Ward's Words #247

I've decided I want to be a Sherpa. I want to spend my days guiding people through the mountains. The crisp untainted air, and the occasional Yeti....  Yes, an accountant is the life for me.

Ward's Words #245

Why do evil villains always shoot for Captain America’s upper body?  I’d go for his legs.  What is that shield?  Three feet at best.  Definitely, a leg shot would take him down.

Ward's Words #243

I found Star Wars very misleading. At no point was there a war between stars.

Ward's Words #241

We call it a dissection when we cut open a frog, but we use the term autopsy for us humans; or in my case murder…

Ward's Words #239

I live far enough from the nuclear power plant that I'd probably just become a mutant. With my luck a stink bug will be climbing up my arm and zap, our genetic material will be melded together. At least I'll be able to avoid crowds, or they'd avoid me.

Ward's Words #236

I don't want to say my doctor makes you wait for long spells, but his waiting room doubles as a bed and breakfast.

Ward's Words #235

Driving would be so nice if everyone else would stay off the road.

Ward's Words #232

I came across some spilled cat litter in the pet store today, and let’s just say I had to go.  They didn’t seem to buy it when I told them it wasn’t me.  I guess it could’ve been the toilet paper stuck on top...

Ward's Words #230

You know you’re in a sleazy Italian restaurant when Spaghettios are on the menu.

Ward's Words #228

I thought I was buying a historical home till I found out my new house was built with Lincoln Logs…  Talk about deceptive advertising.

Ward's Words #227

I should have known I wouldn’t get too far, when I read the owners manual for my new electric car and found out it takes 2 AA batteries.

Ward's Words #225

The only thing I don't like about crumb cake is the crumbs.

Ward's Words #221

Never channel a demon to get rid of a ghost.  You’ll wind up with a porthole to hell.  Luckily, mine is in my toilet so goodbye septic tank woes…

Ward's Words #219

I wonder if big people have to pay more for tattoos?  There’s more area to cover.

Ward's Words #218

There’s something about older women.  Maybe it’s that subtle hint of Ben Gay wafting in their path, I don’t know.…

Ward's Words #215

When I retire, I’m going to move to some third-world country and live like a king.  While swimming in a sea of nickels and pennies, I’ll lord my vast wealth over the peasant population, forcing them to worship me as a god as they assemble my army of Monkeybots.  The world will shake as their giant iron feet march forward, taking my revenge on mankind.

Ward's Words #213

I started a new art movement. I think it's real catching on. In my movement paint is applied with various digits. Most of the people joining it are very young. I call it finger painting.

Ward's Words #212

I think cable TV should take a tip from Youtube, and add a skip button to commercials.  We could get back to Amish Mafia in five seconds.

Ward's Words #210

If congress wants people to spend more cash I suggest they get rid of those stuffy old founding fathers, who currently occupy the central spot on our money and replace them with celebrities.  Think about it.  Who wouldn’t want to rush out and drop a few Honey Boo Boos on a new trailer home?  Or maybe after getting your hair cut slipping the stylist an extra Snookie or two.  I even think it would lead to a new generation of people who collect coins.  Who could resist hanging on to the coin set of Brad and Angelina’s wedding or the penny commemorating the time Fox News actually told the news.  Let’s even mint a Paris Hilton billion dollar bill.  Sure it’d completely useless, but you get my point.

Ward's Words #208

I always felt Milton Bradley’s board game called life was a bit too risky for a clumsy guy like me.

Ward's Words #207

I’m lucky I have a dog.  That way I have something to blame my shedding season on.

Ward's Words #205

Does anyone else find it funny that Jefferson Davis and Abraham Lincoln look alike?  They were even born in the same state.

Ward's Words #202

I know why ancient civilizations died out. They spent decades building dirt piles to the dead and the smart ones just got up and walked away.

Ward's Words #200

I think Bigfoot is jerking us around. I think he’s wearing a huge gorilla suit and timing his visits for when we aren't quite ready for a clear video taping.  That way it looks like some kind of hoax.