Ward's Laws #1947

A pocket protector doesn't make you a nerd.  It's the slide rule and the things you bling it out with that does.

Ward's Laws #1945

Does anyone know if Febreze can cover the stench of a corpse?  I mean a body in full putrefaction?  Not that I have one here mind you. I'm just thinking ahead...  Ummm... Wondering.  That's it.  I'm just...  Never mind.

Ward's Laws #1943

Bumper pool is the disappointing answer to a small room.

Ward's Laws #1941

My dog is blind.  I believe he thinks I'm a god.  Three times a day I make food appear.  I also make his poop disappear but I don't think he understands that one.

Ward's Laws #1939

My friend Dave didn't go outside a lot. He kept his house really cold in the winter to save on gas prices so I gave him a house plant as a present. That way he could see the change of seasons indoors.

Ward's Laws #1938

Do women ever get stage freight?  In the bathroom, I mean.

Ward's Laws #1936

My dental hygienist was awarded one of the best in her job. She was a little disappointed though. She only got plaque.

Ward's Laws #1934

Forget that old ice bucket challenge.  The new rage to finance aloe research is the scalding bucket challenge.  Get some boiling water and... what?  I was just informed by the Ward's Laws legal team that the last message is now officially retracted.  I wish they would have told me earlier, ouch!

Ward's Laws #1932

Bathroom attendants creep me out.  Isn't there a skill said individual possess that could be used rather than handing someone a paper towel.  No, I don't want a mint.  I'm in a bathroom for crying out loud!

Ward's Laws #1930

I was going to grow my sideburns way out so they would resemble hawk wings, but I was scared a stiff breeze might carry me high in the air.  Being afraid of heights, I quickly shaved the side burns off.

Ward's Laws #1928

I watched the movie "The Purge" only to find out that it had nothing to do with high fiber cereal.

Ward's Laws #1925

So, I'm out shopping for a new fanny pack and I see some guy wearing acid washed jeans.  Man, some people hold on to styles a little too long, don't ya think?

Ward's Laws #1924

I hate hotel newspapers. People's grimy fingers smudging the nice fresh ink, I just know they already read all the good stories. Damn USA Today and its lack of comics. I wonder if we should call yesterday's edition USA Yesterday?

Ward's Laws #1921

I remember when trolls were ugly, naked plastic toys with wild hair.

Ward's Laws #1920

So, I buy a set of scrubs to wear grocery shopping, thinking people will be so impressed.  Well, the geezer in front of me decides to have a heart attack and I start screaming for a doctor.  Everyone is just looking at me, confused.  Then it dawns on me that they think I'm a doctor so I immediately call up the only medical memories I have.  That's right, the stout, Moe Howard looking guy from the board game Operation.  Let's just say the guy pulled through but was minus his funny bone and those pesky butterflies in his stomach.

Ward's Laws #1917

I remember when transactions at stores were as fast as punching in a few numbers on the cash register. But now that they steal your identity with their reward card deceptions, buying a new pair of underwear takes hours.

Ward's Laws #1916

Yeah. I'm that kinda guy. A rebel. Real trouble. Outside food in the Cinema kind of bad.

Ward's Laws #1914

I'll bet bears think humans are the most fragile creatures. Every time they see the silly human drops dead. Of apparently nothing.

Ward's Laws #1912

I've had a case of bottled water in my basement for a few years and I think it's a little past it's expiration date.  Ok, the Sea-Monkeys have evolved enough to have jet skis.

Ward's Laws #1909

I just got a tattoo I think it's called a tramp stamp. It's really a temporary tattoo just in case I don't like the life style that goes with it. Oops... I dropped my car keys again. Now I better bend way over and slowly pick them up.

Ward's Laws #1907

Why do they fold men's dress shirts with a myriad of pins in them?  Cardboard and plastic, with a layer of tissue paper, you know I'm taking one apart so I can try it on.  Why not skip all the packaging and put them on a hanger or do they like to watch me stab myself?

Ward's Laws #1906

I find people wearing shorts and hoodies confusing.