Ward's Words #969

Just wondering here…  Let’s just say, I build my evil hideout on a volcanic island shaped like a skull.  Do I have to get permits to dump my nuclear waste into the sea or am I now outside the EPA’s regulatory reach?  I don’t want to commit and violations mind you.

Ward's Words #968

I think the Humane Society has it all wrong.  Clubbing seals sounds like a lot of fun.  I can see them dancing under some disco ball and partying the night away.

Ward's Words #965

In Star Wars, the characters speak English but their computer screens display a bunch of strange, random shapes. 

Ward's Words #963

In 2015 the total spending, Discretionary as well as Mandatory spending was 16%.  Far less than the 28% for Human Health and Services and Social Security at 25% although it is much more than Education at 3%.  I wonder what the total government spending on Bigfoot conservation was?

Ward's Words #962

At Ward’s Words, we strive to make our products safe for customers as well as our employees.  Therefore, we will hereby discontinue testing our make-up line on lemurs.  We not only find it cruel but the subjects get very bitey after a goodly dose of lip gloss.

Ward's Words #959

I was told I had nice skin. I thought it was a compliment until I found out the guy who said it was a serial killer.  I think I was going to be his next skin suit.

Ward's Words #958

What happened to Anikin Skywalker’s voice?  He spoke like a regular young adult but in under twenty years, he changed his word choice and speech pattern so drastically?  I guess if I could sound like James Earl Jones I’d go to the Dark Side too.

Ward's Words #956

So, some smarty pants got me a stocking for the holidays. Just what I need. Another single sock. I guess I'll just add it to the drawer full I already have. 

Ward's Words #954

I wanted to get a jump on bikini season so I visited the nearest salon. The woman backed away muttering something about there not being enough wax at Yankee Candles for a guy like me. 

Ward's Words #951

At Ward’s Words, we strive to make the day-to-day lives of our customers a priority.  Therefore, we will hereby discontinue using permanent marker in our new line of eyeliners. It seems by permanent, Sharpie actually means about a week.

Ward's Words #949

I'm so old that when I was a kid, it was right after the ice age and around the holidays we'd be bad just for the lumps of coal in our stockings.

Ward's Words #945

I think Ancient Alien Theorist is an acronym for "A nut bag who makes unlikely connections and believes that the answer to any question must be aliens."  Question; The blocks making up the pyramids are so precise a piece of paper can't fit between them. Ancient Alien Theorist answer; Alien Technology. Real answer; they were smarter than we give credit for. They had saws. Or is it more compelling to dream that they had light sabers? 

Ward's Words #944

Aren't green holiday lights kind of like dressing deer in camouflage?  You can barely see them. The whole tree is green. 

Ward's Words #943

The fine people at Oxy made a facial pad. After briefly considering Oxycotton they quickly changed gears and dubbed it facial pads.  I wonder why?

Ward's Words #940

For the holidays, I got one of those projectors that display dots of light on my house. I didn't realize they'd be shining through the windows all night. I find it terribly distracting while I watch reruns of the Golden Girls. And the cats, my gosh the cats are going positively crazy. It's like a million laser pointers all over my walls. 

Ward's Words #939

Why do Osage Orange trees grow Hedge Apples?  They must be the platypus of the tree world.

Ward's Words #935

Did you ever wonder why the hero always wins. We, here at Ward's Words, have isolated the reason. It's the music. Evil is always depicted with foreboding, twisted melodies while the hero rises with that inspirational score.  How can you out-box Rocky with a theme like “Eye of the Tiger.”

Ward's Words #933

If you don't believe in a grand designer then explain why turkeys come with that little plastic pop out thing that indicates when it's cooked all the way through. 

Ward's Words #932

I love turtles.  If you cook them upside down you get soup with a built-in bowl. (No actual turtles were harmed during the writing of these words.) 

Ward's Words #930

Maybe we shouldn't name our elite group of Navy soldiers, Seals. Seals are animals that are prey. Ones that are easily clubbed.  I think we should call them Cybernetic Enhanced Space Dragon Samurai.  Who in their right mind would mess with that?   

