Ward's Words #1110

The hardest thing about Trick or treating isn’t the restricting costume or the two hours of hard work for sweets.  It happens 2 or 3 days later when you're running low on candy and are Jonesing for sugar.  That Clark bar or the odd pack of Sweet Tarts you cast away earlier becomes the thing that tapers you off of your candy addiction.

Ward's Words #1108

What if someone in The Ring movie started watching the death movie but turned it off halfway through? Would they just get dead tired?

Ward's Words #1107

I think I inadvertently saw The Death Movie while watching The Ring. There should’ve been some sort of warning.

Ward's Words #1105

Ward’s Words laboratories has officially discontinued its app department. It seems landline phone apps never took off.  It must be one of those Betamax things.

Ward's Words #1103

Here, at Ward’s Words Laboratories, we have created a true game-changer. An air freshener that clips onto shoelaces. It’s targeted for teenager’s sneakers but we feel parents will be the biggest benefactors.

Ward's Words #1101

The next time you lie on a lovely white sand beach, be aware that you're actually wallowing in fish poop. Parrotfish feces, to be exact. 

Ward's Words #1098

Trump and I have one thing in common.  We both have golden toilets.  Mine is only golden around the waterline, but I believe it still counts.

Ward's Words #1097

I want to invent the square toilet paper roll so it can’t roll away from you when you accidentally drop it.

Ward's Words #1094

While watching Star Trek, why don’t you ever see a bald Vulcan?

Ward's Words #1093

Trying to capitalize on the beach glass trend, I filled my washing machine with broken bottles and sand. I was trying to be an entrepreneur and now I have a pile of dirty clothes and an 800 lb. broken washing machine.

Ward's Words #1090

I was in the bookstore and saw a rack of moleskine notebooks. Does anyone care how many moles had to die for the luxury of having a notebook?

Ward's Words #1088

The Equifax breech that exposed nearly half of American’s personal information isn’t a joke.  The fact that they are offering only 1 year of free credit monitoring is the joke.  Expose me for life, then profit off of your mistake is no way to compensate someone who never authorized you to handle their information in the first place.

Ward's Words #1086

For those of you using Kaspersky software to keep your computer safe, how does it feel to be using a Russian company to secure your privacy?

Ward's Words #1082

I really don’t want to be like Mike. Just say’en.

Ward's Words #1080

I hate when I ask Siri a question and she directs me to a web page. I asked you a question because I was too lazy to Google it in the first place.

Ward's Words #1079

I started to eat a lot more goldfish crackers because my doctor told me that I needed more Omega 3 fatty acids in my diet so he suggested I eat more seafood.

Ward's Words #1077

I wonder if Michael J. Fox ever looked at Meredith Baxter-Birney and thought, ”Man, my TV mom’s hot!”

Ward's Words #1074

Moscow Mules make a drink look really cool, that is, if you don’t mind copper poisoning. Maybe I should switch back to pewter.