Ward's Words #1152

My choice as an art medium is oil paint. So I guess you really could say that I think it's exciting watching paint dry.

Ward's Words #1151

We wanted to build an accent wall but couldn't decide between Swedish or French so now we’re just building a wall.

Ward's Words #1148

I'm such a comic fanboy that when attending a baseball game I get excited when I see the batboy thinking he might be a young Bruce Wayne.

Ward's Words #1147

My boss saw how torn up I am right now and asked me if I was in a Fight Club or something. I smiled and explained that I have a new puppy.

Ward's Words #1145

My high school gym teacher made me join the track team. I was kind of like the batboy. My official position was javelin catcher.

Ward's Words #1143

My new Amish cellular carrier isn’t so bad. But if one end of the string comes out of your can, tech support can be a struggle.

Ward's Words #1140

Doesn't the Mona Lisa look like a Renaissance school picture? Her hands in her lap with her head turned just so. I remember that string they used to get our chin in just the right place.

Ward's Words #1138

There was Batman, then Batgirl, Bat-hound, the Batmobile, the Batarang. So where'd Robin come in? What a lame bird to be named after. He couldn't be Eagle-Lad. Or even The Predator. No, he's a robin. Look, it must be spring, cause here's Robin. How emasculating!

Ward's Words #1137

The pizza industry announced that they will be cutting corners by making round boxes.

Ward’s Words #1134

Who came up with the concept of hollow core interior doors? Why not use curtains for all the good it will do during the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

Ward's Words #1133

Why is it that the ears of a chocolate rabbit are the first to be devoured but you never eat the ears from a real rabbit.  At least, not first.

Ward's Words #1131

I hate to go to the movies. Sitting in a packed room breathing the same air that everyone else is breathing just seems unsanitary.

Ward's Words #1128

When I was younger, I liked to date Dutch girls. I had this illusion that I'd only have to pay for myself.

Ward's Words #1126

If your understanding of how our legislative process works came from SchoolHouse Rock… You didn’t pay enough attention in school.

Ward's Words #1124

I don't like Chipotle. What kind of respectable Mexican place doesn't have jalapeño peppers?

Ward's Words #1123

Why do baseball coaches wear uniforms? It's not like in a pinch they're going to play. You don't see Mike Tomlin, the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers, in shoulder pads.

Ward's Words #1121

In an effort to compete with the world’s most expensive coffee, we, at Ward’s Words, are trying to copy the process that the Kopi luwak use. Over the last 24 hours, I’ve been eating coffee cherries and dedicating the processed beans. We’re fairly certain the unique nutty taste will appeal to the most refined hipster.

Ward's Words #1118

Why is Superman muscular? If you can naturally lift an entire island, what could you possibly use for strength training?

Ward's Words #1116

I really hate filling out my birth date online. They use that thing that makes you scroll through the years. All 54 of them. It takes about an hour to get to 1963.

Ward's Words #1114

Let me get this straight, Superman is an alien to our world, yet he can drink the water in Kansas without suffering Montezuma’s Revenge. I, on the other hand, can’t take one sip from across the Rio Grand. So, now he’s immune from parasites, bacteria, etc…?