Ward's Words #1009

I’d love to be a superhero. To fly overhead and stop evil in its tracks. To end nefarious plots, and to right wrongs before the good come to harm. That is only if I can take a nap every afternoon and have every other Friday off. I sleep in on weekends and need a snack after each heroic deed.

Ward's Words #1007

It wasn't until I started using voice to text software that I realized how horrible my Pittsburgh accent really is. Yinz really isn't a word?

Ward's Words #1005

Ward's Words #1005 I tried to join the Polar Bear Club but they refused to move their meetings to the local YMCA. Hey, it's cold outside.

Ward's Words #1003

What's up with the wedge salad? A quarter of a hunk of ice burg lettuce and some dressing. No nutritional value for all the cost.

Ward's Words #1001

I told you all that the zombie apocalypse was real. The White House is saying that the dead are voting. Not exactly what I pictured it would be like but I'll take it.

Sorry folks

I won't be releasing anymore Ward's Words until tomorrow. So stay tuned to this Bat-Channel for the highly anticipated #1000 Ward's Words codenamed "Fred Sanford" I can hardly wait, myself!!!

Ward's Words #997

I just lost my job as a bus boy. Somehow the management opposed my views of recycling. Those last diners left a half rack of ribs just sitting there. It would've wound up in some landfill. I had to eat it.

Ward's Words #995

The fine people here, at Ward’s Words (which is much funnier that the former Ward’s Laws) have uncovered the true reason why there is very little evidence for Bigfoot sightings.  As we all know, we have plaster casts of actual footprints, hair samples, but little else.  That’s because they are actually vampires and it is well-documented science that vampires don’t show up in photographs.  For the few skeptics out there; why do all Bigfoot sightings happen at night?  I need Sean Spicer to rebuke the skeptics?

Ward's Words #993

I don’t understand Star Wars. Really, someone shoots a blaster and the Jedi can somehow move fast enough to block the shot which happens to be traveling at the speed of light.

Ward's Words #991

When in the doctor's waiting room, I like to talk to myself imitating Gollum. I like to say things like, "Is it juicy precious? Is it tender?" Really freaks out the others nearby.

Ward's Words #989

Why do they have you announce your name at Alcoholics Anonymous?

Ward's Words #987

I don't like sports bars. All those screens distract me. I'm always watching the wrong game when something good happens.

Ward's Words #985

I don’t chew food with my mouth open because I’m rude. I do it to share my experience of eating with all people close enough to enjoy the show.

Ward's Words #984

I was playing the Sarah Palin version of Scrabble. The tiles had complete words on them.

Ward's Words #981

When I was younger, women treated dating me like a sport. It must've been fishing because they seemed to practice catch and release a lot. 

Ward's Words #980

Nuclear War is like peeing in a pool. Sure, you detonate a missile in another country, but then, mere hours later, the rotation of the earth puts you in the middle of the fallout.

Ward's Words #978

Sadly, I was researching my heritage and my family crest involves images of both hairballs and toenail clippings. 

Ward's Words #975

In our overly hydrated world, where people carry large water containers everywhere they go, we must be putting a lot of undue pressure on our public facilities. 

Ward's Words #973

My wife said she likes the atmosphere in this new restaurant. I gave her a strange look and said, “I don’t get it.  The atmosphere is 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, 0.9% argon, and 0.03% carbon dioxide with very small percentages of other elements just like the rest of the earth.”

Ward's Words #972

I remember when going tubing used to mean sliding down a hill on an uncontrolled truck inner tube. Now it's just more sitting on the couch watching videos of people sliding down hills on YouTube. Go outside and play!!!