Ward's Words #928

On shows like Ghost Hunters or Ghost Adventures, when the guys catch an EVP on their handheld devices why don't we hear it? The camera filming the whole thing records sound just like their little handheld device. The camera probably has a better capacity for sound than a little handheld recorder.  Debunk that one fellas.  

Ward's Words #926

Wendy's square hamburgers disturb me.  Those meat corners peeking out of the bun represent a decent amount of hamburger real estate that bears no condiments what-so-ever.  You’re just eating plain burger at every corner.

Ward's Words #924

While watching several Let Go commercials I noticed a disturbing trend. It's never the person who owns the item who sells it. "I'm saving this for my man-cave."  The other says, “Let's sell it on Let Go." 

Ward's Words #922

I completed all of my activity rings on my Apple Watch before noon.  (I know what you’re thinking, over-achiever, right.)  Now, I’m done.  It’s the life of a slug for me.  I’m not moving from the couch for one…  Aww crap!  I left my candy bar in the kitchen.

Shower Strike 11-13–16

Shower Strike 11-13–16   My greasy body makes the tub like a slip-n-slide, but I finally manage to stabilize my position above water.  A tear forms in my eye as I look at the pretty, rainbow puddles of my oils form into grease slicks on the water's surface.  It is with a heavy heart that I drain the bath.  As I turn I notice my toothbrush sitting in it’s Buzz Lightyear holder.  I wonder, how much time I could save if I stopped brushing my teeth?

Shower Strike 11-13–16

That’s it!!!  I can’t take it anymore.  I’m washing my hands.  I knew I shouldn’t change my car’s oil in my delicate condition.

Shower Strike 11-13–16

Day five and I think I’m developing quite a nice musky scent.  Now, if I could only get rid of these cats.

Shower Strike 11-12–16

Four days into living without a shower and I can’t explain how liberating it really is.  I’m shocked at how much time I’ve freed up.  I may need to start another hobby.

Shower Strike 11-12–16

I wonder why my wife slept in the other room last night.

Shower Strike 11-11–16

Other than a feeling a bit sticky, I think my 3rd day of no showering is going really well.

Shower Strike 11-10–16

I picked the perfect time of year to end my ritualistic bathing.  Autumn.  With the windows and doors tightly sealed against the chill, what could possibly go wrong?

In honor of my new saga "Shower Strike"

In honor of my new saga "Shower Strike," I will republish my last saga "Invasion of the Gingers." "Shower Strike" actually began 1 post ago. Enjoy the daily posts pertaining to this serial like story.

Invasion of the Gingers

Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014

Aackkkk… It just dawned on me. Gingers can use hair dye. The soulless could be walking among us at this very moment. Every one of you is now suspect. Stay back all of you, back I say. Where’s my zombie/ginger whack ’en stick?

Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014

I must master my fear, for this is a time for rational thoughts. Clearer heads will prevail. I must consult those champions of normalcy, Ward’s Words.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014

The fine people at Ward’s Words (the same people who formerly brought you Ward’s Laws,) are now working on ways to identify the daylight deprived. We now conclusively know that sunblock was designed so the gingers could walk among us during the day.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014

We, at Ward’s Words (formerly the less funny Ward’s Laws,) have found an ancient tablet. After deciphering it we believe the only way to stop the living gingers is to double tap them on their bright orange noggins. Where’s my 9 iron cause it’s clobber ‘en time!!!

Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014

It was a mistake. Everyone should stop bashing the pigment challenged at your earliest convenience. The old tablet really referred to a head ginger. If we slay the first Freckula the others will revert to a nice auburn (with soft highlights with a cute pixie cut.)

Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014

The only way to slay Freckula is to expose him to the cleansing rays of our earth sun. Entering his lair, located in his parents basement, we attempt to lure the sub-human from his shadowy domain. A trail of Pop Tarts leads our quarry out to his doom.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014

Thinking flames would lick skyward from the bones and ashes of the now destroyed Frecklua, to my dismay, nothing happens. A paper white claw reaches for my hand. I react too slowly, as the ivory fingers clutch my arm. Nothing happens. Could the tablets be false? Could everything I‘ve learned be horribly wrong.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014

Generations of man have shunned the gingers. The truth has been laid before me and like a mirror, it’s reflection reveals the terrible truth. We are the real monsters. We judged the gingers clown-like appearances falsely, and succumbed to irrational fear. In shame, I walk away… my heart nearly as heavy as my pockets, full of Freckula’s lunch money.

Shower Strike 11-9–16

That’s it.  I’m done showering.  Every day, I do the same thing.  An endless repetition of wasting soap.  Well, I say, “No more!”

Ward's Words #919

Why don’t Jedi fly?  If they have such strong telekinesis powers, they could just push themselves up into the air and forward.

Ward's Words #918

What exactly is the criteria for becoming a professional hitman?  Is there a board who judges your amateur status and promotes you.

Ward's Words #915

Pollution gets a bad rap.  I mean an oil spill has such splendid rainbow colors, and smog can make some very dramatic clouds.  Sure it’s killing us but I don’t like to be a glass half full type of guy. 

Ward's Words #914

Did you ever look at the latest lego products and want to punch their makers right in the throat! When I was a kid all you could make was a square. Now, you can make a freak’ en X-Wing Fighter.  

Ward's Words #912

I just found out that alcohol actually lowers a diabetic’s blood sugar so if you see me staggering around, I’m not drunk. I'm managing my diabetes. 

Ward's Words #909

Do you know why people put those little sunscreens in the back windows of their cars? Because babies are actually vampires. Why else would they shun sunlight?

Ward's Words #907

My idea of using clown cars as a way to increase participation in carpooling has hit a snag. I could only fit two people in the tiny vehicle without a chipper.

Ward's Words #905

I was in a holistic medicine shop. There was a sign that advertised Reiki for $20. For a yard full of leaves like mine that's quite a bargain. 

Ward's Words #903

Why would anyone buy an old house where all the furniture is covered with sheets?  If anything screams haunted house it's that. 

Ward's Words #901

I was accused of killing a man in the mall bathroom. Sure, from two stalls away I let fly with a silent but deadly fart, yet I don’t believe in the single pooper theory. I think there was another pooper on the other side of the gassy bowl.

Ward's Words #899

While out for a walk on a nice, secluded rails to trails did you ever wonder how many serial killers you pass by and give a friendly nod to. 

Ward's Words #897

While looking for a restroom at the mall, I noticed that there was a family bathroom. Is that so they can encourage you while you go to the potty?  Both breath grandma, it’s an SBD!

Ward's Woods #895

The neighborhood birds all devolved. Now, I'm stuck with a pack of velociraptors is hanging around my bird feeder. I knew I shouldn't have cheaped out on that seed.

Word's Words #893

I've given up walking. That's right. I'm banking my steps for when I'm older. I figure, that if a person is supposed to walk 10,000 steps a day and I only do 100, I've saved 9900 steps. By the end of the week, I could be up by nearly 70000 steps. At that rate, I'll be walking all over the place when I'm 110 years old.

Ward's Words #891

How many NFL teams are in New York City?  None, I know what you’re thinking but they both play in New Jersey.

Ward's Words #989

Every time I forget my camera I have an encounter with a yeti. Never freak 'en fails.

Ward's Words #988

My dog's so much trouble that I'm considering replacing him with a balloon animal. I just wish I hadn't started collecting pins and needles. 

Ward's Words #985

I don't know who was more surprised. My neighbor, who turned on the lights shining on his garden or the three rabbits and I who were eating in said garden’s produce. We quickly scattered into the nearby woods. 

Ward's Words #893

I quit the Black Plague Flagellants reenactment group when I found out they actually hit themselves.  I just thought they would just be gassy.  Maybe I shouldn’t have assumed they meant flatulence.  My first tip was they were missing the telltale brown skid marks on the bottoms of their white robes. 

Ward's Words #891

Boy, do disk golfers get mad when you catch their frisbees and throw them back.  I call it being a goalie.

