Ward's Words #199

If the IRS has all of our tax information, why do we have to file again?

Ward's Words #197

I thought Denny’s had really become classy.  I gave my jacket to the coat check girl only to find out I'd handed it to a woman in the first booth.  I want my coat back!!!

Ward's Words #195

Big business, if my call is so important to you why does it take 45 minutes for you to answer it?

Ward's Words #192

My high school guidance counselor said with my intelligence and skill set, I would have no problem gaining employment as either a circus oddity or the guy who gets shot out of a cannon.

Ward's Words #190

I am watching a movie about the zombie apocalypse set during the Civil War.  The weird thing is I’m so irked about the historical inaccuracies…

Ward's Words #188

I think Head and Shoulders is really marketing it’s shampoo toward guys with both head and back hair.

Ward's Words #187

Why aren’t space ships more spacious?

Ward's Words #185

Back in my day, all moms were secretly training us for the zombie apocalypse.  Think about it.  Eat everything on your plate showed us we can eat foods we hate if we have to.  Go outside and play gave us a brisk 12 hour aerobic exercise session every day.  I’m not sure about that whole brush your teeth thing because I plan on losing my toothbrush the first day of the apocalypse.  Just call me fuzzy teeth.

Ward's Words #182

Zombie apocalypse tip; I noticed while watching “The Walking Dead” that their hair is always a mess.  Pack a comb for crying out loud.  It weighs virtually nothing and fits almost anywhere.  I don’t mean those big ole Goody combs we had in the late 70’s, that stuck way out of you're back pocket.  I mean the basic “Fonzie” comb.  Remember disaster survivors, first impressions mean a lot when meeting mutants, or cannibalistic wasteland dwellers.  Put the right foot forward and comb that shaggy mop.  The next person you meet could either be your crazed overlord or your captor/chef.

Ward's Words #180

Ward’s Words has come up with another spectacular medical break-thru.  Prior to getting a colonoscopy there is no need for drinking a gallon of that chalky liquid.  Just eat a couple of fiery hot buffalo wings about 6 hours prior to the test.  If they don’t clean you out, nothing will.

Ward's Words #178

Milton Bradley is making a spin-off to its long-time, successful board game called "Life." The new game will be called "Death."  The object of the game is to try to take it all with you.

Ward's Words #177

I never eat popcorn or peanuts at a bar.  Think about it, you're in a place that causes people to have bad judgement as-well-as urinate frequently and you want to share finger food?

Ward's Words #175

If I had a time machine I’d build a robot and send it back in time to kill James Cameron before he could make those repetitive Terminator movies.

Ward's Words #172

They’re making another Terminator movie?  Let me guess the plot.  An indestructible robot from the future is going to try to kill someone.  Couldn’t see that one coming…

Ward's Words #171

While shoveling snow today my neighbor said, "I hate shoveling wet snow."  I waited a minute for him to think about it, then replied, "Snow is frozen water. How can one form of water be wetter than another."  

Ward's Words #168

While trolling eBay yesterday I saw a listing for the One Ring.  That's right, Isildur's Bane.  There were hundreds of them. You could see the elvish runes inside them and everything.  I'm going to have to lug a bushel basket of those things back to Mount Doom to dispose of them all.  You'd think eBay would have a policy against selling weapons of mass destruction.

Ward's Words #166

I mistakenly brushed my teeth with Rogaine.  Now, I have to shave my gums.  I feel like a whale straining my food through baleen every time I eat.  

Ward's Laws #165

I was asked recently if I was afraid of demons…  I just laughed and answered, “My wife just went through menopause, a demon would be a walk in the park.”

Ward's Words #162

Every time I visit Canada I notice how European it feels.  Maybe it's their language or it could be driving on the other side of the road, it always amazes me.  Speaking of driving, they are some of the worst motorists I've ever encountered.  Not only are they all over the road but they frequently honk their horns or shake a fist for no apparent reason.  I just chalk this hockey-like violent behavior up to having an overly long winter.

Ward's Words #161

My new line of scented candles aren't really selling well.  Burnt toast and wet dog are among the worst, but I really dropped the ball with week old sushi.

Ward's Words #158

What ever happened to Count Chocula?  Was his unnatural life ended by Van Helsing or did he succumb to the FDA?

Ward's Words #156

After watching the Super Bowl I noticed my Select Comfort bed was slightly deflated.  Coincidence?

Ward's Words #155

I accidentally switched yogurt brands to Activia.  Now, I have the digestive system of a teenage girl.

Ward's Words #152

If Bigfoot are just another branch of hominids, then what do we do with them.  Maybe we teach them, but I really pity the school principal who has to discipline them.