Ward's Words #1170

Back in Jr. High, why did the lunch ladies all look so good on pizza Friday with chocolate milk and potato chips?

Ward's Words #1168

While watching the first Avengers movie, I noticed that everyone in Germany spoke English. 

Ward's Words #1166

Wii sports should be added to the Olympics.

Ward's Words #1164

My wife wants a button added to eBay that allows you to communicate with other people who are bidding on the same item. That way she can tell them such things as, “I’ll cut you if you bid again,” or, “I’m outside your house right now, so if you outbid me it could go badly for you… Real bad!!!”

Ward's Words #1163

I mistakenly went to parapsychologist and now, not only am I still anxiety-ridden, but I see dead people. 

Ward's Words #1161

If the cashew fits, wear it. 

Ward's Words #1158

On a recent exam, I was asked a few trick questions. That’s the last time I go to Hogwarts. 

Ward's Words #1155

If diamonds are so rare how come they keep coming up with engagement rings with up to fifty of them?  Me thinks there’s a scam afoot. 

Ward's Words #1153

I mistakenly went to parapsychologist and now, not only am I anxiety-ridden, but I see dead people. 

Ward's Words #1150

I wonder what those nimble Sleestak’s, from The Land of the Lost, hunted? Sloths?

Ward's Words #1148

The Witch-king of Angmar, also known as the Lord of the Nazgûl and the Black Captain, served as Sauron's second in command for over 4000 years. A fearsome warrior of incredible power simply lets a virtually untrained woman slide a sword into him without attempting to block it?

Ward's Words #1147

My new MySpace account will make my domination of social media complete!!!  Bwahahaha

Ward's Words #1145

I wonder where the fine people at Webster’s look when they need to check the spelling of a word?

Ward's Words #1143

I never told anyone but I have a gift. I can psychically tell when someone has to go to the bathroom. I call it ESPeeing. It’s really more of a burden than a gift.

Ward's Words #1141

My idea for a granite toilet seat sure looked good but it left the public kind of cold.

Ward's Words #1138

Making muffins on the grill really isn’t panning out.  Although, they do get a nice beefy taste.

Ward's Words #1137

While going through the grocery line I bought some gum.  I didn’t notice it was Nicorette.  Now, I’m up to three packs a day.

Ward's Words #1135

Why do people decorate their bathrooms like it’s the beach?  They must not be vacationing the same places I am.

Ward's Words #1132

A week after my colonoscopy and I find a wristwatch in the toilet. I’m not sure whether the doctor lost it or gave me a prize but they’re not getting it back. 

Ward's Words #1131

Vienna sausages are made in Chicago. 

Ward's Words #1128

I wonder if Merriam Webster misspelled a few words in the first dictionary and never corrected his embarrassing mistake.

Ward's Words #1126

After my clear diet and another dose of Suprep, my colon will be clean enough to eat off of.  

Ward's Words #1125

My wife is going to give me a home colonoscopy exam.  For a fun twist, she's going to use a silly straw.

Ward's Words #1122

Instead of going through the hassle of car inspections I told my car salesman that I'm just going to buy a new one every year.  He was so nice that he invited me to Christmas at his house.  What a guy. 

Ward's Words #1121

Well, my Peanut butter and Naval Jelly sandwich didn’t pan out.

Ward's Words #1118

There may be no I in team. But there certainly is a me which is clearly evident by the displays in the end zone this season in the NFL.

Ward's Words #1116

At the local ice-cream parlor, I had the choice of a sundae or a parfait.  Isn’t that like having a choice between an apple and an apple?  They were the same thing.  

Ward's Words #1114

Now, days after Halloween, comes the time I like to call the sorting. It’s when I sort what is a costume and what’s everyday wear. Oh, a cloak.

Ward's Words #1112

The worst thing you can do while handing out treats during Trick or Treating is to try to guess who the costumed child is.  Listen, you may have all night but that poor goblin only has two hours to make his quota!

Ward's Words #1110

The hardest thing about Trick or treating isn’t the restricting costume or the two hours of hard work for sweets.  It happens 2 or 3 days later when you're running low on candy and are Jonesing for sugar.  That Clark bar or the odd pack of Sweet Tarts you cast away earlier becomes the thing that tapers you off of your candy addiction.