Ward's Words #890

My new behavior modification technique for the classroom is a mister bottle.  If a child acts out, a few quick spritzes in the face acts as a deterrent.  I call it discipline, yet oddly the school code says its abuse…  I’m pretty sure they’re only guidelines, right?

Ward's Words #887

Taking a cue from the Purge movie series I think once a year we should be allowed to modify our cars, ala the Road Warrior movies, and be able to drive any way we want.

Ward's Words #885

When I was a kid my gym teachers made us wear white socks because black socks supposedly caused athletes foot.  Did we know anything in the 70’s?

Ward's Words #884

They sell these new tactical flashlights that can be seen two nautical miles away.  Great, now, during the zombie apocalypse, every time I take my lightly walk to the potty I’ll draw undead from two miles away.

Ward's Words #881

I just noticed that my vinegar has an expiration date. If vinegar is wine that has expired what does vinegar become?  Vinegar?  

Ward's Words #880

Putting your dog in a red and white, plastic ball and hurling it at some kid would get me in a lot of trouble, but put a Pokemon in there and you’re a friggen hero.

Ward's Words #878

I’m really not a holler back girl.

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Ward's Words #875

I read recently that worms were found in burgers at 2 Kentucky McDonald’s restaurants.  I guess I was lucky, cause mine only had half of a worm.

Ward's Words #874

That moment, when your at a concert and you look at the crowd and realize…  They’re all moms and dads… Grandparents…  It’s like seeing Metalica with my parents.

Ward's Words #871

Why does everyone drive so slow when you have a peeker in the pipe?

Ward's Words #869

I can tell the Ghost Hunters don't know what they're doing. There's never any mention of Scooby Snacks. 

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Ward's Words #868

If I use two half n halfs in my coffee does that make a whole?

Ward's Words #865

I knew the SS Minnow was going to have a tragic end.  It’s a baitfish after all. 

Ward's Words #863

Before eating sloppy or greasy meals, I like to take my shirt off.  I guess I figure if I get a stain on my shirt, it’s hard to remove, but I can always shower.  That’s about the same time my waitress asked me to leave.

Ward's Words #862

I thought wearing a captains hat would make me like an 80's rock star. Sadly, at this age it only makes me look like the Skipper from Gilligan's Island. 

Ward's Words #860

I cut my finger while on the beach. Ocean water, being so salty like a liquid septic stick should staunch the flow of blood. Right?

Ward's Words #858

There's no smoking on the beaches which isn't a good thing cause I sure was smoking in my new mankini. 

Ward's Words #856

Sadly, the only inheritance my family will get from me is my National Geographic collection and maybe the toenails I clipped and casually dropped behind the couch.

Ward's Words #854

I liked tunafish much better before they took the dolphin out of it.

Ward's Words #851

They appraised my house as a one bathroom even after I showed them the second bathroom behind the bush in the back yard.  

Ward's Words #850

I thought my new job as a lab monitor was going to be impressive. That's until I found out it was at a dog park. 

Ward's Words #848

I think baseball needs a fast forward button. Does everybody need a 3 minute crotch adjustment time. 

Ward's Words #846

Universal Pictures rejected my movie idea. They said 3 shade of Ward was a bit pedestrian.

Ward's Words #844

You know you're friends are all old people when most of their email contacts end in .aol

Ward's Words #842

I changed my car icon on the GPS to the race car.  I may not be living so large but my digital self is rocking it big time.  

Ward's Words #839

When buying a home, I like to research how close my new home is going to be to a nuclear power plant. I'd rather be close enough to be in the kill zone than that zone where you become some kind of weird mutant.

Ward's Words #838

How does Superman cut his hair.  Someone once suggested that he uses his heat vision but if that’s true, how does he do the back?

Ward's Words #835

My car looks nothing like the one on the GPS.  How can I tell it’s me?

Ward's Words #834

Why do we continue to let archeologists do their job. They constantly are unearthing some ancient evil. Unleashing some gargoyle or mummy on an unsuspecting populace. And when they aren't releasing some monstrous plague what did they do?  They reveal ancient history. What have we ever learned from history?  

