Ward's Words #1205

I will be giving my State of the Onion address tonight.  Right now, it’s gurgling around in my gut but I’m pretty sure it’ll be making a second appearance as reflux soon.

Ward's Words #1203

You’d think the food pyramid would be skinnier?

Ward's Words #1200

Does it strike anyone else odd that almost every member of Congress looks like gramma or grandpa.  Didn’t they ever hear about retirement?

Ward's Words #1199

You’d think a cuttlefish would be more cuddly.

Ward's Words #1196

I can’t wait until I retire.  Aerobics in the pool, that’s my speed, baby. 

Ward's Words #1194

I can’t understand why anyone is loyal to the Pirates.  The organization doesn’t feel the same in any way.  If they did, they wouldn’t be having a fire sale of their best players.  I wonder if their ticket prices will reflect their decline in salaries and drop?  I guess you’ll just be paying for a pirogue race and to have cheap t-shirts shot at you.  Go Bucs!

Ward's Words #1193

If the NFL isn’t rigged, why don’t the Steelers win every year?

Ward's Words #1190

I told NASA it was such a bad idea to visit Ceti Alpha VI.

Ward's Words #1189

Sheetz is a simple misspelling away from being a really crappy place.

Ward's Words #1186

As hairy as I am, if I groom myself it’s kind of like an odd form of topiary. Maybe I should just banzai my torso and get it over with. 

Ward's Words #1184

When phonebooks get phased out what war we going to fill our landfills with. 

Ward's Words #1183

Does Ash ever pick up his Pokeballs after he throws them?

Ward's Words #1181

I wish I was tall.  Then, people would look up to me.

Ward's Words #1179

Science says that not many things can change from a solid to a gas without first becoming a liquid. I guess they haven’t heard of cabbage?

Ward's Words #1177

Coffee isn’t math friendly because half and half is actually a whole.

Ward's Words #1174

If you are having lunch with someone from Holland how do you decide who picks up the check?

Ward's Words #1172

At my height, I’m trying to ingest any and all meats with growth hormones in them.