Ward's Words #1108

What if someone in The Ring movie started watching the death movie but turned it off halfway through? Would they just get dead tired?

Ward's Words #1107

I think I inadvertently saw The Death Movie while watching The Ring. There should’ve been some sort of warning.

Ward's Words #1105

Ward’s Words laboratories has officially discontinued its app department. It seems landline phone apps never took off.  It must be one of those Betamax things.

Ward's Words #1103

Here, at Ward’s Words Laboratories, we have created a true game-changer. An air freshener that clips onto shoelaces. It’s targeted for teenager’s sneakers but we feel parents will be the biggest benefactors.

Ward's Words #1101

The next time you lie on a lovely white sand beach, be aware that you're actually wallowing in fish poop. Parrotfish feces, to be exact. 

Ward's Words #1098

Trump and I have one thing in common.  We both have golden toilets.  Mine is only golden around the waterline, but I believe it still counts.

Ward's Words #1097

I want to invent the square toilet paper roll so it can’t roll away from you when you accidentally drop it.

Ward's Words #1094

While watching Star Trek, why don’t you ever see a bald Vulcan?

Ward's Words #1093

Trying to capitalize on the beach glass trend, I filled my washing machine with broken bottles and sand. I was trying to be an entrepreneur and now I have a pile of dirty clothes and an 800 lb. broken washing machine.

Ward's Words #1090

I was in the bookstore and saw a rack of moleskine notebooks. Does anyone care how many moles had to die for the luxury of having a notebook?

Ward's Words #1088

The Equifax breech that exposed nearly half of American’s personal information isn’t a joke.  The fact that they are offering only 1 year of free credit monitoring is the joke.  Expose me for life, then profit off of your mistake is no way to compensate someone who never authorized you to handle their information in the first place.

Ward's Words #1086

For those of you using Kaspersky software to keep your computer safe, how does it feel to be using a Russian company to secure your privacy?

Ward's Words #1082

I really don’t want to be like Mike. Just say’en.

Ward's Words #1080

I hate when I ask Siri a question and she directs me to a web page. I asked you a question because I was too lazy to Google it in the first place.

Ward's Words #1079

I started to eat a lot more goldfish crackers because my doctor told me that I needed more Omega 3 fatty acids in my diet so he suggested I eat more seafood.

Ward's Words #1077

I wonder if Michael J. Fox ever looked at Meredith Baxter-Birney and thought, ”Man, my TV mom’s hot!”

Ward's Words #1074

Moscow Mules make a drink look really cool, that is, if you don’t mind copper poisoning. Maybe I should switch back to pewter.

Ward's Words #1072

Ahhhh…  The start of a new school year.  I’m buying clothes and supplies featuring Spider-man.  I’m pretty sure it’ll be better than my Hello Kitty debacle of last year.

Ward's Words #1071

When I go to the bathroom it’s usually a major mathematical problem.  The amount of ply per square divided by ply thickness, with a quilted vs non-quilted variable, equals the distance of hand to poo ratio.

Ward's Words #1068

Don't get Teddy Ruckspin started. Unless you want to sit through a long-winded story. What a bag of hot air. 

Ward's Words #1067

I recently bought two ottomans with storage for my new collection.  I'm building my new Ottoman Empire!

Ward’s Words #1065

I hate when a snack chip promises to be hot (spicy) only to actually be just overly salty.

Ward's Words #1062

Saudi Arabia supposedly sits just above a sea of oil. When they pump it out doesn't that leave a huge hole somewhere down in the earth below their country?  Can you say they are either in kahoots with mole people or they are about to have a fall much greater than any nursery rhyme character ever had. 

Ward's Words #1060

While visiting the Allegheny Health Network pavilion I noticed the wing associated with respiratory problems is located on the top floor. Good planning AHN.

Ward's Words #1058

Todays rant;  She I say you’re dog’s a good boy, just accept it.  If you say she’s a girl, in some sarcastic voice,  I’m gonna go off.  How the Hockey Sticks am I supposed to know if it’s a boy or girl?  Should I lift a leg before I say anything.  Dress your dog in pink or blue if you’re going to be all specific on me.  It’s just obnoxious.

