Ward's Words #108

I don't trust people who have air fresheners in their cars. It makes me wonder what's decomposing in their trunk that they're so afraid of someone discovering.

Ward's Words #107

I tried a new pheromone based cologne.  I didn’t know the maker actually used avian pheromones until I got to the penguin section.  Let’s just say I’m not allowed to go back to the zoo, ever.

Ward's Words #105

If the lottery gave prize money for completely avoiding any correct numbers I’d be a millionaire many times over.

Ward's Words #101

I like going to a new Walmart when the set-up is backwards.  You know, the foods are to the left and the home goods are to the right.  It’s like being on a European vacation.  Cruising isles on the opposite side.  I’ll bet if you flush the toilets the water would spin in the opposite direction.  It’s pure magic.

Ward's Words #100

I applied for a new, job but they wouldn’t accept my diploma from Hogwarts.  It’s not like Stark Industry will amount to anything anyway.

Ward's Words #99

My family wouldn't let me listen to the Partridge Family cause their hippy freak looks and hypnotic hard rock was sure to poison my mind.

Ward's Words #97

I wonder if Hasheem Thabeet looks up to his parents? 

Ward's Words #95

It’s kind of freaky to google search yourself and look at the pictures of others with your name.  What a menagerie of freaks.  I’m the pretty one and shall be their god someday!

Ward's Words #93

I'm all about supporting my wife in whatever she wants to do, but why does it have to be world dominance. Now, I have a basement full of mutant warriors and they drank all of my 7 Up.  I thought I was the only one on the planet who likes that stuff, but apparently mutants love it too.  Did I mention I have a septic tank...

Ward's Words #91

It isn't that the idea of a Sistine Chapel paint by numbers seems kind of wrong.  It's the fact that you have to lay on your back to paint it that makes it so awkward.

Ward's Words #90

I'm not saying the college I went to was bad.  I'm just saying that Jenga is not an acceptable part of an engineering curriculum.

Ward's Words #87

If you checked your AOL account today, admit it, you’re seriously old… and probably living under a rock.  With dial-up and a Hotmail account.

Ward's Words #86

What kind of communist wants BBQ pizza?  Isn't pepperoni good enough for you hipsters?

Ward's Words #84

My brilliant plan to become the invisible man really took a hit when I found out vanishing cream doesn't measure up to what it's name implies.  It said apply directly to skin so not only was I cold but now I’m naked on YouTube…

Ward's Words #82

The animal protection league is pressing charges against me because I haven't fed my Giga Pet since I lost interest in it in 1997.  I knew a virtual pet was way too much responsibility for me.

Ward's Words #79

I think playing the board game Operation would go a lot better if they gave the patient some anesthetic. Poor guys awake during the whole thing.

Ward's Words #78

I don’t understand why we don't build our homes out of Lego.  Really big Lego.  Additions would be easy to DIY and let’s not mention the insulation value of plastic…

Ward's Words #76

Why are the guys in the Lollipop Guild so angry?  Just sing along and remember… “We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild.”

Ward's Words #74

I was asked about my family tree.  I”m not an ent, I’m a human.  My ancestors swung from trees, we didn't grow among them.  So leaf me alone.

Ward's Words #72

A friend of mine said he wanted me to experience spelunking. If I would have known it was risking my life in some damp, dark cave I would've said no. I thought It was some nice Polish food or something.

Ward's Words #69

My dad used to cut my hair when I was 15 years old.  I didn’t have a girlfriend that whole year…  Coincidence?

Ward's Words #68

I opened my box of cereal from the bottom so now I have to eat it for dinner.