in a day. It’s probably some kind of alien technology.

Ward's Words #322

Does anyone else get anxious while having an eye exam. The constant, "which is better.  This or this."  I get flustered and start second guessing my choices.

Ward's Words #319

After passing a shoe lying beside the road, did you ever try to piece together what happened?  Why one shoe?  I feel like Castle, trying to piece together the scene of the crime. I know what a single sock means but a shoe?

Ward's Words #318

I thought I'd redesign the laptop.  I guess thinking outside the box was a bad idea. The lapbottom tended to overheat and had a really weird smell.

Ward's Words #315

I went to the store to purchase two mother’s day cards.  The clerk asked me for $14.00 for the pair and I walked out.  $7.00 apiece for something that is going to be opened, read, passed around the room and by the end of the day, be in the garbage can.  No way, I tell ya.  Where're my crayons!!!

Ward's Words #313

I had the great idea to tie dye my swimming trunks.  I guess I shouldn't have used watercolor paints.  Worse yet, I went really heavy on the yellow.

Ward's Words #312

I joined the back hair club for men. I'm not just a member, I'm the president and after I take my shirt off, their God.

Ward's Words #310

Did you ever try to throw away a garbage can?  It's nearly impossible.  They are the boomerangs of the trash business.  I even wrote a note on one.  It said, “This is garbage.”  The waste management person wrote underneath, “No it's not.  It's where you put the garbage.  We call it a trash can.”

Ward's Words #308

My dad may look like Yoda, but he never trained me in the Jedi ways.  I think he’s holding out.

Ward's Words #306

I think Steakums bear that name because when you find out what they’re made of, your first comment is, "I thought these were steak ummm."

Ward's Words #304

My home is called a Craftsman.  I think it’s called that because I need a ton of Craftsman tools to keep it standing…

Ward's Words #302

I don’t like to watch Major League Baseball.  I find the constant of flashing gang symbols between the pitcher and catcher a little too disturbing.

Ward's Words #300

My dentist is a direct descendent from the one who worked on George Washington. If only I could get him to whittle my dentures a little faster...

Ward's Words #297

I find it redundant that they ship cardboard boxes in cardboard boxes.  I wonder if they get those shipping cardboard boxes from a cardboard box?

Ward's Words #295

Why don’t my dogs treats taste like beef and cheese?  That’s the last time I steal a snack from him.

Ward's Words #293

Just by his name Batman strikes fear in his foes.  I just don’t get Robin.  Maybe if he is battling The Worm…

Ward's Words #291

The catcher on my high school baseball team only had one finger on his throwing hand.  I thought he really liked my fastballs.

Ward's Words #289

My wife is so thoughtful, she signed me up for the Mars mission.  She knows how much I love science and even though I may never come back… HEY!  Wait a minute!!!  That’s why you moved all my stuff into the basement.

Ward's Words #287

I was just thinking about the movie Star Wars.  The Empire’s plan was to put all their eggs (troops) in one basket (Death Star) and they thought that was a good idea.  Sure, one mega explosion and they lose everything.  What kind of idiot commanders did the Empire have?  They lost all tactical advantages like, let’s surround them and we’ll get them in a crossfire.  I also like how ponderously slow the whole thing turns.  They only had one big gun?  It’s the size of a planet and only one gun?  That’s no way to dominate a star system boys.  I’ll bet General Ackbar was secretly laughing at Darth Vader at some point.

Ward's Words #285

If you've recently had a dog pass away, come down to Ken's Coffins and Cookouts (a subsidiary of Ward's Words) where we specialize in immortalizing your pets lasting memories.  A little barbecue sauce and Spot will stay with you for at lease the next 24 to 48 hours. And if you have a septic tank, then you could say the road to the underworld runs literally right through you.

Ward's Words #283

I started wearing a new cologne.  It’s one of those that has pheromones in it.  It’s not working with women, but the neighborhood dogs seem to like it.

Ward's Words #282

I can’t believe it took the Wright brothers years to figure out flight.  I figured it out in about 3 minutes during study hall.  Unlike the wright brothers, I didn’t get accolades for my invention.  My paper plane got me a prime seat in detention.  Way to go Ambridge Area School District.  Stifle a young inquisitive mind instead of nurturing and fostering it’s growth.

Ward's Words #272

I’m pretty sure the silver jumpsuit is the clothing of the future.  If only someone could figure out a solution for how awkward jumpsuits are in the bathroom, I’d be onboard 100%.

Ward's Words #270

Irregular clothes fit me better than normal ones?