Ward's Words #1057

If I become president of the United States I don’t want them to play Hail to the Chief when I enter the room. I’m thinking Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap would be more fitting. Especially when I go into the bathroom.

Ward's Words #1055

If I learned anything from car collectors, I’m not old, I’m classic. Sadly, it looks like I’m not that many years from being antique but I’ll take what I can get.

Ward's Words #1052

I bought a magic kit. The fact that it contained no actual magic obviously didn’t seem important to the manufacturer.

Ward's Words #1050

In Yu-Gi-Oh, why does the dark magician only have one spell?  Shouldn’t a magician of such status at least have some sort of effect?

Ward's Words #1049

I'm changing my doctor. Not because I don't like him. It's mainly because he refuses to treat my condition with bizarre experiments which may or may not turn me into a super hero/monster.  

Ward's Words #1047

You know your dream, weatherman, job sucks when the local mayor orders people to leave the hurricane’s path, but the Weather Channel orders you to stay.

Ward's Words #1045

I don’t see how cutting into healthy, pink flesh and removing the testicles through that incision is fixing anything.

Ward's Words #1243

After touring Fallingwater, I realize that Frank Lloyd Wright was an artist. His designs were beautiful but not sound as far as construction. This makes me so happy that Picasso never ventured into architecture.

Ward's Words #1240

I’m not a medical doctor, but I’ve done enough home surgery that in certain holistic situations I’m probably over-qualified.

Ward’s Words #1239

Every time I go to a marshy area and see cattails I subliminally get hungry for corndogs.

Ward's Words #1236

Why don’t women ever read the manual for their cars? Are they waiting for the movie to come out?

Ward's Words #1235

When I go to the grocery store, to get fruit, and pull off one of those little plastic bags I feel like Alexander the Great.  Only I can’t solve this Gordian Knot but cutting it.

Ward's Words #1232

Dorian Gray could never have been married. I can see it now. “I found some ugly painting in that cupboard you keep locked. What, is that your old girlfriend? I threw it out last weekend.”

Ward's Words #1230

Why is it that my puppy poops nice hard stools when he’s outside or on hard wood (accident) but if he’s on the carpet, it’s soft and runny.  I only have one carpet left, Teddy!  Grrrr

Ward's Words #1228

Yoko Ono is reported to have made an insecticide. It doesn’t kill anything but it sure does separate Beatles.

Ward's Words #1226

I’ve seen too many Final Destination movies not to look at some guy driving down the highway with a rickety, overloaded bike rack and think this is the way I go out.

Ward's Words #1225

I don’t understand packages that say, “May contain nuts.”  Shouldn’t you know if your product contains nuts?  You know all these chemicals and even how many calories it’s made up of but oops… I wonder if we put any nuts in there.  You never read, “may contain riboflavin.”  It either does or doesn’t.  I’ve been to some fast-food places that may contain meat, but nuts should be something you specifically use as an ingredient.  I think they should be even more specific.  May contain up to 3 cockroach legs… or maybe not.    

Ward's Words #1222

I’ve noticed that pedestrians are starting to get a bit cocky. The law that lets them have the right away at crosswalks is only supposed to work at said crosswalks. So, I feel any of those lawbreakers who are jaywalking should be fair game. That’s why I only buy red cars. Anyone want to go hunting… er… for a drive with me?

Ward's Words #1220

If you’re still hand-writing letters, who do you think you are? George Washington? Jeez, and I thought emails were out of date.

Ward's Words #1218

I wonder how many times Velma lost her glasses? I think it was a reoccurring Scooby Doo thing.

Ward's Words #1217

I guess having, “dig up and hide the body hidden in the flower bed” on your bucket list is a bit unique.

Ward's Words #1214

Isn't it peculiar that Thurston Howell the 3rd and his wife Lovey took an island tour on a small rundown tour boat that happened to have movie star Ginger on it?

Ward's Words #1212

I think the tipping system is flawed.  It shouldn’t be based on your bill.  Somehow, giving your server $25 for taking meal orders and then bringing food and drinks seems like a bit much.  