Ward's Words #831

April and I went hiking, but while still in the car, we ate all the trail mix and because it was really salty we drank all the water.  Now, we’re overheated, tired, thirsty, and have to pee.  Where’d we park the car?

Ward's Words #829

While reading the USA Today sports page I read an article on how Joey Chestnut regained the hotdog eating crown. Since when has eating become a sport?   I’m starting a vigorous training regimen right now.

Ward's Words #827

If tryptophan makes people groggy, do zombies get sleepy after a Thanksgiving Day feast too?

Ward's Words #826

My septic tank had a huge overflow. On the plus side, my home was subsequently reclassified as lakefront.

Ward's Words #824

Velcro is a wonderful thing until you want to be stealthy. 

Ward's Words #821

I’m pretty sure George Washington was a Daywalker…  That’s right, he kept his ginger locks hidden under that powdered white wig.  

Ward's Words #819

After shearing my back hair (pelt) this year, April suggested that instead of donating the neatly trimmed strands to locks of love, we spin them into a fine wool and make mittens for our friends.

Ward's Words #818

Here I stand, a puddle of pee surrounding the urinal like a moat encircling a castle.  With each potty patron, the girth of the golden follow broadens until only the oldest and wisest can accomplish the task, or at least the one with an unrestricted prostrate.  Alas, I pee in the trash can and exit in defeat.

Ward's Words #816

It’s totally unfair for women to only have a toilet in their bathroom, so we at Ward's Woods have invented the girlinal. A urinal for the girl in all of us, so women, stand proud and pee free this 4th of July.

Ward's Words #814

Why do I lay awake, completely uncomfortable, but yet unwilling to disturb my dog who sleeps all day. He's so cute. 

Ward's Words #811

When your buying some new relaxed fit jeans for your favorite bands next concert, I believe you really need to rethink the idea of presentation. 

Ward's Words #810

Those of you with the Apple Watch, I've become obsessed with my activity rings. Most people try to close them, but I like to leave them as open as possible. I call it slug mode. 

Ward's Words #808

Is it my fault if one of our picnic goers ate from my antique mayo collection?  I think it was from my military collection; vintage Desert Storm. 

Ward's Words #805

Who in their right mind would want on of those refrigerators with the cameras inside. Sure, you can view it’s contents, but think of the pressure to keep it clean and organized.  If I were a hacker, I'd fridge shame anyone with one of those high-tech appliances.  

Ward's Words #804

They're recalling another toy for having lead in it. When I was a kid everything had lead in it. We played with lead paint covered toys while drinking out of lead glass cups. Our lead glass windows looked out over the lead factory where they slaughtered the lead animals we ate for dinner. We exercised with lead weights while sharpening our lead pencils, all the while, listening to the people who lead us as we walked 10 miles up hill through 6' of snow one way to school.  

Ward's Words #801

Willard F. Libby would’ve been a big hit on The Dating Game.  I can hear the sound of Googling fingers even now.

Ward's Words #800

If I had a friend who starred in a hemorrhoid cream commercial, every time I saw him I’d fake a concerned look on my face and say “So, how are those pesky hemorrhoids?”  

Ward's Words #798

Who would've thought clouds could hold all of our personal data and a complete rain shower to boot. 

Ward's Words #796

Pepper spray tastes terrible on tacos.  

Ward's Words #794

I hate this politically correct world. Candles that don't blow out are funny.  

Ward's Words #791

In an attempt to expand the ever changing snack food market, the fine people at Ward’s Words are about to release “Endangered Animal Crackers.”  Eat your Black Rhino cracker like it’s the last one you’ll ever have.

Ward's Words #790

My mom has perfect pitch. She doesn't sing so it only occurs when she's yelling at me but it's really nice.  

Ward's Words #786

If only having one eye makes a person lack of depth perception, what if we had a third eye?  I’ll bet we could see through walls.

