Ward's Words #1043

I was thinking about the young actress who played the little girl in the original Night of the Living Dead. I wonder how her acting career panned out?

Ward's Words #1041

I recently got my debit card skimmed by some criminal. They cleaned me out. That’s right, they got twenty-five dollars.

Ward's Words #1038

I resent the fact that pet shops feel it’s cute to associate dogs peeing and fireplugs. They should at least provide firefighters with wet naps.

Ward's Words #1036

I can relate to Leonardo DeCaprio's character from the Revenant. I too was the victim of a bear attack. Specifically, it was a Kuala bear. I knew wearing Vicks Vaporub to the zoo was tempting fate. The attack lasted 2 days and spanned a distance of roughly 4 feet. During which I was able to binge on the last season of The Big Bang Theory and I visited my mom. Twice. Although the scars of his sluggish claws will vanish over time I'll forever carry the image of this terrifying event.

Ward's Words #1035

Shouldn’t the LA Lakers somehow be associated with a lake? Even vaguely…

Ward's Words #1032

I was thinking about taking up running but then I read a report that outlined the correlation between exercise and hip and knee replacements. That's why my new regime is going to be a completely sedentary lifestyle. If I can't reach it I don't need it.

Ward's Words #1030

That fateful night, I could only watch in horror as a young Swiss Miss's life drained away before my eyes... (and out of my mug with mini marshmallows.) I stand with the Swiss because they stood with us after Bowling Green!

Ward's Words #1029

I'm always amazed at young people who wear camouflage ton dates. Are they taking a hunter/prey philosophy on courting?

Ward's Words #1027

I find my iPhone's FaceTime camera is great for checking for hangers. That is, unless you mistakenly call someone while doing so.

Ward's Words #1025

I can’t understand how anyone can watch basketball? I can’t even get past the squeaking sneakers.

Ward's Words #1093

Every time I watch an X-Men movie I find myself thinking, "What happened to you Gandalf?"

Ward’s Words #1021

My doctor told me to eat more fruit so I bought some Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries.

Ward's Words #1019

The only thing my memory foam shoe inserts do is remember the terrible smell of my feet.

Ward's Words #1017

Is jagoff supposed to be hyphenated? I asked at the Gianiggle but they don kno…

Ward's Words #1014

I hate when people say they married their best friend. My best friend was my wingman. I doubt she’d go for it.

Ward's Words #1012

I believe in our safety as much as the next guy but when we start fingerprinting babies… What could they possibly have done? They were literally born yesterday.

Ward's Words #1011

Shouldn’t people who wear “Just Do It!” shirts look like they just did something?