Ward's Words #1210

In the movie, War of the Worlds, I thought it was pretty cool that a human virus completely wiped out the alien attackers. But isn’t it odd that an alien virus didn’t wipe us out? Are we really that dirty?

Ward's Words #1208

I hate that my credit card has the chip in it. That warning alarm when it’s time to remove it scares the crap out of me every time.

Ward's Words #1206

I was in the restaurant's outdoor seating. I thought taking my shirt off would be acceptable. Obviously, the management felt differently.

Ward's Words #1205

Every time our coffee maker breaks, I save the pot as a precaution. I now have 15 extra coffee pots.

Ward's Words #1202

Why do restaurants insist on asking if you've ever been to their chain. Then they insist on explaining their restaurant like you should be impressed. It's food. I think I'll figure it out.

Ward's Words #1201

Something small died under my deck. Oddly, it kind of smells like the ocean.

Ward's Words #1198

I like how on "American Pickers," people act like they don't know Frank and Mike. Come on guys, you collect junk. You're trying to tell me you don't watch a tv show about guys who buy junk.

Ward's Words #1196

Living with a woman whose going through menopause is like living on the planet Hoth. It can be -30 in our bedroom and yet that ceiling fan better be on.

Ward's Words #1195

Here, at Ward’s Words, we’ve developed a computerized driver’s assist device that mounts in the rear of your vehicle. We call it the “Backseat Driver.” With a name like that, how can it not be a hit?

Ward's Words #1192

I don't prefer temporary tattoos because I'm afraid of the needle. I get them because I like to change the gallery every so often.

Ward's Words #1190

I just watched the “Suicide Squad.”  The one thing I learned through that movie is never to travel by helicopter.  Four out of four were shot down.  You’d think that they would’ve figured hit out after the third fell from the sky.  At least, crashing a whirlybird must be somewhat safe since no one died in any of the four wrecks.

Ward’s Words #1188

While writing the second book in my new series, I believe I’ve (in three paragraphs) used every imaginable term for poop.  I'm not sure if it’s creative or embarrassing. The scene is pretty funny though.

Ward's Words #1187

X-Men comic fans. At what point is Cable finished working on his arm. It seems like every new scene starts with him working on the cybernetic appendage. Is he a bad mechanic or just compulsive. 

Ward's Words #1184

I just got my home insurance upgraded to cover zombie apocalypse damage. When the undead rise, I’ll be able to breath easy knowing I have full replacement of my house and belongings.

Ward's Words #1183

I never saw the redundancy of a jigsaw puzzle depicting jigsaws until the final piece was in place.

Ward's Words #1181

I could never make it as a fish. You're floating with some friends sharing some deep thoughts when one of the guys pinches off a deuce, my eyes getting wider as it bobs closer to me.

Ward's Words #1178

What happened to 80's music. First, it was replaced by whiners in ugly sweaters. Then, pop crap music. Now, we have auto-tuned no talent hacks. I need a good Hair Band right now.

Ward's Words #1177

While taking Teddy to the groomers, I had an idea. I could get April’s hair trimmed, nails done, teeth brushed, and a bath for under $50. They’ll even express her anal glands to boot. Goodbye beauty parlor.

Ward's Words #1175

The mechanic said that it would cost $1200 to fix my car’s air conditioner.  I left with a plan.  My new $200 window unit does come with limitations.  I can only drive 250’ without it unplugging.  

Ward's Words #1173

Today, I finally released my Pet Rock ™ back into its natural habitat. After 37 years of keeping him as my pet, I decided he should live, free, with his own kind. At first, he was shy, and I didn’t think his new driveway (that’s what a “pack” or group of Pet Rocks ™ is called) would accept him. All was going well. It was as if they didn’t even notice him until I saw that his googly eyes were gone. Having shed his human adornments he was now fully one with the driveway. The circle of life…

Ward's Words #1171

I'd imagine that those hotdog eating competitions are a full-contact sport.

Ward's Words #1168

Men talk about stage fright when peeing.  Well, I don’t know where they’re tinkling, but I try to refrain from peeing while on stage, let alone, in front of a crowd.  

Ward's Words #1166

I saw a pregnancy test in the Dollar Store. It had two settings. Positive and not so sure.