Ward's Words #784

I decided what I’m going to be during the upcoming zombie apocalypse.  I’m going to be a fashion designer.  Someone has to replace those tattered and frayed rags.  Missing shoes or shirts will be matched with a fashionable replacement.  Although my clients might be a little bitey, I’m sure I can change that blood encrusted look for more stylish apocalyptic future.

Ward's Words #782

I could never dated a girl with only one “i” in her name.  I’d always picture her as the grammatical equivalent of a cyclops.

Ward's Words #780

I think we should go back to black and white TV. It'll even the playing field for everyone who’s colorblind. 

Ward's Words #778

Ok, I broke down and bought a pair of fashion jeans. You know, the kind with the holes built into them. Well, I wore them over to my mom's house and within seconds, they were patched and I was told they were now play clothes only. 

Ward's Words #776

I don't want to make fun of the fashion jeans with holes in them but how do you know when they're worn out?  

Ward's Words #774

If hotels refer to us as guests shouldn’t we stay for free?  I mean I let my guests stay for…  Wait a minute.  What kind of patsy am I?  Next Thanksgiving, my freeloading family’s getting a bill.

Ward's Words #773

I can’t wait till I’m old enough to wear cell phone holster so I can look like a gunslinger with a flip phone.

Ward's Words #770

I wish the people in Eggo commercials would learn to use both of the slots in their toaster. That way, they could toast two of their savory waffles and avoid future domestic disputes. 

Ward's Words #768

While pumping gas I always press the "Speak to attendant" button. It gets lonely standing there all by myself. 

Ward's Words #766

Where does the voice in my head come from when I read and why doesn't it sound more like Morgan Freeman. 

Ward's Words #765

Like Native Americans, I believe in using the whole animal so I'll be eating Slim Jims for every meal. 

Ward's Words #762

I can see the next hipster trend.  The return of the 8-Track Tape…  

Ward's Words #760

Being an artist sure doesn't help me with my DIY projects around the home. My Cubism plumbing, for instance, is a clog waiting to happen. 

Ward's Words #758

So many newspapers are going out of business.  What’s superman going to do when the daily planet goes under?  I fear for our country…

Ward's Words #757

I am against the cruel things farmers do when raising chicken.  To battle this gross treatment I pledge only to eat eggs.  That way I figure I’m beating them to the punch and stopping the cruelty before it starts.

Ward's Words #754

Alright. I'll admit it. Playing Jenga with railroad ties was a bad idea. Playing it where there is no cell connection was even a worse idea. 

Ward's Words #752

Why would Kryptonians invent a chamber that turns them from super beings to humans?  What purpose would it have had on their planet where they were already like humans.

Ward's Words #751

As a home designer, my greatest achievement and most crushing failure was my open concept kitchen/bathroom.  I knew I should’ve stopped at that gas station before the first open house.

Ward's Words #748

I’m going to make stainless steel sharks teeth as replacements for the elderly. I think I’m going to call them, “Dentures for the Daring.”

Ward's Words #746

People love to be trendy. I hear some say they love Johnny Cash but I never hear them listening to him. Let's start a new hipster fad and call it, “The way it really is.” He sucks in the framework of today's music. 

Ward’s Words #745

That moment when your employer is so sick of spending money on health care, of which he feels not enough employees are using, he decides to add black mold to the building.

Ward's Words #742

Seriously, I thought it was pants optional day at work today. Drat, why did it have to coincide with Aquaman Thursday.  Human resources is gonna hear about this. 

Ward's Words #741

Just when I figure out the perfect place to wedge a pack of matches so my 8 Track will play right, BAM, cassette tapes steal the market.  Wonder where you put the matches in an MP3?

Ward's Words #739

So, I’m down at the courthouse just browsing around when someone asks if she can help me.  I innocently ask where I file for a license to kill?  The next thing I know I’m paying another visit to Homeland Security.  

Ward's Words #737

Gummy Bears are so cute it’s almost possible to forget they’re made of boiled bones, skins and tendons of animals. 

Ward's Words #734

Isn’t it sweet how drug companies use cute little mascots, like a spleen to entice you to buy their products.  Hey, if my pancreas wants me to take your drugs I’ll do it.  Who cares if it causes 13 deadly side-effects and monsteritis, I don’t care.  These hangnails are driving me nuts.  I’d do anything to get rid of them.

