Ward’s Words #517

Ward’s Words, in an attempt to one up NASA found water on Uranus.  This begs the question of life being… what?  It was your anus?  You used a towel to… DAMMIT!  Never mind. 

Ward's Words #514

An iceberg sinking The Titanic is the the greatest zombie outbreak coverup story ever.

Ward's Words #513

At the beginning of Dog the Bounty Hunter is a message stating, "Don't try this at home."  I don’t get it.  Do they think I’ll try to collect a bounty on my brother or something.  Not that he jumped bail or anything.  Although, he did skip out on a grounding once.  I wonder what that would be worth?

Ward's Words #512

I was stopped in the airport and they said they had to preform a cavity search. Let's just say my dentist never looked there for a cavity. 

Ward's Words #509

Did you now you have a ballcock in your toilet?  That’s right, the guts of your toilet is called a ballcock.  I can’t write them this easy.  Wow.

Ward's Words #507

I wouldn't go down the street to Circle K with Liam Neeson.  I’d probably wind up in Istanbul sold into the flesh trade.  Well, the joke’s on them cause I lost a lot of weight.

Ward's Words #506

I started working from home a few weeks ago. Sadly, my boss hasn't noticed it yet. Maybe I should've told her.  

Ward's Words #504

The age old question when only one slice of pizza remains in the box being shared with friends.  Who gets the last slice?

Ward's Words #502

Recently a Meme started circulating, challenging one of my moms pet peeves. It says making your bed might encourage dust mites to breed. I knew leaving my bed a mess was the good and safe thing to do.  Now, if they can only debunk that brush your teeth before bed myth we can all breathe easier. 

Ward's Words #500

If someone staggers towards me with a big, red stain around their mouth, I immediately bash said person in the head. Sorry gramma.  It was really nice of your to invite me to your barbecue, but you shouldn’t really sneak up on a guy.  Don’t worry about Paps.  He was reaching for a napkin and I thought he was reaching for my brains, so he’ll be joining you in the great beyond.  Shesh, at this rate we’ll be able to have family reunions in a phone booth.  

Ward's Words #498

You know your joke writing hobby has hit a new low when you hashtag the word poop.  I think I need a new hobby.

Ward's Words #496

I read recently that peeing around the boundaries of your property keeps coyotes away.  For years, April has been trying to get me to stop but hey, I take my family’s safety seriously.  So, hand me a big glass of water and take a few steps back.

Ward's Words #494

I got poop on my shoe during my journey in the astral plane, so I guess you could say it  was really crappy.  Ok, maybe I’m taking too many liberties with the word astral, but my 3rd grade mind still thinks it’s funny.

Ward's Words #492

Why do companies that make shampoo and conditioner put them in bottles that look exactly alike?  Why is the font so small, since you’re in the shower and probably not wearing your glasses. That's why the good people at Ward’s Words started a task force to help tell what you're really picking up. Identipoo, as we like to call it, will come in two totally different looking bottles with large font, I’m thinking 100pt.  If someone steals your Identipoo you can call our Identipoo theft hotline and we can replace your loss.  

Ward's Words #489

Did you ever notice that the kid who builds the tree house isn’t, usually, the first one in it. I think they understand their lack of engineering skills and want a test subject.

Ward's Words #488

I was recently in IKEA and while visiting the bathroom noticed that it was on the wrong side.  The men's room was on the right. It felt odd, going to the wrong side.  I guess that's how it feels driving in England, on the wrong side of the road. 

Ward's Words #485

Why are the images taken with surveillance cameras so crappy.  The criminals faces are usually pixilated and distorted. The news showed one tape and it looked like the convenience store was robbed by either the Mothman or Yosemite Sam.

The #500th Ward's Words is coming up soon.

The #500th Ward's Words is coming up soon. The fine people at Ward's Words have been working around the clock on this special edition we like to call, "Sorry Gramma."

Ward's Words #483

I don't want to say I'm a hipster, but my preferred web browser is Netscape. I'll show you in a few minutes as we wait for my dial-up to make the connection. "Dammit!!!  Phone in your prescriptions some other time gramma. I need to know if the new Flavor Flav album is in the record store yet.”  

Ward’s Words #481

I decided to take some leftover mac and cheese to work for lunch today. As a last minute addition, I decided to throw in some hotdogs.  I also dropped an old fashioned, windup alarm clock for a lesson I was going to teach. Well, to make a long story short, the SWAT team successfully detonated my lunch in the late morning. 

Ward's Words #480

Isn't it odd that the lifetime network shows mainly movies that are murder mysteries.