Ward's Words #1163

In 2019 I’ll be applying for a new job as a Blade Runner. 

Ward's Words #1161

Winter is coming early this summer. If you understand this, you’re my kind of people. 

Ward's Words #1159

I hate Christmas.  April got glitter wrapping paper and it’s everywhere.  I swear I’ve eaten at least a teaspoon of the sparkly stuff.  

Ward's Words #1157

Elf on a shelf is not only creepy but it is just another obligation for parents who uphold the myth of the season.

Ward's Words #1156

I just found out that my tax collector doesn’t accept Groupons.  

Ward's Words #1153

I have to admit that I am a distracted driver.  Whenever I pass holiday displays I become very distracted.  In order to combat this, I close my eyes.  That blocks the offending images and lets me get past them without any problem.

Ward's Words #1152

I really feel for the brave workers who build IKEA stores.  The building all come in flat, well-packed boxes, with those little wrenches.  The directions alone, since they contain no words, probably drive most construction workers out of their minds.

Ward's Words #1150

You’d think impatiens would grow faster. 

Ward's Words #1148

Betty Crocker wasn’t a real person.

Ward's Words #1145

It’s official. The salmonella lettuce scare is natures way of warning us of the dangers of vegetables.

Ward's Words #1143

We, here at Word’s Words, are developing what we like to call the After the Holidays patch. Like nicotine patches with these holiday patches, you will be able to gently taper off of the constant flow of sugar our bodies have become accustomed to during the holiday season.

Ward's Words #1141

Isn’t it odd that the Flintstones could figure out how to make a car but the concept of shoes completely eluded them?

Ward's Words #1139

My dog is a narcissist. 

Ward's Words #1138

I never get any sleep at rest areas.

Ward's Words #1136

I don’t think even a tardigrade could survive my sneakers.

Ward's Words #1134

My dog’s pictures get more likes than photo’s of me. 

Ward's Words #1132

The Frick is a frick ‘en great museum. Just say’en.

Ward's Words #1129

Isn’t it funny that the same neighbor who shakes his head at your large Halloween display goes way over the top for Christmas.

Ward's Words #1127

If you’ve ever been mistaken for a vampire, you may be goth.

Ward's Words #1124

You might be goth if you have more than one piece of Victorian clothing in your wardrobe.

Ward's Words #1223

If the gargoyles on your house are permanent, you may be goth.

Ward's Words #1120

You might be goth if the last time you had a tan was when you were twelve.

Ward's Words #1119

If you dye your hair black so it matches your wardrobe, you might be goth.

Ward's Words #1117

You might be goth if you were seriously upset about the depiction of vampires in the movie Twilight.

Ward's Words #1115

You might be goth if you cry during Tim Burton films.

Ward's Words #1113

You might be goth if you think the Amityville Horror house is a unique opportunity at a fixer-upper.

Ward's Words #1111

If Wolverines can regenerate from any would then what happens if he gets his finger cut off?  Are there now two Wolverines. When Deadpool got ripped in half by Juggernaut why didn’t that create two Deadpools?

Ward's Words #1108

I asked my barber for a Kim Jong-un. I'm no longer allowed in his shop. 

Ward's Words #1106

Never try to do origami with a folding table. 

Ward's Words #1005

I thought of entering the next Olympic Games but a little auto-correct later and I find myself circumcised swimming.

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Ward's Words #1103

Just think for a moment.  If Sleeping Beauty was a drooler, she’d have been snoozing in a lake of her own saliva.  That would have made quite a moist kiss for her Prince Charming.

Ward's Words #1100

I must have some really seedy friends.  One recently asked me to go fishing with him.  I grabbed my gear while he brought a computer.  I think he meant the “ph” kind…

Ward's Words #1098

I just noticed that every time I say something good about myself I qualify it with something like, “For a guy my age.” 

Ward's Words #1097

No.  I’ve never seen a lassie go this way and that.

Ward's Words #1094

Ummmm.... Dr. Strange. Why not use close a portal over Thanos's elbow and cut the gauntlet off like you did earlier with one of his children's arms?

Ward's Words #1093

Would you call a short knight eclipse?