Ward's Words #732

Tonight is Earth Hour. People around the world will be turning their lights off at 8:30 for one hour to show their awareness of climate change.  Luckily (or sadly) my wife and I will probably already be in bed. Man, are we old. 

Ward's Words #730

Some guy threatened me saying, he was gonna bust a cap in my head.  I wasn’t scared.  Caps were the 1960’s equivalent of blanks.  We used to hit them with hammers for crying out loud!  He would’ve done better throwing snap pops at me.

Ward's Words #729

The subway station reminded me of a modern kitchen. You know, with all that subway tile in it.

Ward's Words #726

I don't like a well insulated house. It muffles my screams for help when a serial killer comes a knocking. 

Ward's Words #725

When I was young I went to school to be an orthopedic surgeon. I dropped out when I learned it was hard to get your foot in the door. 

Ward's Words #722

I couldn't live with the actress who plays Carole on the Walking Dead. The first time she casually says, "Look at the flowers," I'd be so out of there. 

Ward's Words #720

So, I'm doing some research for my zombie book. You know, Googling things like, "How well do human bodies burn."  Stuff like that. Well, to make a long story short. The fine people at Homeland Security have no sense of humor.  At least they didn't tase me like last time. Then again, I was being a little salty.

Ward's Words #719

It's pretty sad when you think something is an anachronism in your childhood photo but it just turns out to be a Walkman. 

Ward's Words #717

All you people who've called me a hoarder are going to be so sorry when platform shoes make a comeback. I wonder if the goldfish are still alive. 

Ward's Words #714

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that death and breath sound so much alike.  How about a mint?

Ward's Words #713

I get officially cured of March Madness when Pitt loses.

Ward's Words #710

Sure I'm a big spender. I have so much money that I don't return the carts at Aldi. 

Ward's Words #709

Sadly, the most used app on my phone is the fart app.  I thought my smart phone would rub off on me.

Ward's Words #707

While trimming my ear hair my grooming tool’s battery died.  I only had my right ear done, so I wrapped the left one in a bandage and went to work.  It wouldn’t be so bad but I’m an art teacher, so the nickname Van Gogh kind of stuck.

Ward's Words #704

I think calling a generation “The Greatest Generation” is a bit bold.  Especially if the present generation could possibly have to deal with a Trump presidency.  They’d have to be better than great to make it through that.

Ward's Words #703

What do they do at Mc Donald's if a kid gets caught in one of there playgrounds tubes?  Do they have a long prod?  A plunger?  Or is Liquid Plumber appropriate for this situation.

Ward's Words #700

From now on I’m calling my poop, fecal matter.  Sure, it’s the same thing, but I think it makes me sound like I’m a physicist working at CERN or something.  

Ward's Words #698

While researching my family’s crest I was disappointed to find two distinct symbols prominently emblazoned on the shield.  A can of Spam and a hamster.  What kind of twisted Monte Pythonesque family did I descend from?

Ward's Words #697

If you've ever experienced one of those links that take you to a video, that then strings you along for ten minutes without telling you the information you were waiting for. We should all line up the people responsible for waisting our time and have a turn punching them in the throat. 

Ward's Words #694

I love when the snow melts away revealing the hidden jewels left behind by my dogs excrement. It's a veritable poop fiesta maybe we could make a holiday out of it.  All Scoopers Day.  

Ward's Words #692

Satellites, radar, instant communication, and yet the weather forecasters still can't figure out an accurate prediction until it's happening. Maybe we should take the prefix fore out of their names. Fore meaning before. And change it to present. They could be present casters. 

Ward's Words #690

Wiping your bum is such a guessing game. Did ya get it all?  Was my finger poking through?  That's why the good people at Ward's Words invented the rear view mirror. 

Ward's Words #688

I need to get rid of HGTV.  I’ve gutted the house and now… Aww Crap!!!