Ward's Words #1164

Wow, a yard sale with several Vera Bradley purses… I’m sure they can’t be knock-offs.

Ward's Woods #1163

You know, we had ball bearings when I was a kid (50 some odd years ago.) We just didn’t obsess on them and call then Fidget Spinners.

Ward's Words #1160

Whatever happened to Old Zealand?

Ward's Words #1158

Kids, you have HD video games with 3D Oculus headsets that make the player feel like they are actually in the game and yet today's youth are fascinated by a Fidget Spinner. It’s a 55 cent ball bearing for crying out loud! We had them 50 years ago and it still didn’t impress us.

Ward's Words #1157

Why do puppies feel it's necessary to always play with their toys on the edge of the couch?

Ward's Words #1155

I should have never moved into that bouncy house. Now I'm afraid of every stiff breeze.

Ward's Words #1152

My choice as an art medium is oil paint. So I guess you really could say that I think it's exciting watching paint dry.

Ward's Words #1151

We wanted to build an accent wall but couldn't decide between Swedish or French so now we’re just building a wall.

Ward's Words #1148

I'm such a comic fanboy that when attending a baseball game I get excited when I see the batboy thinking he might be a young Bruce Wayne.

Ward's Words #1147

My boss saw how torn up I am right now and asked me if I was in a Fight Club or something. I smiled and explained that I have a new puppy.

Ward's Words #1145

My high school gym teacher made me join the track team. I was kind of like the batboy. My official position was javelin catcher.

Ward's Words #1143

My new Amish cellular carrier isn’t so bad. But if one end of the string comes out of your can, tech support can be a struggle.

Ward's Words #1140

Doesn't the Mona Lisa look like a Renaissance school picture? Her hands in her lap with her head turned just so. I remember that string they used to get our chin in just the right place.

Ward's Words #1138

There was Batman, then Batgirl, Bat-hound, the Batmobile, the Batarang. So where'd Robin come in? What a lame bird to be named after. He couldn't be Eagle-Lad. Or even The Predator. No, he's a robin. Look, it must be spring, cause here's Robin. How emasculating!

Ward's Words #1137

The pizza industry announced that they will be cutting corners by making round boxes.

Ward’s Words #1134

Who came up with the concept of hollow core interior doors? Why not use curtains for all the good it will do during the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

Ward's Words #1133

Why is it that the ears of a chocolate rabbit are the first to be devoured but you never eat the ears from a real rabbit.  At least, not first.

Ward's Words #1131

I hate to go to the movies. Sitting in a packed room breathing the same air that everyone else is breathing just seems unsanitary.

Ward's Words #1128

When I was younger, I liked to date Dutch girls. I had this illusion that I'd only have to pay for myself.

Ward's Words #1126

If your understanding of how our legislative process works came from SchoolHouse Rock… You didn’t pay enough attention in school.

Ward's Words #1124

I don't like Chipotle. What kind of respectable Mexican place doesn't have jalapeño peppers?

Ward's Words #1123

Why do baseball coaches wear uniforms? It's not like in a pinch they're going to play. You don't see Mike Tomlin, the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers, in shoulder pads.

Ward's Words #1121

In an effort to compete with the world’s most expensive coffee, we, at Ward’s Words, are trying to copy the process that the Kopi luwak use. Over the last 24 hours, I’ve been eating coffee cherries and dedicating the processed beans. We’re fairly certain the unique nutty taste will appeal to the most refined hipster.

Ward's Words #1118

Why is Superman muscular? If you can naturally lift an entire island, what could you possibly use for strength training?

Ward's Words #1116

I really hate filling out my birth date online. They use that thing that makes you scroll through the years. All 54 of them. It takes about an hour to get to 1963.

Ward's Words #1114

Let me get this straight, Superman is an alien to our world, yet he can drink the water in Kansas without suffering Montezuma’s Revenge. I, on the other hand, can’t take one sip from across the Rio Grand. So, now he’s immune from parasites, bacteria, etc…?

Ward's Words #1113

Having to stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk is really annoying.  Humans are 180 odd pounds of mushy flesh while I’m driving a ton of fine Japanese steel!  But just keep in mind, if you pedestrians go rogue and try strolling outside the confines of the crosswalk, you’re fair game.  I’m going to go all Death Race 2000 on you.  How many points is a 20 something hipster, anyways?

