Ward's Words #65

I think I’m starting to fit in at school.  Recently I started to sit at the cool kid table.  I like when they joke with me.  They usually say, “What are you doing sitting here, runt!”  They’re so funny…

Ward's Words #63

My dad really liked James Bond so he dressed me in a leisure suit and sent me to school.  The girls in my class didn’t take notice but the lunch ladies sure had eyes for me.

Ward's Words #61

I wonder if Neil Degrasse Tyson was one of the cool kids?  He had that triple name thing that all the popular guys from the 80’s had.

Ward's Words #59

Last year, I had such a poor corn crop, so this year I'm taking a tip from our Native American friends. When I plant my candy corn I'm going to bury a Swedish fish under it.  That was an early form of fertilizer.

Ward's Words #57

My t-shirt is made with that moisture wicking material.  It's really nice. The fabric takes any perspiration and pulls it away from my body.  Unfortunately the sweater I'm wearing on top is totally drenched.

Ward's Words #54

Do we have people who clean the nuclear missiles buried deep in their bunkers, or do we have a service. Kinda like Molly Maid. Wouldn’t they get kind of dusty?

Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014

Generations of man have shunned the gingers.  The truth has been laid before me and like a mirror, it’s reflect reveals the terrible truth.  We are the real monsters.  We judged the gingers clown-like appearances falsely, and succumbed to irrational fear.  In shame I walk away…  Heart nearly as heavy as my pockets, full of Freckula’s lunch money.  

Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014

Thinking flames would lick skyward from the bones and ashes of the now destroyed Frecklua, to my dismay, nothing happens.  A paper white claw reaches for my hand.  I react too slowly, as the fingers clutch my arm.  Nothing happens.  Could the tablets be wrong?  Could everything I have been taught be horribly wrong.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014

The only way to slay Freckula is to expose him to the cleansing rays of our earth sun.  Entering his lair, located in his parents basement, we attempt to lure the sub-human from his shadowy lair.  A trail of Pop Tarts lead our quarry out to his doom.  

Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014

It was a mistake.  Everyone should stop bashing the pigment challenged at your earliest convenience.  The old tablet really referred to a head ginger.  If we slay the first Freckula the others will revert to a nice auburn (with soft highlights and a cute pixie cut.)  

Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014

We, at Ward’s Words (formerly the less funny Ward’s Laws,) have found an ancient tablet.  After deciphering it, we believe the only way to stop the living gingers is to double tap them on their bright orange noggins.  Where’s my 9 iron cause it’s clobber ‘en time!!!

Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014 Part 3

The fine people at Ward’s Words (the same people who formerly brought you Ward’s Laws,) are now working on ways to identify the daylight deprived.  We now conclusively know that sunblock was designed so the gingers could walk among us during the day.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014

I must master my fear, for this is a time for rational thoughts.  Clearer heads will prevail.  I must consult those champions of normalcy, Ward’s Words.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014

Aackkkk  It just dawned on me.  Gingers can use hair dye.  The soulless could be walking among us at this very moment.  Every one of you is now suspect.  Stay back all of you, back I say.  Where’s my zombie whack ’en stick?

Ward's Words #53

Dr. Frankenstein was the only guy in his whole village with electricity.  And he wonders why they formed a mob and stormed his castle.

Ward's Words #50

Has anyone ever seen Jared Leto turn his head while he's on he red carpet. It creeps me out that he's always facing forward.

Ward's Words #49

I’m sure glad Virginia thought of the monicker “Virginia is for lovers” before Pennsylvania did.  “PA is for lovers,” just sounds wrong…

Ward's Words #47

I always felt werewolves were the lesser of monster kind.  Any beast that can be killed by a silver butter knife is a tad nonthreatening don’t you think?

Ward's Words #44

Vegas will bet on anything.  They have odds on my credit score and the problem is that I’m the underdog.  +7, That's the best you can do?

Ward's Words #43

Did you ever look back at the line of traffic behind you and wonder if someone back there has to poop really badly?  You guessed it.  That's when I like to slow down.

Ward's Words #40

Why does he US Post Office advertise?  It's not like you can buy stamps anywhere else. Ok, you can get them elsewhere, but they still get the money for the sale. They even have a box right there in your front yard!

Ward's Words #38

I know why movie theaters offer discounts to senior citizens on Monday's. It's so no one gets alarmed by the trucks transporting the bodies to the Soylent Green processing plants.

Ward's Words #36

While talking to a young woman at a bar I quickly found out my definition of a Dungeon Master was completely different than hers. That's the last time I try to impress anyone with my lofty titles.

Ward's Words #33

Disney, in an undisguised money grab, is making Toy Story 4.  Come on, Toy Story 3 brought Andy's toys full circle.  I openly balled my eyes out for at least 5 minutes and sobbed for a few more. The third installment was the perfect ending. Making one more is nothing but greed...  What?  They're going to sell collector glasses at McDonalds...  Never mind.

Ward's Words #33

I'm thinking of changing up my tooth brushing routine. My dentist suggests twice a day but being the rebel I am I'm thinking twice a month. Think of the toothpaste I'll be saving.

Ward's Words #31

I bought a juicer because I wanted to get more fruits and vegetables in me, but am too lazy to have to chew them with my own teeth.  That’s really what they’re for, right?

Ward's Words #29

When a kid in my neighborhood got chicken pox the mothers had us all play with the sick child so we could all get over it at once.  When Timmy, down the block, got Ebola…

Ward's Words #26

I don’t think of my septic tank leaking on my neighbors lawn as a bad thing.  I think of it as if I’m a very inexpensive lawn service.  His grass is usually green and luxurious until February.

Ward's Words #25

Batman, one of the coolest super Heroes ever.  Batman, the worst rogues gallery ever.  A penguin man.  Throw him a colored ball to balance on his nose and he’s done.  A scare crow?  A riddle guy?  And don’t start with Bane.  Pull the rubber hoses out and he shrivels up like a snail eating salt.  All-in-all, the worst reoccurring villains ever.

Ward's Laws #23

Maybe I watch too many horror movies but if you're thinking about buying a house with an old fashioned water well out back, you're really buying a porthole to hell.