Ward's Words #1184

I just got my home insurance upgraded to cover zombie apocalypse damage. When the undead rise, I’ll be able to breath easy knowing I have full replacement of my house and belongings.

Ward's Words #1183

I never saw the redundancy of a jigsaw puzzle depicting jigsaws until the final piece was in place.

Ward's Words #1181

I could never make it as a fish. You're floating with some friends sharing some deep thoughts when one of the guys pinches off a deuce, my eyes getting wider as it bobs closer to me.

Ward's Words #1178

What happened to 80's music. First, it was replaced by whiners in ugly sweaters. Then, pop crap music. Now, we have auto-tuned no talent hacks. I need a good Hair Band right now.

Ward's Words #1177

While taking Teddy to the groomers, I had an idea. I could get April’s hair trimmed, nails done, teeth brushed, and a bath for under $50. They’ll even express her anal glands to boot. Goodbye beauty parlor.

Ward's Words #1175

The mechanic said that it would cost $1200 to fix my car’s air conditioner.  I left with a plan.  My new $200 window unit does come with limitations.  I can only drive 250’ without it unplugging.  

Ward's Words #1173

Today, I finally released my Pet Rock ™ back into its natural habitat. After 37 years of keeping him as my pet, I decided he should live, free, with his own kind. At first, he was shy, and I didn’t think his new driveway (that’s what a “pack” or group of Pet Rocks ™ is called) would accept him. All was going well. It was as if they didn’t even notice him until I saw that his googly eyes were gone. Having shed his human adornments he was now fully one with the driveway. The circle of life…

Ward's Words #1171

I'd imagine that those hotdog eating competitions are a full-contact sport.

Ward's Words #1168

Men talk about stage fright when peeing.  Well, I don’t know where they’re tinkling, but I try to refrain from peeing while on stage, let alone, in front of a crowd.  

Ward's Words #1166

I saw a pregnancy test in the Dollar Store. It had two settings. Positive and not so sure.

Ward's Words #1164

Wow, a yard sale with several Vera Bradley purses… I’m sure they can’t be knock-offs.

Ward's Woods #1163

You know, we had ball bearings when I was a kid (50 some odd years ago.) We just didn’t obsess on them and call then Fidget Spinners.

Ward's Words #1160

Whatever happened to Old Zealand?

Ward's Words #1158

Kids, you have HD video games with 3D Oculus headsets that make the player feel like they are actually in the game and yet today's youth are fascinated by a Fidget Spinner. It’s a 55 cent ball bearing for crying out loud! We had them 50 years ago and it still didn’t impress us.

Ward's Words #1157

Why do puppies feel it's necessary to always play with their toys on the edge of the couch?

Ward's Words #1155

I should have never moved into that bouncy house. Now I'm afraid of every stiff breeze.