Ward's Words #1110

The Teflon coating on our pots and pans is flaking off, but I look at it as a positive thing. It has turned my bowels into a slip n slide. I literally have to eat while sitting on the toilet.

Ward's Words #1108

So, we take Orie to the vet with some stool samples in Tupperware containers. Our vet has the nerve to look at us like we’re crazy because when we were leaving, April asked if she could have the containers back. What does he think we’re going to put my lunch in tomorrow or pack that piece of pie for gramma in? Plastic doesn’t grow on trees.

Ward's Words #1106

I can magically make blue toilet water green.

Ward's Words #1104

Clownfish aren't funny but at least they don't carry that creep vibe of normal clowns.

Ward's Words #1101

If you saw the thread about left-over Easter chocolate, that’s a good example of Fake News. What kind of dysfunctional household would have left-over chocolate? I’m glad I was raised in a stable home.

Ward's Words #1100

The third holiday treat we are releasing is actually a spin-off of the last one. It’s the Anatomically Correct Easter Bunny; CSI edition. For those youngsters who love crime shows, each of these bunnies holds clues as to how it died. You’re child will be able to dissect the delicate outer shell and find one of 30 different causes. You can choose from “Blunt Force Benny,” to “Stabby Stan.” Or throw them off the trail with “Mesothelioma Moe.”

Ward's Words #1099

The second holiday treat Ward’s Words is releasing is the Anatomically Correct Easter Bunny. Parents will be thrilled as we turn a treat into a learning tool. Each juicy part will be labeled and flavored like the real thing. Won’t you be happy when your child says, “Look mom, I got a pancreas!”

Ward's Words #1098

Here, at Ward’s Words, we are releasing three new treats for Easter. The first is called Sour Patch Kidneys. Odd shaped gummies that, when bitten into, release a salty-sour liquid center. They’re best if you warm them up before eating.

Ward's Words #1095

I thought the “mother of all bombs” was Betty Crocker… She does make yellow cake.

Ward's Words #1094

If I had a child, I’d name it Joe. Just so he could wake up to morning Joe.

Ward's Words #1091

Sure, owning a butcher shop next to a cemetery seems convent, but the constant shoveling makes it such a hassle. Winter sure is Hell in Buffalo, NY.

Ward's Word #1090

After watching many Star Wars movies I’ve noticed that the Storm Troopers white plastic armor is completely useless.

Ward's Words #1087

I don't understand why my new restaurant didn’t do so well. It had trendy Mexican food and an equally trendy name. I called it Reflux.

Ward's Words #1086

So, I'm checking out at the store yesterday and they can't process my Blood Glucose test strips without a manager to authorize the transaction. What? Is jabbing your finger so trendy that they are afraid of theft?

Ward's Words #1084

I want to start a home for experimental animals. You know, a mouse with a human ear growing on its back. I like to call them spare parts.

Ward's Words #1081

Now that we have security cameras, April and I can enjoy the great outdoors without that whole getting up and going outside thing.  No more pesky opening doors.  Adios bugs.  Oh, look at the bunny on camera three.  If I only had a drone, I could nuke that silly wabbit from my couch.

Ward's Words #1079

Now, every movie I watch, I wait through the end credits to see if there’s some extra clip with Thor or Iron Man. Beauty and the Beast totally stiffed me.

Ward's Words #1078

I noticed a sign directing me to a life-sized Candy Land game. Seriously excited, I sped to the local only to have my feelings turn immediately to skepticism. It was being held at a church. What kind of bait and switch was this? There’s no fun those places. They even ruin snack time.

Ward's Words #1076

I’m thinking my new hobby might be playing with lithium ion batteries. You know, puncturing them and throwing them into fires. Just harmless stuff like that.

Ward's Words #1073

Just thinking about all those dinosaurs swimming around in my gas tank makes me proud to know my Subaru is Velociraptor powered.

Ward's Words #1072

I met a tiny scientist. He was a microbiologist.

Ward's Words #1070

Driving up the onramp I had visions of Evil Kenevil getting ready to jump a bunch of busses. As I passed said onramp… It was kind of a big letdown.

