Ward's Words #632

Why did Casper get all bent out of shape when I refused to be his friend.  He said he was gonna cut me.  Friendly ghost my butt!!!

Ward's Words #630

I don't want to say my technology is out of date but the vehicle on my GPS is a covered wagon. 

Ward's Words #628

For my birthday, a friend of mine brought me a long silver pole. I know what you're thinking. "Aren't you afraid someone might steal such a valuable gift?"  Well, no. Luckily I have a pole vault. 

Ward's Words #628

I’m sick and tired of scooping poop.  The next dog breed I’m getting is of the cartoon variety. 

Ward's Words #625

Just when you start to get over how creepy KFC commercials are Burger King rolls out their big, plastic headed King. How cereal killer creepy is he. I'm having nightmares here people.

Ward's Words #624

Ward's Words #624  I just don't think Kentucky Fried Chicken gets it. Sure the first Colonel was way too creepy but the second is just a little less so. Hey KFC. Maybe having an old p-fashioned, southern, white cracker hawking your chicken is just a bad (creepy) idea in the 21st century.  Just saying.

Ward's Words #621

Every time I try to return my glasses to the optometrist they're closed.  It’s almost like they see me coming.

Ward's Words #619

During Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, why didn't they want Hermey to be a dentist when at the end of the show they clearly had a need for one. 

Ward's Words #618

Do you know what bothers me about Star Wars?  They're always forcing The Force on you. 

Ward's Words #615

Isn’t it odd that in the second Star Trek movie the Enterprise sent a Vulcan into a volcano to act as a volcanologist.  Does anyone else see a theme here?

Ward's Words #613

For sale, seven person touring vessel.  The boat is currently shipwrecked on a desert island.  Hole in the side, No phone, no lights no motor cars, not a single luxury.  If you like living like Robinson Crusoe, you’ll love the SS Minnow.  Pick-up only.

Ward's Words #612

My school supplied the staff with red bags full of emergency supplies and a yellow vest to wear during disaster and shooter drills.  Great idea guys.  Let’s just put a bullseye on our backs.   

Ward's Words #610

My neighbors are complaining that Legolas is not a Christmas decoration. I argue that He's an elf dammit!  Sure, maybe adding Gimli was a stretch, but at least I didn't put up the Eye of Sauron this year.

Ward's Words #608

Penguins in the North Pole.  Who’s Santa kidding.  Nice try Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  I would’ve believed it too if not for the jerky jerky movements of your claymation, stop-action story.  It reminds me a little too much of the grudge girl.

Ward's Words #605

There's a select group of Walmart clientele that makes me wonder where they hung out before the megastore opened its doors.  I don't remember ever seeing a side show like that before. 

Ward's Words #603

My wife had a stalker recently, but it’s all ok now. The police caught him. He had a shrine built to her. He must've been going through our garbage cause they found hair and even toe nails in his adoration shrine. The funny thing is, he mistook her curly locks for some of my back hair I’d shed in the fall. I just don't have the heart to tell him that at the trial. 

Ward's Words #601

I recently watched the Man V’s Food where he was in Pittsburgh.  Seriously?  We sent him to Quaker Steak and Lube and Primate’s?  Quaker Steak, where they have little dried-up wing dings.  Ok, they do have a lot of sauces but you have to admit those wing dings are embarrassing.  There are a lot of Wing places that have much better sauces as well as WHOLE WINGS!  And Primate’s…  Their small sized sandwiches totally lack flavor.  Coleslaw is not just cabbage and vinegar and fries on a sandwich is not original.  Heck, Sammy Thompson used to crush potato chips on his sandwich in 1st grade.  Was Sam a brilliant sandwich designer?  No!  I wind up picking them off most of the time anyways, so I don’t see the big deal.  We could’ve sent him to some of our fantastic eateries…  unique diners…  but we sent him to chain restaurants instead.  So embarrassing.  

Ward's Words #600

When I was young my bowels would be lulled by the gentile rocking and swaying of a nice car ride.  One time on a date I felt the pressing urge to let one rip.  I would’ve obliged myself if not for two things.  I was on a date with a really hot girl and she was actually willing to go on a date with me.  As we pulled into the parking spot at the movies I quickly told her to wait so I could open the door.  As my door closed I farted a long loud sounder.  Taking my time I strolled around the car waving my arm trying to cut off any stench that could possibly be following me.  As I reached inside the now open door I realized my mistake.  I was offering her the hand I’d been waving behind me.  My beautiful date wrinkled her nose in disgust and I knew with utmost certainty that this would be our first and last date so I did what any jilted suitor would do.  I took her to see “Ernest goes to Jail” and laughed obnoxiously the whole flick. 

Ward's Words #598

Boy, the Geek Squad guys get mad when you call them Poindexter. I guess my mistake was confusing them with nerds. Maybe next time I'll try Lewis or Booger and hopefully I won’t suffer their revenge. 

Ward's Words #596

You know you're a redneck when you get mad at a 6 year old for not being able to hold his liquor.