Ward's Words #826

My septic tank had a huge overflow. On the plus side, my home was subsequently reclassified as lakefront.

Ward's Words #824

Velcro is a wonderful thing until you want to be stealthy. 

Ward's Words #821

I’m pretty sure George Washington was a Daywalker…  That’s right, he kept his ginger locks hidden under that powdered white wig.  

Ward's Words #819

After shearing my back hair (pelt) this year, April suggested that instead of donating the neatly trimmed strands to locks of love, we spin them into a fine wool and make mittens for our friends.

Ward's Words #818

Here I stand, a puddle of pee surrounding the urinal like a moat encircling a castle.  With each potty patron, the girth of the golden follow broadens until only the oldest and wisest can accomplish the task, or at least the one with an unrestricted prostrate.  Alas, I pee in the trash can and exit in defeat.

Ward's Words #816

It’s totally unfair for women to only have a toilet in their bathroom, so we at Ward's Woods have invented the girlinal. A urinal for the girl in all of us, so women, stand proud and pee free this 4th of July.

Ward's Words #814

Why do I lay awake, completely uncomfortable, but yet unwilling to disturb my dog who sleeps all day. He's so cute. 

Ward's Words #811

When your buying some new relaxed fit jeans for your favorite bands next concert, I believe you really need to rethink the idea of presentation. 

Ward's Words #810

Those of you with the Apple Watch, I've become obsessed with my activity rings. Most people try to close them, but I like to leave them as open as possible. I call it slug mode. 

Ward's Words #808

Is it my fault if one of our picnic goers ate from my antique mayo collection?  I think it was from my military collection; vintage Desert Storm. 

Ward's Words #805

Who in their right mind would want on of those refrigerators with the cameras inside. Sure, you can view it’s contents, but think of the pressure to keep it clean and organized.  If I were a hacker, I'd fridge shame anyone with one of those high-tech appliances.  

Ward's Words #804

They're recalling another toy for having lead in it. When I was a kid everything had lead in it. We played with lead paint covered toys while drinking out of lead glass cups. Our lead glass windows looked out over the lead factory where they slaughtered the lead animals we ate for dinner. We exercised with lead weights while sharpening our lead pencils, all the while, listening to the people who lead us as we walked 10 miles up hill through 6' of snow one way to school.  

Ward's Words #801

Willard F. Libby would’ve been a big hit on The Dating Game.  I can hear the sound of Googling fingers even now.