Ward’s Words #1068

I don’t understand hoodies. Having your hood up during a normal conversation, what are you?  A gnome. It's ridiculous. It's 70 degrees and you have your hood up. Are you trying to avoid some nearby Nazgul?

Ward's Words #1066

If you see three mongoose would you call them mongeese?

Ward's Words #1064

I think we have nuclear war all wrong. I say, instead of launching them at other countries, we just buy a couple of hammers. If someone launches theirs at us we hit ours with a hammer. No need to intercept their missiles. You launch yours at us and America destroys the world. No winners. No losers. There’s no hiding when we incinerate the world and just think of how much we’d save on rocket engines.

Ward's Words #1061

Putting an Amazon dot in your living room is like asking hackers to watch the Daily Show with you. Laziness is no reason to give up your privacy.

Ward's Words #1060

That sad moment when you realize you’re the old couple at the party.

Ward's Words #1057

Daylight savings time makes me think. How can I set my clock back 30 years?

Ward's Words #1055

I have to admit to all of my friends. I'm a spy. No, not Russian. I'm a Canadian spy.  I’m kind of like your cooler, older brother but I have better beer.  We don't believe in waterboarding, we just promise a nice breakfast at Tim Horton's and every American spills the beans.

Ward's Words #1053

The guy who stole our identity is spending less than April and I do so we just decided to let it go.

Ward's Words #1050

I wonder if China has cheap stores full of stuff labeled Made in America?

Ward's Words #1048

Isn't it odd that Caesar salad originated in Mexico?

Ward's Words #1046

We, the fine people at Ward’s Words, have developed a new breakfast cereal called Tweeties. The new presidential treat that usually spells out fake news.

I don't like to promote my books and art here but if you like Ward's Words or want to read the first and/or second of my Zombie Apocalypse Books they are ***FREE*** downloads at https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/DougWard my other books are %50 off so get yours today.

Ward's Words #1044

We, at Ward's Words (formerly Ward's Laws) have been working on a mouthguard to protect one's mouth from the razor sharp Captain Crunch effect. Titanium is useless against the abrasive fiberglass texture of this breakfast food.

Ward's Words #1043

I was thinking about the young actress who played the little girl in the original Night of the Living Dead. I wonder how her acting career panned out?

Ward's Words #1041

I recently got my debit card skimmed by some criminal. They cleaned me out. That’s right, they got twenty-five dollars.

Ward's Words #1038

I resent the fact that pet shops feel it’s cute to associate dogs peeing and fireplugs. They should at least provide firefighters with wet naps.

Ward's Words #1036

I can relate to Leonardo DeCaprio's character from the Revenant. I too was the victim of a bear attack. Specifically, it was a Kuala bear. I knew wearing Vicks Vaporub to the zoo was tempting fate. The attack lasted 2 days and spanned a distance of roughly 4 feet. During which I was able to binge on the last season of The Big Bang Theory and I visited my mom. Twice. Although the scars of his sluggish claws will vanish over time I'll forever carry the image of this terrifying event.

Ward's Words #1035

Shouldn’t the LA Lakers somehow be associated with a lake? Even vaguely…

Ward's Words #1032

I was thinking about taking up running but then I read a report that outlined the correlation between exercise and hip and knee replacements. That's why my new regime is going to be a completely sedentary lifestyle. If I can't reach it I don't need it.

Ward's Words #1030

That fateful night, I could only watch in horror as a young Swiss Miss's life drained away before my eyes... (and out of my mug with mini marshmallows.) I stand with the Swiss because they stood with us after Bowling Green!

Ward's Words #1029

I'm always amazed at young people who wear camouflage ton dates. Are they taking a hunter/prey philosophy on courting?

Ward's Words #1027

I find my iPhone's FaceTime camera is great for checking for hangers. That is, unless you mistakenly call someone while doing so.

Ward's Words #1025

I can’t understand how anyone can watch basketball? I can’t even get past the squeaking sneakers.

Ward's Words #1093

Every time I watch an X-Men movie I find myself thinking, "What happened to you Gandalf?"

Ward’s Words #1021

My doctor told me to eat more fruit so I bought some Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries.