Ward's Words #1090

What does it mean when your go-to font is Zapf WingDings?

Ward's Words #1088

I just figured out that I’m not the main character in my life. I do appear somewhere near the end credits but it’s more of a cameo role. 

Ward's Words #1086

I wonder when Mayor McCheese immigrated to America. His Scottish accent is almost unnoticeable. 

Ward's Words #1084

I set up my old Wii to see if it still works and much to my surprise, my Mii has a much better job than I do.  It doesn't even look like he aged a year...

Ward's Words #1083

Did Carl Kolchak ever write a story that wasn’t about some crazy monster that turned out to be real?

Ward's Words #1080

I just want all of my friends know that my body is completely steroid free. That’s right, I am 100% natural. Much like expensive steaks I….. Never mind.

Ward's Words #1078

So, I guess Sammy Hagar’s song is quite irrelevant with the current speed limits and all.

Ward's Words #1077

Diamonds aren’t forever.  They can be crushed by a simple, household hammer or burned in a fire.  Sure, diamonds burn.  The fire has to be 6000 degrees Fahrenheit or greater but they burn to ash in any event. 

Ward's Words #1074

Why do the frogs in our pond always seem to hide when it rains?

Ward's Words #1073

Is everything on Netflix British?  Cool!

Ward's Words #1070

Why is gold so expensive? Sure, it’s rare. I can only find it in every store… Everywhere… Even Kmart. Now that Kmart’s disappearing maybe it is going to be rare.

Ward's Words #1069

With the price of vitamins soaring, I decided to make my own, but keeping those tiny oil derricks on my goldfish’s back is really tough.

Ward's Words #1067

I like the term bathroom duties because I take my duty seriously.

Ward's Words #1065

Atheists are a non-prophet group.  

Ward's Words #1262

I really like the Allegheny Healthcare Pavilion. It was such a great idea to put the Pulmonary department on the top floor with such a lovely view for someone having an asthma attack.  

Ward's Words #1260

I’m really disappointed. Taco Bell says they have the next step in fries, then they show me cheese fries.  I’ve been eating nacho cheese fries for at least 20 years.  They are and were available… everywhere.  Maybe they should say, “We are finally catching up with everyone else and serving fries.”

Ward's Words #1258

This is the last time I pay the paperboy in bitcoin.

Ward's Words #1256

I have taken to wearing yellow pants.  Not for a fashion statement as much as to cover for incontinence.

Ward's Words #1254

Blaming auto-correct for poor spelling is like terrible blaming that smell on the dog.  It’s typically a distraction from it being your fault.

Ward's Words #1252

My 23andMe DNA kit results came in and it’s truly puzzling.  It says my origin is somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy.

Ward's Words #1251

I wonder if Chewbacca was hypoallergenic.

Ward's Words #1247

I left my wallet at home. It was a weird feeling but tolerable. Now if it was my phone, that’d be a different story.

Ward's Words #1244

Back in the day, cigarette companies trained the next generation of smokers with candy cigarettes.  Now, what will they use? Candy vapes?

Ward's Words #1242

If Superman is vulnerable to kryptonite which is a part of his exploded planet, why isn’t he vulnerable to anything else from Krypton?  Kara, aka Supergirl or even Krypto, super dog should kill him.  The ship he arrived in should do him in.  He even carries a crystal from his home planet, but it doesn’t harm him in the least. 

Ward's Words #1241

Leonardo Da Vinci invented what we would call the modern day scissors.

Ward's Words #1238

I hate the time change.  It always throws off my poop schedule. 

Ward's Words #1236

After the coming apocalypse, in a Mad Max world, will we still have to use turn signals?

Ward's Words #1235

I don’t think I have a coat or pair of pants that doesn’t have a plastic bag in one pocket or another, so yes, I have a dog.

Ward's Words #1232

Why have all the children’s games we played become based on playgrounds today?  RedRover, BuckBuck, Kill the Quarterback. Sure, we suffered the occasional broken bone but it was good clean fun. Heck, I’d even go for a good, old game of Kick the Can. 

Ward's Words #1231

Captain Planet used the powers of the earth… and heart?  

