Ward's Words #1052

I bought a magic kit. The fact that it contained no actual magic obviously didn’t seem important to the manufacturer.

Ward's Words #1050

In Yu-Gi-Oh, why does the dark magician only have one spell?  Shouldn’t a magician of such status at least have some sort of effect?

Ward's Words #1049

I'm changing my doctor. Not because I don't like him. It's mainly because he refuses to treat my condition with bizarre experiments which may or may not turn me into a super hero/monster.  

Ward's Words #1047

You know your dream, weatherman, job sucks when the local mayor orders people to leave the hurricane’s path, but the Weather Channel orders you to stay.

Ward's Words #1045

I don’t see how cutting into healthy, pink flesh and removing the testicles through that incision is fixing anything.

Ward's Words #1243

After touring Fallingwater, I realize that Frank Lloyd Wright was an artist. His designs were beautiful but not sound as far as construction. This makes me so happy that Picasso never ventured into architecture.

Ward's Words #1240

I’m not a medical doctor, but I’ve done enough home surgery that in certain holistic situations I’m probably over-qualified.

Ward’s Words #1239

Every time I go to a marshy area and see cattails I subliminally get hungry for corndogs.

Ward's Words #1236

Why don’t women ever read the manual for their cars? Are they waiting for the movie to come out?

Ward's Words #1235

When I go to the grocery store, to get fruit, and pull off one of those little plastic bags I feel like Alexander the Great.  Only I can’t solve this Gordian Knot but cutting it.

Ward's Words #1232

Dorian Gray could never have been married. I can see it now. “I found some ugly painting in that cupboard you keep locked. What, is that your old girlfriend? I threw it out last weekend.”

Ward's Words #1230

Why is it that my puppy poops nice hard stools when he’s outside or on hard wood (accident) but if he’s on the carpet, it’s soft and runny.  I only have one carpet left, Teddy!  Grrrr

Ward's Words #1228

Yoko Ono is reported to have made an insecticide. It doesn’t kill anything but it sure does separate Beatles.

Ward's Words #1226

I’ve seen too many Final Destination movies not to look at some guy driving down the highway with a rickety, overloaded bike rack and think this is the way I go out.

Ward's Words #1225

I don’t understand packages that say, “May contain nuts.”  Shouldn’t you know if your product contains nuts?  You know all these chemicals and even how many calories it’s made up of but oops… I wonder if we put any nuts in there.  You never read, “may contain riboflavin.”  It either does or doesn’t.  I’ve been to some fast-food places that may contain meat, but nuts should be something you specifically use as an ingredient.  I think they should be even more specific.  May contain up to 3 cockroach legs… or maybe not.    

Ward's Words #1222

I’ve noticed that pedestrians are starting to get a bit cocky. The law that lets them have the right away at crosswalks is only supposed to work at said crosswalks. So, I feel any of those lawbreakers who are jaywalking should be fair game. That’s why I only buy red cars. Anyone want to go hunting… er… for a drive with me?

Ward's Words #1220

If you’re still hand-writing letters, who do you think you are? George Washington? Jeez, and I thought emails were out of date.