Ward's Laws #1986

Ok, it's a proven fact that older gentleman lose their butts.   The fine people at Ward's Laws are here to help. That's why we designed Butt Buddies. Butt Buddies are space age Neoprene pads shaped like youthful cheeks. Never go anywhere without your butt buddies. Women will take notice the first time you bend over to tie your shoe. Remember butt buddies always have your back.

Ward's Laws #1983

Rube Goldberg was fired from his position as a cell phone designer.  He kept insisting on using a mousetrap and a bowling ball as the power button.

I can feel the 2000th Ward's Laws, code named "Shartnado," churning deep inside me.

Ward's Laws #1982

I think the terminology used at old folks homes should be changed. Take for instance the term "walker."  Sure, lots of old farts use them to get around, but I'm not taking the fall for bashing that (potential zombie) old lady for saying "walker" so flippantly.  I think it's her fault for not clarifying her use of easily confusable terminology.  And as for little Timmy...  Suck it up, crybaby.  She was gonna pass away sometime, and yes.  I had to double tap her so we could be sure she wouldn't rise again.  I really have to stop watching the Walking Dead...

19 more Ward's Laws until Shartnado.  The pressure is building......

Ward's Laws #1980

Let me get this straight.  Twilight is a series of five movies, all about a human woman trying to choose between a vampire and a werewolf.  Can you imagine if they threw a zombie in there?  Three more movies with parts all over the place.

Ward's Laws #1978

I have to cut down on the fiber.  I think I pooped out a pinecone a few minutes ago.

Ward's Laws #1976

My first day as a kindergarten student I had to go to the bathroom, so I raised my little hand and asked for permission.  My teacher asked me if I had to go number 1 or number 2.  With an angry look on my face I snapped, "I have to drop a deuce and your asking me math questions?"

Ward's Laws #1974

Hooves on animals make me anxious.

Ward's Laws #1971

If you abbreviate United States all you have is us.

Ward's Laws #1969

U2 gave us all a free gift on iTunes. It's their new album. I thought gifts were typically things you would like?

Ward's Laws #1968

Can you imagine having gym class with that Hunger Games girl.  "It's only dodgeball for trying out loud. Why do you have to whip out the bow for every game. The nurse is out of Bandaids for crying out loud."

Ward's Laws #1965

I was President of the Industrial Arts Club in high school.  At least, that is, until I started wielding my new found powers with impunity.  I guess I shouldn’t have referred to everyone else in the club as peons, but my godlike status did require a certain measure of respect.  After my three-day rule I was promptly overthrown in a bloody coup by the rest of the club.  That’s how I became the first President of PIASA to be impeached.

Ward's Laws #1963

I don't understand the whole smartwatch thing.  They rely completely to the phone in your pocket.  How lazy are you that you'd struggle with a tiny interface when you can use the whole computer if you just reach into your pocket.

Ward's Laws #1961

Why does it seem every other month there's a super moon. Where were they when I was a kid?  I have a little theory. I believe the moon is plummeting toward earth. Probably piloted by moon maidens. We're on the verge of a full out other-worldly invasion. We're all doomed, I tell you! Doomed. There will be beautiful moon maidens all over the world  They will take us prisoner and do unfortunate things to like lock us up and ...  Hmmm. Nevermind.

Ward's Laws #1960

Now that I have a smart phone I never look at the world around me. Luckily, there's an app for that. If it weren't for Google street view I'd walk right into a telephone pole.

Ward's Laws #1958

My barber has strict orders not to show me the back of my hair.

Ward's Laws #1955

Did you ever see a house with tons of stuff outside and wander up to it thinking it was a yard sale?  That's my lawn. Get the heck off of it or I'm calling he cops.

Ward's Laws #1953

I'm baffled by the historians who study the Hatfield McCoy feud.  Dedicating their intellectual life to two family's violent argument which had no effect on our world is kind of pointless in my mind.  Well, at least they have a hobby.

Ward's Laws #1952

Back in the 70's scientists created the mood ring.  A wearable device that could interpret if a person was happy or sad.  More than 40 years later what has science brought us?  Mind-bending mental powers, or cyber enhanced psychic abilities?  No, they're still riding on the laurels of the mood ring.  Come on scientists.  You've got computers and robots, what did we have back then?  Slide rules and the Dewey Decimal system.  Even NASA went back to the rocket.  Just watch a few episodes of Star Trek so you can rip-off more ideas from the past you lazy bums.

Ward's Laws #1950

Ok, I been receiving government subsidies for my FarmVille account over the last five years. So, what's it to ya?