Ward's Words #267

I feel bad for my parents.  Growing up in a bleak, black & white world.  Everyone wearing the same darn clothes.  Men in a suit and greased back hair, while women wore those knee length dress, with white gloves and (once again) one of about three hair styles.  A colorless world of clones bumping about in the near dark.  I’m so glad they invented color when I was a kid.

Ward's Words #266

Being an artist is better than being a chef. Sure, visiting a friend and seeing the tacky art he or she decorates with makes me wince. But if I was a great chef… I’d have to get their food past my refined palate and try not to gag.

Ward's Words #264

I like vacationing in Arkansas.  I feel like a vulcan, science officer observing primitive life forms.

Ward's Words #262

It’s finally spring, so it’s time to break out my Magnum PI shorts and show some thigh.

Ward's Words #261

Things would have gone very differently if Newton was sitting under a coconut tree.

Ward's Words #258

There have been 9 dogs who played Lassie throughout the years.  They were all males.  I just wonder why they never told little Timmy.  He must’ve been confused his whole life.

Ward's Words #257

While channel surfing I watched a little bit of WWE’s RAW.  The fight scenes were so bad that I longed for something more realistic, like Capt. Kirk fighting the Gorn.

Ward's Words #254

I built a time machine out of the thousands of refrigerator magnates I've collected from my mail.  The only problem is it only it takes me past my expiration date.

Ward's Words #253

We, at Ward's Words, have invented the Bad Mood Ring. It comes two sizes too small and turns your finger green.

Ward's Words #251

If someone says, “Give them my best.”  Does that mean you can break into their home and find their choicest stuff and give it away?

Ward's Words #249

If you do paperwork at your job try typing it with 6pt text.  I like to tell my boss I'm saving the planet by using less paper.  It's only a happy coincidence that she gets massive headaches from eyestrain.

Ward's Words #247

I've decided I want to be a Sherpa. I want to spend my days guiding people through the mountains. The crisp untainted air, and the occasional Yeti....  Yes, an accountant is the life for me.

Ward's Words #245

Why do evil villains always shoot for Captain America’s upper body?  I’d go for his legs.  What is that shield?  Three feet at best.  Definitely, a leg shot would take him down.

Ward's Words #243

I found Star Wars very misleading. At no point was there a war between stars.

Ward's Words #241

We call it a dissection when we cut open a frog, but we use the term autopsy for us humans; or in my case murder…

Ward's Words #239

I live far enough from the nuclear power plant that I'd probably just become a mutant. With my luck a stink bug will be climbing up my arm and zap, our genetic material will be melded together. At least I'll be able to avoid crowds, or they'd avoid me.

Ward's Words #236

I don't want to say my doctor makes you wait for long spells, but his waiting room doubles as a bed and breakfast.

Ward's Words #235

Driving would be so nice if everyone else would stay off the road.

Ward's Words #232

I came across some spilled cat litter in the pet store today, and let’s just say I had to go.  They didn’t seem to buy it when I told them it wasn’t me.  I guess it could’ve been the toilet paper stuck on top...

Ward's Words #230

You know you’re in a sleazy Italian restaurant when Spaghettios are on the menu.

Ward's Words #228

I thought I was buying a historical home till I found out my new house was built with Lincoln Logs…  Talk about deceptive advertising.

Ward's Words #227

I should have known I wouldn’t get too far, when I read the owners manual for my new electric car and found out it takes 2 AA batteries.

Ward's Words #225

The only thing I don't like about crumb cake is the crumbs.

Ward's Words #221

Never channel a demon to get rid of a ghost.  You’ll wind up with a porthole to hell.  Luckily, mine is in my toilet so goodbye septic tank woes…

Ward's Words #219

I wonder if big people have to pay more for tattoos?  There’s more area to cover.

Ward's Words #218

There’s something about older women.  Maybe it’s that subtle hint of Ben Gay wafting in their path, I don’t know.…

Ward's Words #215

When I retire, I’m going to move to some third-world country and live like a king.  While swimming in a sea of nickels and pennies, I’ll lord my vast wealth over the peasant population, forcing them to worship me as a god as they assemble my army of Monkeybots.  The world will shake as their giant iron feet march forward, taking my revenge on mankind.

Ward's Words #213

I started a new art movement. I think it's real catching on. In my movement paint is applied with various digits. Most of the people joining it are very young. I call it finger painting.

Ward's Words #212

I think cable TV should take a tip from Youtube, and add a skip button to commercials.  We could get back to Amish Mafia in five seconds.

