Ward's Words #386

Oddly, a planes black box is actually orange. The US government is so efficient. 

Ward's Words #383

The pizza shop down the street sells pizza by the slice.  It’s kind of fun watching them toss the small triangles in the air before they add the sauce and fixings.   

Ward's Words #381

The other day, I was in a men’s room which had a chair in the corner.  A chair.  Why the heck would you want to sit down in there, barring the obvious reason.  It’s not like you want to have a long conversation with someone while they take a dump.  Anything that can be said in there can be said anywhere else.  

Ward's Words #379

I’m giving up food.  It’s messy and has all that tiring chewing involved.  From now on I’m going to absorb light like the plants.  I’m calling this new form of eating being a UVegan.   I even thought of a slogan.  “There’s no better way of being green, than being a UVegan!”  I think it’s really going to catch on.

Ward's Words #378

I knew I should’ve paid attention to that Chupacobra crossing sign.  Like a good neighbor…

Ward's Words #376

You’ve really made it, as a musician, when your song is played in the grocery store.

Ward's Words #373

Am I the only one who doesn’t understand how a restaurant can say it’s sauce is homemade?  

Ward’s Words #372

Why are there two purples in a rainbow?  Both indigo and violet appear.  Ok, try to argue that.  Purple is a secondary color and indigo is a mix between blue and purple.  Since when do we allow a tertiary color in our spectrum.  I believe the natural sciences are becoming a wee bit liberal don’t ya think?

Ward's Words #370

Many years ago, when I was single, I was dumped by the girl I'd been dating. I asked my dad for advice and he said there are plenty of fish in the sea. We caught two bass and a walleye before he explained he meant girls.

Ward's Words #367

Not to say my wife is a bad driver but I have researched the best position to be in prior to the deployment of passenger side airbags.

Ward's Words #366

When I go on vacation I can never poop. It takes me a few days of being home to work that canon ball sized chunk of human waste out of my bowels. But when I go to a fair, I notice some people are so relaxed that they can poop in a small, blazing hot port-a-john. 

Ward's Words #363

Point Pleasant, West Virginia built a huge bug zapper manufacturing plant and coincidentally the Mothman hasn't been seen since.

Ward's Words #362

You'd think that we would've advanced past the use of shoelaces. Velcro made a good attempt and was warmly embraced by the AARP crowd, but never got a foothold elsewhere. We haven't even changed the knot in decades. We're getting ready to colonize Mars, but we use footwear from the 1600's. One step from the buckled shoes of the pilgrims, we boldly stride into the 21st century.

Ward's Word #359

Sure, we all know to stay away from a white panel van with no windows, but add some ice cream music and they're irresistible.

Ward's Words #357

I watched another chick flick. This one was different. They started out hating each other then liked each other and then there was a misunderstanding and then he stopped her at the airport and everything worked out. See, it's completely different from...

Ward's Words #356

In movies everyone has a theme song.  The sad thing is mine is the theme from the Three Stooges.

Ward's Words #353

At my last job interview, I did the Basic Instinct (Sharon Stone) leg cross.  You should’ve seen the look on the Human Resource woman’s face.  Totally stunned.  I think I nailed it!!!

Ward's Words #351

Free doughnut day is a complete scam. In order to get the free doughnut, you have to buy something. Since when does free involve a qualifying purchases?  I got all worked up for a rip-off. Even wasted a personal day for the event.

Ward's Words #350

I wanted to be a grown man, but after trying bunches of clusters of pine cones, I’ll stick to  some good old Captain Crunch.

Ward's Words #348

The weatherman said there was a slow moving stationary front in our area. I don't think he understands what stationary means.

Ward's Words #346

Most artists I know use a number 2 pencil.  That’s it.  If I really want to go dark I might add a 4B, but that’s only when I’m feeling a bit wild.  All those other pencils, included in sets, are a waste.