Ward's Words #687

I remember my mom setting up play dates for me with the Dahmer family just down the street.  All I remember is that he was really bitey. 

Ward's Words #685

Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez is the Obi Wan of the highlander series.

Ward's Words #682

Ok, I guess having a semi-dry basement doesn’t mean I have a Bed-&-Breakfast.  “Get back down there!  The Pop Tarts are almost done!!!”

Ward's Words #681

Remember, your homes curb appeal is only good when you try to sell it. In order to better protect your house from thieves the fine people at Ward's Words have developed a new product called curb repel. It is made from recycled corrugated cardboard and will give any home the look of a large refrigerator box. 

Ward's Words #679

I don't understand it. Charlie Brown was so infatuated with the little red haired girl but yet he never knew her name. Charlie Brown's one crappy stalker. 

Ward's Woods #676

I always start flossing a few days before I visit the dentist.  It’s a freaking bloodbath, but I think I have him fooled.

Ward's Words #675

If I told you about people playing hurt, maybe lacking teeth or bearing various scars from stitches, you’d think I was talking about a hockey game.  Alas, no, I’m referring to the last time I played bingo.  Sure, it was an old-folks home but those seniors can get pretty feisty.  

Ward's Words #672

I had my mouth swabbed for a DNA test.  They found that I was German, French, Irish, and meatloaf.  Maybe I should’ve brushed my teeth before the swabbing happened.

Ward's Words #671

With those hipster beards all the rage, I feel bad for the guys who have trouble growing even just a few chin hairs. Addressing this inequity, The fine people at Ward’s Words have created “The Neard.” Nearly a beard, The Neard is a toupee for the chin that looks really great unless you get to near. Don’t be a nerd, wear a Neard.

Ward's Words #669

When I was a child, I remember the day my father abdicated the throne for me.  I really had to go and it was number two…

Ward's Words #667

At the college I attended, the science facility had a clean room.  You’d think they’d fire their custodians.  One freak ‘en clean room.

Ward's Words #664

Why is Superman's heat vision red. He is weakened by Kryptonite which is green but emits the red rays from his home worlds sun. He gains his strength from our yellow sun which emits a white light. Did DC comics just like throwing colors in there just to confuse us?

Ward's Words #663

I should've never moved near a rifle range. Every time they start shooting I think it's the beginning of the zombie apocalypse and take steps to ensure my safety. Let's just say my neighbors are really glad I'm a terrible shot. 

Ward's Words #660

A 2007 genetic study suggested some Neanderthals may have had blond or red hair.  Neanderthals were gingers?  No wonder they met a genetic dead end.

Ward's Words #659

For all the hockey fans out there.  Not all ice resurfacer’s are of the brand Zamboni so stop just arbitrarily calling them Zambonis.

Ward's Words #656

Wouldn’t Park’n Eat be a better name for the restaurant chain? Safety first people.

Ward's Words #655

If a person in France makes toast is it called French Toast?

Ward's Words #653

You know you've been married too long when you spoon you're dog more than you're wife.

Ward's Words #650

Karate Kid memory number one. As the sensei of the Cobra Kahn dojo tells him to sweep the leg, Johnny suddenly realizes that his master is actually an evil Sith lord. 

Ward's Words #649

The next time I play the Powerball, I’m only choosing one number but using it six times.  That way, if my single number hits, I should be the big winner instead of the whiner I currently am.

Ward's Words #646

Man, that guy from the operation game had a lot of things wrong with him. 

Ward's Words #644

If you have you're deviled ham blessed, is it considered exercised and no longer deviled?

Ward's Words #643

In order to conserve calories, I pick the bananas out of my banana splits.  

Ward's Words #640

I like to go to the bank and wander around looking at stuff. Eventually, someone comes over to me and asks, "Can I help you?"  I always respond with, "No, I'm just browsing. 

Ward's Words #638

Being at the magnetic North Pole would be weird.  If you were giving directions they'd always start out with, "Go south..."

Ward's Words #636

My GPS must be in calculus class because it’s always recalculating.

Ward's Words #635

My school was so small that we actually had a one man band.