Ward's Words #909

Do you know why people put those little sunscreens in the back windows of their cars? Because babies are actually vampires. Why else would they shun sunlight?

Ward's Words #907

My idea of using clown cars as a way to increase participation in carpooling has hit a snag. I could only fit two people in the tiny vehicle without a chipper.

Ward's Words #905

I was in a holistic medicine shop. There was a sign that advertised Reiki for $20. For a yard full of leaves like mine that's quite a bargain. 

Ward's Words #903

Why would anyone buy an old house where all the furniture is covered with sheets?  If anything screams haunted house it's that. 

Ward's Words #901

I was accused of killing a man in the mall bathroom. Sure, from two stalls away I let fly with a silent but deadly fart, yet I don’t believe in the single pooper theory. I think there was another pooper on the other side of the gassy bowl.

Ward's Words #899

While out for a walk on a nice, secluded rails to trails did you ever wonder how many serial killers you pass by and give a friendly nod to. 

Ward's Words #897

While looking for a restroom at the mall, I noticed that there was a family bathroom. Is that so they can encourage you while you go to the potty?  Both breath grandma, it’s an SBD!

Ward's Woods #895

The neighborhood birds all devolved. Now, I'm stuck with a pack of velociraptors is hanging around my bird feeder. I knew I shouldn't have cheaped out on that seed.

Word's Words #893

I've given up walking. That's right. I'm banking my steps for when I'm older. I figure, that if a person is supposed to walk 10,000 steps a day and I only do 100, I've saved 9900 steps. By the end of the week, I could be up by nearly 70000 steps. At that rate, I'll be walking all over the place when I'm 110 years old.

Ward's Words #891

How many NFL teams are in New York City?  None, I know what you’re thinking but they both play in New Jersey.

Ward's Words #989

Every time I forget my camera I have an encounter with a yeti. Never freak 'en fails.

Ward's Words #988

My dog's so much trouble that I'm considering replacing him with a balloon animal. I just wish I hadn't started collecting pins and needles. 

Ward's Words #985

I don't know who was more surprised. My neighbor, who turned on the lights shining on his garden or the three rabbits and I who were eating in said garden’s produce. We quickly scattered into the nearby woods. 

Ward's Words #893

I quit the Black Plague Flagellants reenactment group when I found out they actually hit themselves.  I just thought they would just be gassy.  Maybe I shouldn’t have assumed they meant flatulence.  My first tip was they were missing the telltale brown skid marks on the bottoms of their white robes.