Ward's Words #21

There's a job title called a gender specialist?  Really?

Ward's Words #19

Why don't you ever see Aquaman calling for help from a school of guppies?

Ward's Words #17

Why does everyone have the compulsion to tell you the end of the movie they just watched?

Ward's Words #15

I'm thinking about calling in some paranormal investigators cause there was this gaseous form in my bathroom the other day.

Ward's Words #13

Why do men buy active wear clothes just to lounge around in?  Are they trying to fool someone, because I know you weren't about to go to the gym.

Ward's Words #9

I found a unique way to recycle used tires.  Cut them up use them for fuel for your grill.  You can cook out for three weeks on one chunk but your meat will have a distinct petroleum taste.  At least you wont be polluting.  Darn, black smoke got in my eye again!  BLAST IT!!!

Ward's Words #7

I bought a Fitbit so I could record my fitness activities, but mostly so I could monitor how well I sleep. I found out I pee 37 times each night, but I do get 73 great, interrupted minutes of sleep each night.

Ward's Words #6

I think Pete Townshend needed a math class. One and one make two you burned out musician.

Ward's Words #3

A experimental drug called ZMapp is being used with Ebola patients. Why does this sounds exactly like every Zombie apocalypse movie I've ever seen.

Ward's Words #2

If Salvador Dali was a medieval knight he would be called Sir Real.

Ward's Laws #2000

As men age our butts disappear.  No one knows exactly why, but our gluts just seem to erode away.  Strangely, I noticed the other day that my farts are now in a totally different octave.  The pure, crisp notes I use to expel in my youth have become mature bass sound befitting my age.  I find myself wondering if I can manipulate my cheeks in just the right way...  Taking both halves in hand I furiously ply varying pressures to my buttocks attempting to play the "William Tell Overture."   The pace quickens as the tempo builds.  Sweat and a high-fat diet ultimately lead to my demise.  I lost my grip on both my cheek and my concentration and the resulting explosion can only be called a shartnado.

Ward's Laws #1999

I'm going to be the invisible man for Halloween. My costume consists of telling people to close their eyes and asking them if they can see me.

Ward's Laws #1997

Who are we kidding.  There are no man-made lakes.  I mean, if we dig out an area we have a hole, the water makes the lake.

Ward's Laws #1995

Who in their right mind would buy their kid a sandbox?  Great idea, let little Timmy play in a giant outdoor litter box.

Ward's Laws #1992

You know those kids with such a poor immune system that they have to live inside a bubble.  How do they get fresh clothes in there?

Ward's Laws #1990

Women should be careful with personalized license plates. TNKRBLL would be just fine if your husband didn't borrow your purple car every once in a while.

Ward's Laws #1988

My new invention is the shoet (pronounced [shoot]).  The wearable device, a cross between a shoe and a gun, was the perfect blend of self-defense and stylish good looks.  I just wish someone had explained the concept of recoil.  Now, I am in a walking cast for the next four weeks, but I really feel bad for the guy who was shining my shoets.