Ward's Words #594

I tried one of those magnetic bracelets that are supposed to take away pain.  It drew all my iron to that spot and I nearly had a stroke.  So much for relieving pain…

Ward's Words #592

While at drug stores, I like drinking out of the pharmacies water fountain. Just the thought of all those exotic diseases sipping from that spout makes me want to swoon. 

Ward's Words #590

The fine people at Ward’s Words have abandoned their new timekeeping device.  It was called the times table but we felt it didn’t add up?

Ward's Words #587

Why, when something hurts, do we constantly want to touch it. 

Ward's Words #585

I like to ask people I associate with if, in an emergency, they would eat a human being. It allows me to keep potential cannibals at arms distance. 

Ward's Words #583

The first silk top hat in England is credited to George Dunnage.  Nice name George, did you think men would put it on their bottom if you didn’t add some type of directions in the name.  

Ward's Words #582

Man, do the workers at Lowes get mad when you try to test out a shower?  Hey, I’m not naked, I’m shopping.  These people need to cut the crap and let people make an informed decision.  Crap…  Hmmm…  I do need a new toilet.

Ward's Words #579

We, the fine people of Ward's Words, have developed the hidden power to read minds. We harnessed this ability through rigorous training, pushing our test subjects to the point of damaging their exhausted minds. The only limitation we've encountered is that we can only communicate through telepathy with athletes minds. Therefore we will call this new scientific breakthrough ESPN. 

Ward's Words #578

That's the last time I take a low budget flight. They served cabbage stew for our meal.  Let me tell you they didn’t need wings to keep us airborne but they did have problems landing the plane.

Word's Words #575

Just remember that if you help someone with a crime you’re just a loose end.  Loose ends usually don't survive very long.

Ward's Words #573

Why not just start making Solent Green? Now that we know that 2% of hotdog samples tested contained human DNA, what's the big deal.

Ward's Words #572

Being old has it’s benefits.  I get so many calories from my morning pills that I can skip breakfast. 

Ward's Words #570

Dddammit!!!  Why ddddid I procrastinate the iiice bbucket challenggge….  Burrrrrr

Ward's Words #567

These kids now-a-days are wimps. Air soft guns?  In my day we shot each other with BB guns.  

Disclaimer;

Ward’s Words is not responsible for the misuse of any air powered rifle. However, Ward’s Words does not guarantee the correctness and completeness of the information provided in it’s jokes. Equally, Ward’s Words does not guarantee that this information is up to date. Please remember that Ward’s Words uses trained personnel while shooting each other with air rifles.  Do NOT try this at home.

Ward's Words #566

Did you ever take a huge gulp of apple cider and think about how many worms were squished in that batch. 

Ward's Words #564

Well, vanishing cream doesn't work.  Now I'm cold, naked, and totally visible.  Why did I ever get the idea to try it downtown? 

Ward's Words #562

The fine people at Ward's Words are issuing a product recall.  It’s been brought to our attention that the home vasectomy kit has a flaw.  The lack of any form of anesthetic was absent from out kit.  In order to address this oversight we will be supplying a medium sized rubber mallet.  If it was good enough for the Moe, Larry, and Curly, it’s good enough for us.  Nyuk nyuk nyuk…

Ward's Words #561

I think it's funny that all Christians don't see the truth of evolution. Their bible has evolved how many times?  The King James Bible, Living Bible, the Amplified Bible, the Coverdale Bible, the Concordant Bible, the Darby Bible, the Tyndale Bible, to name but a few.

Ward's Words #559

My sculpture class made some artwork recently, but they didn't go over well with the parents.  I guess using earwax for the medium was a bad idea.