Ward's Words #210

If congress wants people to spend more cash I suggest they get rid of those stuffy old founding fathers, who currently occupy the central spot on our money and replace them with celebrities.  Think about it.  Who wouldn’t want to rush out and drop a few Honey Boo Boos on a new trailer home?  Or maybe after getting your hair cut slipping the stylist an extra Snookie or two.  I even think it would lead to a new generation of people who collect coins.  Who could resist hanging on to the coin set of Brad and Angelina’s wedding or the penny commemorating the time Fox News actually told the news.  Let’s even mint a Paris Hilton billion dollar bill.  Sure it’d completely useless, but you get my point.

Ward's Words #208

I always felt Milton Bradley’s board game called life was a bit too risky for a clumsy guy like me.

Ward's Words #207

I’m lucky I have a dog.  That way I have something to blame my shedding season on.

Ward's Words #205

Does anyone else find it funny that Jefferson Davis and Abraham Lincoln look alike?  They were even born in the same state.

Ward's Words #202

I know why ancient civilizations died out. They spent decades building dirt piles to the dead and the smart ones just got up and walked away.

Ward's Words #200

I think Bigfoot is jerking us around. I think he’s wearing a huge gorilla suit and timing his visits for when we aren't quite ready for a clear video taping.  That way it looks like some kind of hoax.

Ward's Words #199

If the IRS has all of our tax information, why do we have to file again?

Ward's Words #197

I thought Denny’s had really become classy.  I gave my jacket to the coat check girl only to find out I'd handed it to a woman in the first booth.  I want my coat back!!!

Ward's Words #195

Big business, if my call is so important to you why does it take 45 minutes for you to answer it?

Ward's Words #192

My high school guidance counselor said with my intelligence and skill set, I would have no problem gaining employment as either a circus oddity or the guy who gets shot out of a cannon.

Ward's Words #190

I am watching a movie about the zombie apocalypse set during the Civil War.  The weird thing is I’m so irked about the historical inaccuracies…

Ward's Words #188

I think Head and Shoulders is really marketing it’s shampoo toward guys with both head and back hair.

Ward's Words #187

Why aren’t space ships more spacious?

Ward's Words #185

Back in my day, all moms were secretly training us for the zombie apocalypse.  Think about it.  Eat everything on your plate showed us we can eat foods we hate if we have to.  Go outside and play gave us a brisk 12 hour aerobic exercise session every day.  I’m not sure about that whole brush your teeth thing because I plan on losing my toothbrush the first day of the apocalypse.  Just call me fuzzy teeth.

Ward's Words #182

Zombie apocalypse tip; I noticed while watching “The Walking Dead” that their hair is always a mess.  Pack a comb for crying out loud.  It weighs virtually nothing and fits almost anywhere.  I don’t mean those big ole Goody combs we had in the late 70’s, that stuck way out of you're back pocket.  I mean the basic “Fonzie” comb.  Remember disaster survivors, first impressions mean a lot when meeting mutants, or cannibalistic wasteland dwellers.  Put the right foot forward and comb that shaggy mop.  The next person you meet could either be your crazed overlord or your captor/chef.

Ward's Words #180

Ward’s Words has come up with another spectacular medical break-thru.  Prior to getting a colonoscopy there is no need for drinking a gallon of that chalky liquid.  Just eat a couple of fiery hot buffalo wings about 6 hours prior to the test.  If they don’t clean you out, nothing will.

Ward's Words #178

Milton Bradley is making a spin-off to its long-time, successful board game called "Life." The new game will be called "Death."  The object of the game is to try to take it all with you.

Ward's Words #177

I never eat popcorn or peanuts at a bar.  Think about it, you're in a place that causes people to have bad judgement as-well-as urinate frequently and you want to share finger food?

Ward's Words #175

If I had a time machine I’d build a robot and send it back in time to kill James Cameron before he could make those repetitive Terminator movies.

Ward's Words #172

They’re making another Terminator movie?  Let me guess the plot.  An indestructible robot from the future is going to try to kill someone.  Couldn’t see that one coming…

Ward's Words #171

While shoveling snow today my neighbor said, "I hate shoveling wet snow."  I waited a minute for him to think about it, then replied, "Snow is frozen water. How can one form of water be wetter than another."  

Ward's Words #168

While trolling eBay yesterday I saw a listing for the One Ring.  That's right, Isildur's Bane.  There were hundreds of them. You could see the elvish runes inside them and everything.  I'm going to have to lug a bushel basket of those things back to Mount Doom to dispose of them all.  You'd think eBay would have a policy against selling weapons of mass destruction.

