Ward's Words #851

They appraised my house as a one bathroom even after I showed them the second bathroom behind the bush in the back yard.  

Ward's Words #850

I thought my new job as a lab monitor was going to be impressive. That's until I found out it was at a dog park. 

Ward's Words #848

I think baseball needs a fast forward button. Does everybody need a 3 minute crotch adjustment time. 

Ward's Words #846

Universal Pictures rejected my movie idea. They said 3 shade of Ward was a bit pedestrian.

Ward's Words #844

You know you're friends are all old people when most of their email contacts end in .aol

Ward's Words #842

I changed my car icon on the GPS to the race car.  I may not be living so large but my digital self is rocking it big time.  

Ward's Words #839

When buying a home, I like to research how close my new home is going to be to a nuclear power plant. I'd rather be close enough to be in the kill zone than that zone where you become some kind of weird mutant.

Ward's Words #838

How does Superman cut his hair.  Someone once suggested that he uses his heat vision but if that’s true, how does he do the back?

Ward's Words #835

My car looks nothing like the one on the GPS.  How can I tell it’s me?

Ward's Words #834

Why do we continue to let archeologists do their job. They constantly are unearthing some ancient evil. Unleashing some gargoyle or mummy on an unsuspecting populace. And when they aren't releasing some monstrous plague what did they do?  They reveal ancient history. What have we ever learned from history?  

Ward's Words #831

April and I went hiking, but while still in the car, we ate all the trail mix and because it was really salty we drank all the water.  Now, we’re overheated, tired, thirsty, and have to pee.  Where’d we park the car?

Ward's Words #829

While reading the USA Today sports page I read an article on how Joey Chestnut regained the hotdog eating crown. Since when has eating become a sport?   I’m starting a vigorous training regimen right now.

Ward's Words #827

If tryptophan makes people groggy, do zombies get sleepy after a Thanksgiving Day feast too?