Ward's Words #556

The life of a politician. Part-time worker with full-time benefits and pay. 

Ward's Words #554

Michael Meyer’s sister must be pretty dense.  She always hangs out in her home town during Halloween?  Why not get in a car and drive away?  As slow as Michael walks, a bicycle would even be fast enough to keep ahead of him.

Ward's Words #553

While walking through the grocery store yesterday I noticed organic tomatoes cost more than regular tomatoes.  If the definition of organic is, “of, relating to, or derived from living matter” aren’t all tomatoes organic? 

Ward's Words #550

That’s it.  Instead of going green, I’m foregoing green.  That’s right, I’m going to stop eating all fruits and vegetables.  Do you know where they grow?  In the dirt, under the unsanitary sky, where any insect or dirty animal can do anything they want to them.  And even worse, we intentionally put poop on them.  I’m telling you the truth, manure is poop.  I’m foregoing green to eat safer food.  Food manufactured in spotlessly clean laboratories, untouched by human hands.  Who could say no to a nice bowl full of poop free riboflavin?  

Ward's Words #548

Why do caramel apples exist?  We just eat the caramel and throw apple away when we’re done.  The apple is simply the vehicle that transports the caramel to our mouth.  I think we should forgo green and leave the nasty apple out of the equation.

Ward's Words #547

Milk Duds is an example of a good product with a bad name.  I never eat anything called a dud.

Wards Words #545

Odorless Ben Gay makes me feel better while not making me smell like an old man.  Not that the wrinkles and gray hair aren't a dead give-away?  

Ward's Words #542

The best thing about the zombie apocalypse is no baths.  HEY!!!  I went swimming two days ago.  That aught to hold me for at least another day.

Ward's Words #541

I like to drive at night with my lights off. I call it stealth mode. Sure I do have a slight collision problem, but I just can't get past how cool it is calling it stealth mode. 

Ward's Words #538

Why waste time on awful tasting energy drinks in the morning. For your next breakfast meal eat chocolate. Get your caffeine the great tasting way.

Ward's Words #336

With all of the mermaids in the ocean you’d think it would be tidier.  

Ward's Words #534

I wish Nick Fury would leave me alone.  I’m not joining the Avengers.  I’m already in a group.  We call ourselves the Surrenders.  We’re not so much heroes, but we do give up quickly.

Ward's Words #532

I love it when guys, who are watching a movie about a man who gains super powers from being hit by a radioactive spider, complain of something not being real enough.

Ward's Words #531

I like to leave my grass long.  It’s not because I’m lazy and don’t want to cut it.  It’s because I love the thrill of tiptoeing through the poop minefield while cleaning up after my dog.

No Ward's Words tonight. Instead, I have a short story on my friend's blog.

Click here for the website.

Ward's Words #528

The new Energizer batteries use 4% recycled batteries. I wonder how much energy it takes to recycle them. I guess 4% really doesn't impress me. Would you eat a hamburger with 4% recycled meat. Ok, maybe that was a bad example, but can you see where we are going. I mean, how many people are duped by their claim of recycling.

Ward's Words #527

I don’t understand why people say, “Have fun,” when they hear I’m going on a vacation.  Didn’t they think that thought had already occurred to me.  “Oh, I never thought of that.  I could combine my vacation with some fun.”

Ward's Words #524

I find it very rude to have a conversation while driving. The whole time you're having a discussion, the people in the front seat have their backs to the passengers in the rear. They have to talk to the back of your head. It's totally unacceptable. The good people at Ward's Words have changed all that. We reversed the front seat to facilitate better discussions. Sure, it does make it harder to drive, but that's what cruise control is for, right. 

Ward's Words #523

I'll never do EVP's in my house again. All I could hear was lots of paranormal laughing sounds. It wouldn't be as disturbing if I wasn't in the bathroom at the time. 

Ward's Words #521

If Christians want to weaken Satan’s demons hold on our world why would we exercise them?  Doesn’t that make them stronger?

Ward's Words #518

I’m trying to figure out why cats want to live with humans.  We seem to be such an inconvenience to them.