Ward's Words #166

I mistakenly brushed my teeth with Rogaine.  Now, I have to shave my gums.  I feel like a whale straining my food through baleen every time I eat.  

Ward's Laws #165

I was asked recently if I was afraid of demons…  I just laughed and answered, “My wife just went through menopause, a demon would be a walk in the park.”

Ward's Words #162

Every time I visit Canada I notice how European it feels.  Maybe it's their language or it could be driving on the other side of the road, it always amazes me.  Speaking of driving, they are some of the worst motorists I've ever encountered.  Not only are they all over the road but they frequently honk their horns or shake a fist for no apparent reason.  I just chalk this hockey-like violent behavior up to having an overly long winter.

Ward's Words #161

My new line of scented candles aren't really selling well.  Burnt toast and wet dog are among the worst, but I really dropped the ball with week old sushi.

Ward's Words #158

What ever happened to Count Chocula?  Was his unnatural life ended by Van Helsing or did he succumb to the FDA?

Ward's Words #156

After watching the Super Bowl I noticed my Select Comfort bed was slightly deflated.  Coincidence?

Ward's Words #155

I accidentally switched yogurt brands to Activia.  Now, I have the digestive system of a teenage girl.

Ward's Words #152

If Bigfoot are just another branch of hominids, then what do we do with them.  Maybe we teach them, but I really pity the school principal who has to discipline them.

Ward's Words #151

If your wardrobe includes having a good hoodie, you need a fashion consultant.

Ward's Words #149

I wonder who was the first person to look at a cotton plant and think, “Hey, I should make a shirt out of that?”

Ward's Words #147

I understand Peter Jackson is going to remake the Harry Potter books.  Legolas will only appear briefly.

Ward's Words #144

Why is it when someone says no offense, it always winds up being offensive.

Ward's Words #142

Is watching The Walking Dead even more disturbing to vegans?

Ward's Words #140

If a horse is vocal while taking a dump, would you call it a Winnie the Pooh?

Ward's Words #139

I think I'm trending on MySpace.  I want to thank both of the people who viewed my page.

Ward's Words #137

Dressing rooms should have a specific butt mirror.  How am I supposed to see if my butt looks good in a pair of jeans if I can’t look back there?  Stores could call it the “butt-view mirror,” or maybe they could hire someone to give their educated opinion.  That person would be the butt-master.  They could spend their days leading people away from poor jeans decisions, such as, too small of pockets or the horrifying muffin top.

Ward's Words #135

I was playing with my car radio the other day and was pretty disappointed when I found the seek button. No missiles, not even a diminutive killer robot. It just changed the channel.

Ward's Words #132

I tried to train a hamster as a service animal but it kept making me walk up the down escalator.  It's almost like it was getting revenge for that spinning wheel in it’s cage.  Walking endlessly and never going anywhere.

Ward's Words #130

There’s something about older women.  Maybe it’s that subtle hint of Ben Gay wafting in their path, I don’t know.…

Ward's Words #129

Why do they use the term live entertainment?  Wouldn't the alternative be a little dead?

Ward's Words #126

I hate scooping my dogs turds off my lawn. I wish I could just flush my yard. If it's yellow let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.

Ward's Words #125

I hate to use hotel showers. I'm always afraid I'll wind up naked on the Internet.

Ward's Words #122

People get weirded out by the group in the Andes plane crash that ate the dead.  Heck, as soon as I get on a plane I start picking out who I'm going to eat.

Ward's Words #121

If they didn't want us to eat the little silica gel packets that businesses pack with so many items they shouldn't put it in those enticing packets that remind me of the prize in cereal boxes.

Ward's Words #119

We should actively protest any and all makers of tortilla chips.  Making their salt-encrusted, awkwardly shaped chips so large they cut your mouth is just sadistic.  Let alone these flat crisps are meant to be dipped into salsa.  Good call snack engineers, I can’t see anyway spilling problems there.

Ward's Words #116

I went to a party and it seemed like everyone there was texting.  It seems social media is the new social.

Ward's Words #115

I like shopping at Whole Foods much better than their sister store Half Foods.  I always feel like I’m getting ripped at that place.

Ward's Words #112

Kids now-a-days are complainers!  When I was a kid, you were the lucky one if you got a lunch lady hair on your pizza burger.  It was like hitting the lottery.  I thought those women were beautiful with their locks pinned back and those plastic sandwich bags on their hands.  Those were the days!

Ward's Words #110

I don’t know about you, but I get really anxious when I do the self-checkout in stores.  I always feel like I have to hurry after I scan the barcode.  If I’m too slow to the bag, I think I’ll be sent to store jail or something…