Ward's Words #935

Did you ever wonder why the hero always wins. We, here at Ward's Words, have isolated the reason. It's the music. Evil is always depicted with foreboding, twisted melodies while the hero rises with that inspirational score.  How can you out-box Rocky with a theme like “Eye of the Tiger.”

Ward's Words #933

If you don't believe in a grand designer then explain why turkeys come with that little plastic pop out thing that indicates when it's cooked all the way through. 

Ward's Words #932

I love turtles.  If you cook them upside down you get soup with a built-in bowl. (No actual turtles were harmed during the writing of these words.) 

Ward's Words #930

Maybe we shouldn't name our elite group of Navy soldiers, Seals. Seals are animals that are prey. Ones that are easily clubbed.  I think we should call them Cybernetic Enhanced Space Dragon Samurai.  Who in their right mind would mess with that?   

Ward's Words #928

On shows like Ghost Hunters or Ghost Adventures, when the guys catch an EVP on their handheld devices why don't we hear it? The camera filming the whole thing records sound just like their little handheld device. The camera probably has a better capacity for sound than a little handheld recorder.  Debunk that one fellas.  

Ward's Words #926

Wendy's square hamburgers disturb me.  Those meat corners peeking out of the bun represent a decent amount of hamburger real estate that bears no condiments what-so-ever.  You’re just eating plain burger at every corner.

Ward's Words #924

While watching several Let Go commercials I noticed a disturbing trend. It's never the person who owns the item who sells it. "I'm saving this for my man-cave."  The other says, “Let's sell it on Let Go." 

Ward's Words #922

I completed all of my activity rings on my Apple Watch before noon.  (I know what you’re thinking, over-achiever, right.)  Now, I’m done.  It’s the life of a slug for me.  I’m not moving from the couch for one…  Aww crap!  I left my candy bar in the kitchen.

Shower Strike 11-13–16

Shower Strike 11-13–16   My greasy body makes the tub like a slip-n-slide, but I finally manage to stabilize my position above water.  A tear forms in my eye as I look at the pretty, rainbow puddles of my oils form into grease slicks on the water's surface.  It is with a heavy heart that I drain the bath.  As I turn I notice my toothbrush sitting in it’s Buzz Lightyear holder.  I wonder, how much time I could save if I stopped brushing my teeth?

Shower Strike 11-13–16

That’s it!!!  I can’t take it anymore.  I’m washing my hands.  I knew I shouldn’t change my car’s oil in my delicate condition.

Shower Strike 11-13–16

Day five and I think I’m developing quite a nice musky scent.  Now, if I could only get rid of these cats.

Shower Strike 11-12–16

Four days into living without a shower and I can’t explain how liberating it really is.  I’m shocked at how much time I’ve freed up.  I may need to start another hobby.

Shower Strike 11-12–16

I wonder why my wife slept in the other room last night.

Shower Strike 11-11–16

Other than a feeling a bit sticky, I think my 3rd day of no showering is going really well.

Shower Strike 11-10–16

I picked the perfect time of year to end my ritualistic bathing.  Autumn.  With the windows and doors tightly sealed against the chill, what could possibly go wrong?

In honor of my new saga "Shower Strike"

In honor of my new saga "Shower Strike," I will republish my last saga "Invasion of the Gingers." "Shower Strike" actually began 1 post ago. Enjoy the daily posts pertaining to this serial like story.

Invasion of the Gingers

Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014

Aackkkk… It just dawned on me. Gingers can use hair dye. The soulless could be walking among us at this very moment. Every one of you is now suspect. Stay back all of you, back I say. Where’s my zombie/ginger whack ’en stick?

Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014

I must master my fear, for this is a time for rational thoughts. Clearer heads will prevail. I must consult those champions of normalcy, Ward’s Words.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014

The fine people at Ward’s Words (the same people who formerly brought you Ward’s Laws,) are now working on ways to identify the daylight deprived. We now conclusively know that sunblock was designed so the gingers could walk among us during the day.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014

We, at Ward’s Words (formerly the less funny Ward’s Laws,) have found an ancient tablet. After deciphering it we believe the only way to stop the living gingers is to double tap them on their bright orange noggins. Where’s my 9 iron cause it’s clobber ‘en time!!!

Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014

It was a mistake. Everyone should stop bashing the pigment challenged at your earliest convenience. The old tablet really referred to a head ginger. If we slay the first Freckula the others will revert to a nice auburn (with soft highlights with a cute pixie cut.)

Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014

The only way to slay Freckula is to expose him to the cleansing rays of our earth sun. Entering his lair, located in his parents basement, we attempt to lure the sub-human from his shadowy domain. A trail of Pop Tarts leads our quarry out to his doom.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014

Thinking flames would lick skyward from the bones and ashes of the now destroyed Frecklua, to my dismay, nothing happens. A paper white claw reaches for my hand. I react too slowly, as the ivory fingers clutch my arm. Nothing happens. Could the tablets be false? Could everything I‘ve learned be horribly wrong.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014

Generations of man have shunned the gingers. The truth has been laid before me and like a mirror, it’s reflection reveals the terrible truth. We are the real monsters. We judged the gingers clown-like appearances falsely, and succumbed to irrational fear. In shame, I walk away… my heart nearly as heavy as my pockets, full of Freckula’s lunch money.

Shower Strike 11-9–16

That’s it.  I’m done showering.  Every day, I do the same thing.  An endless repetition of wasting soap.  Well, I say, “No more!”

Ward's Words #919

Why don’t Jedi fly?  If they have such strong telekinesis powers, they could just push themselves up into the air and forward.

Ward's Words #918

What exactly is the criteria for becoming a professional hitman?  Is there a board who judges your amateur status and promotes you.

Ward's Words #915

Pollution gets a bad rap.  I mean an oil spill has such splendid rainbow colors, and smog can make some very dramatic clouds.  Sure it’s killing us but I don’t like to be a glass half full type of guy. 

Ward's Words #914

Did you ever look at the latest lego products and want to punch their makers right in the throat! When I was a kid all you could make was a square. Now, you can make a freak’ en X-Wing Fighter.  

Ward's Words #912

I just found out that alcohol actually lowers a diabetic’s blood sugar so if you see me staggering around, I’m not drunk. I'm managing my diabetes.