Ward's Laws #1339

So I install this new ringtone on my cell phone. It sounds just like machine gun fire. Well, I'm standing on this street corner next to a cop when my mom calls. Lets just say the men in blue have very little sense of humor.

Ward's Laws #1338

A team from the EPA raided my home today.  They said they've been monitoring a massive hole in the ozone layer right above my home.  They also confiscated my recliner saying it was giving off unusual readings...

Ward's Laws #1335

I just know that during the Zombie Apocalypse I'll be that undead guy roaming the burned out earth in only my underwear... I hope I'm not wearing my tighty-whities the day I get bit...

Ward's Laws #1334

 So, I recently went to my pharmacist and asked him for an extra refill of my prescriptions for my Zombie bug out bag. Now I need a new pharmacist...

Ward's Laws #1333

I keep a deflated whoopee cushion on my chair so I can have a plausible excuse.

Ward's Laws #1331

What's Captain Crunch made of? Insulation?  Every time I eat it it rips the crap out of the roof of my mouth.

Ward's Laws #1330

For all the young men out there. Never try telling a woman you were an assassin in the Salvation Army. They see through that every time.

Meet Doug Ward

Ward's Laws #1328

Why is it I can go weeks without a bird pooping on my car but as soon as I wash it my vehicle becomes a poop magnet!

Ward's Laws #1324

You can tell the bank robbers who read Superman comic books.  They're the ones who stick up tellers thinking a pair of fake glasses is a good disguise.

Ward's Laws #1318

Why did our parents let us buy those tasty candy necklaces?  Didn't they understand that 9 year olds and summer heat created a colorful yet sticky sweat line around our necks. And buying them while visiting the Everglades was just plain cruel!  I still have mosquito bites from that night...

Ward's Laws #1317

Why don't ant farms have tiny tractors?

Ward's Laws #1315

I equate teenage BO to second hand smoke.  Sure stinky pits aren't banned from restaurants but they can sure clear them out.

Ward's Laws #1313

Humans shed about 30,000 and 40,000 skin cells every hour.  Couple that with about 5 hair follicles in the same time span.  And people wonder why I don't swim in public pools.  There has to be 80 people in that soup.

Ward's Laws #1312

I tried to watch an old VHS tape on my 1080p HD TV. I think I did something terrible. Gramma was all blurry and looked kind of like that girl from the ring. She moved all herky jerky and then it all went blank. Now I'm paranoid and I think I'm going to die horrible paranormal death...

Ward's Laws #1310

I wonder what the statistics are for Psychics getting in car wrecks?  

Ward's Laws #1309

Is it sad that I criticize most zombie movies over their use of chainsaws?  Come on.  They'd get awfully heavy.

Ward's Laws #1308

At my age 5 is it bad if I take 5 hour energy to inspire a power nap?

Ward's Laws #1307

Antibacterial soap makes me feel like I'm committing genocide.

Ward's Laws #1304

What are short people going to do now that phone books and catalogs are pretty much nonexistent?

Ward's Laws #1300

How many deer can you hit with your car before you have to buy a hunting license.