Ward's Words #1019

The only thing my memory foam shoe inserts do is remember the terrible smell of my feet.

Ward's Words #1017

Is jagoff supposed to be hyphenated? I asked at the Gianiggle but they don kno…

Ward's Words #1014

I hate when people say they married their best friend. My best friend was my wingman. I doubt she’d go for it.

Ward's Words #1012

I believe in our safety as much as the next guy but when we start fingerprinting babies… What could they possibly have done? They were literally born yesterday.

Ward's Words #1011

Shouldn’t people who wear “Just Do It!” shirts look like they just did something?

Ward's Words #1009

I’d love to be a superhero. To fly overhead and stop evil in its tracks. To end nefarious plots, and to right wrongs before the good come to harm. That is only if I can take a nap every afternoon and have every other Friday off. I sleep in on weekends and need a snack after each heroic deed.

Ward's Words #1007

It wasn't until I started using voice to text software that I realized how horrible my Pittsburgh accent really is. Yinz really isn't a word?

Ward's Words #1005

Ward's Words #1005 I tried to join the Polar Bear Club but they refused to move their meetings to the local YMCA. Hey, it's cold outside.

Ward's Words #1003

What's up with the wedge salad? A quarter of a hunk of ice burg lettuce and some dressing. No nutritional value for all the cost.

Ward's Words #1001

I told you all that the zombie apocalypse was real. The White House is saying that the dead are voting. Not exactly what I pictured it would be like but I'll take it.

Sorry folks

I won't be releasing anymore Ward's Words until tomorrow. So stay tuned to this Bat-Channel for the highly anticipated #1000 Ward's Words codenamed "Fred Sanford" I can hardly wait, myself!!!

Ward's Words #997

I just lost my job as a bus boy. Somehow the management opposed my views of recycling. Those last diners left a half rack of ribs just sitting there. It would've wound up in some landfill. I had to eat it.

Ward's Words #995

The fine people here, at Ward’s Words (which is much funnier that the former Ward’s Laws) have uncovered the true reason why there is very little evidence for Bigfoot sightings.  As we all know, we have plaster casts of actual footprints, hair samples, but little else.  That’s because they are actually vampires and it is well-documented science that vampires don’t show up in photographs.  For the few skeptics out there; why do all Bigfoot sightings happen at night?  I need Sean Spicer to rebuke the skeptics?

Ward's Words #993

I don’t understand Star Wars. Really, someone shoots a blaster and the Jedi can somehow move fast enough to block the shot which happens to be traveling at the speed of light.

Ward's Words #991

When in the doctor's waiting room, I like to talk to myself imitating Gollum. I like to say things like, "Is it juicy precious? Is it tender?" Really freaks out the others nearby.

Ward's Words #989

Why do they have you announce your name at Alcoholics Anonymous?

Ward's Words #987

I don't like sports bars. All those screens distract me. I'm always watching the wrong game when something good happens.

Ward's Words #985

I don’t chew food with my mouth open because I’m rude. I do it to share my experience of eating with all people close enough to enjoy the show.

Ward's Words #984

I was playing the Sarah Palin version of Scrabble. The tiles had complete words on them.

Ward's Words #981

When I was younger, women treated dating me like a sport. It must've been fishing because they seemed to practice catch and release a lot. 

Ward's Words #980

Nuclear War is like peeing in a pool. Sure, you detonate a missile in another country, but then, mere hours later, the rotation of the earth puts you in the middle of the fallout.

Ward's Words #978

Sadly, I was researching my heritage and my family crest involves images of both hairballs and toenail clippings. 

Ward's Words #975

In our overly hydrated world, where people carry large water containers everywhere they go, we must be putting a lot of undue pressure on our public facilities. 

Ward's Words #973

My wife said she likes the atmosphere in this new restaurant. I gave her a strange look and said, “I don’t get it.  The atmosphere is 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, 0.9% argon, and 0.03% carbon dioxide with very small percentages of other elements just like the rest of the earth.”

Ward's Words #972

I remember when going tubing used to mean sliding down a hill on an uncontrolled truck inner tube. Now it's just more sitting on the couch watching videos of people sliding down hills on YouTube. Go outside and play!!!