Ward's Words #1228

I find it funny that Russia can make hugely advanced nuclear weapons and yet the videos they showed are so amateurish.  Kind of makes you wonder…

Ward's Words #1227

In an effort to increase airflow throughout our house during the summer months, I’ve installed screen doors on each of our bathrooms.  

Ward's Words #1225

Matches are made for haunted houses. 

Ward's Words #1223

How did the Grinch get so strong if the only muscle that grew was his heart?

Ward's Words #1220

I’m giving up my dream of being a superhero. I don’t strike such an intimidating figure looking a little paunchy in my purple spandex.

Ward's Words #1219

If you buy some old Victorian home and don’t expect it to be haunted you’re a little crazy.

Ward's Words #1216

I sure am glad the Steelers picked Plaxico Burress with their 8th pick of the 2000 draft.  We could’ve gotten stuck with somebody like Tom Brady with pick #199 in the 6th round.  Good thing we still had Kordell Stewart throwing the pigskin.  #Hindsight 

Ward's Words #1215

Isn’t Uber kind of like calling your buddy to pick you up and slipping him a couple of bucks?  That is, if your friends are complete strangers.

Ward's Words #1212

Next time you adjust that expensive necktie or snuggle under that satiny sheet remember, that soft silk came out of a worms butt. 

Ward's Words #1211

I think all food should be cooked and served on a stick.  No pesky plates or forks, the food will be consumed and the stick neatly disposed of.  Sure, pudding might be a challenge and I’m still working out the problems with soup (maybe a communal soup/gravy boat), but all in all, I think it’s the future of dining.

Ward's Words #1209

I love those people who put black tape over the camera on their computer to prevent hackers from seeing them. Umm, your computer has a microphone. You can turn it off but a hacker can certainly turn it back on. Also, many of these people have an Alexa or Google Home so having an active listening device is probably of little concern. By the way, your smart TV also has a camera. 

Ward's Words #1207

I believe barbers should charge by the volume of the customer's hair, not the style of the cut (Looks like I'll be paying pennies on the dollar.)

Ward's Words #1205

I will be giving my State of the Onion address tonight.  Right now, it’s gurgling around in my gut but I’m pretty sure it’ll be making a second appearance as reflux soon.

Ward's Words #1203

You’d think the food pyramid would be skinnier?

Ward's Words #1200

Does it strike anyone else odd that almost every member of Congress looks like gramma or grandpa.  Didn’t they ever hear about retirement?

Ward's Words #1199

You’d think a cuttlefish would be more cuddly.

Ward's Words #1196

I can’t wait until I retire.  Aerobics in the pool, that’s my speed, baby. 

Ward's Words #1194

I can’t understand why anyone is loyal to the Pirates.  The organization doesn’t feel the same in any way.  If they did, they wouldn’t be having a fire sale of their best players.  I wonder if their ticket prices will reflect their decline in salaries and drop?  I guess you’ll just be paying for a pirogue race and to have cheap t-shirts shot at you.  Go Bucs!

Ward's Words #1193

If the NFL isn’t rigged, why don’t the Steelers win every year?

Ward's Words #1190

I told NASA it was such a bad idea to visit Ceti Alpha VI.

Ward's Words #1189

Sheetz is a simple misspelling away from being a really crappy place.

Ward's Words #1186

As hairy as I am, if I groom myself it’s kind of like an odd form of topiary. Maybe I should just banzai my torso and get it over with. 

Ward's Words #1184

When phonebooks get phased out what war we going to fill our landfills with. 

Ward's Words #1183

Does Ash ever pick up his Pokeballs after he throws them?

Ward's Words #1181

I wish I was tall.  Then, people would look up to me.

Ward's Words #1179

Science says that not many things can change from a solid to a gas without first becoming a liquid. I guess they haven’t heard of cabbage?

Ward's Words #1177

Coffee isn’t math friendly because half and half is actually a whole.

Ward's Words #1174

If you are having lunch with someone from Holland how do you decide who picks up the check?

Ward's Words #1172

At my height, I’m trying to ingest any and all meats with growth hormones in them.