Ward's Words #478

There is only one public place where you are free to sneeze freely. The salad bar. Thank you plastic sneeze shield. 

Ward's Words #476

Ward's Words #476 Why do I always win when I play chess against myself? I'm either freak 'en amazing or a really good cheater.

Ward's Words #474

As part of my dinner I had some organic tomatoes. I can’t say they weren’t really good but I missed the spicy taste of the steroids and that zest of unwashed pesticides. 

Ward's Words #472

I love looking at classic cars. You can tell the true oldsters who own them by the matchbook jammed under the 8-track in the player. 

Ward's Words #469

Ladies, if instead removing your toenail polish you let them grow out, you're lazy. At some point they start to look like candy corn after a while which can be quite seasonal at the right time of year.

Ward's Words #467

Ladies.  If instead removing your toenail polish you let them grow out, you're lazy.  At some point they start to look like candy corn,  which can be quite seasonal at the right time of year. 

Ward's Words #465

The fine people at Ward’s Words came up with a reboot version of where's Waldo.  We call it, “Lenny Jumped Bail.”  You have to find the felon on the lamb, who’s wearing a classic black and white striped prisoner suit.  

Ward's Words #463

What would we do if everyone in the world had the urge to poop all at the same moment? Would it be women and children first?  Would it would be like the titanic, with not enough lifeboats, or in this case toilets? I can see the band guys playing their instruments as they shat themselves above deck. 

Ward's Words #461

I don't like things that are camouflage. I set it down in the woods and poof it's gone. I wouldn’t have been so concerned if it wasn’t my compass.

Ward's Words #460

The house I grew up in was very Darwinesque. Our mom would chase us out, first thing in the morning, and lock the doors.  She never thought for a minute that we had no water and no toilet, but I guess those things go hand in hand.  We’d eat what we found in the woods.  It was a real world survival of the fittest situation, but why did I always have to sample the berries first? 

Ward's Words #458

My scented candle business just went belly up. I knew I was ahead of my time when I invented the fart scented bathroom candle.

Ward's Words #457

If I consume an energy drink I nearly have a heart attack.  Kids now-a-days drink them and take a nap.  Take that if you don’t think we are evolving.

Ward's Words #454

Does anyone else think that Sunnydale High School had an extraordinary large collection of books on the occult?  I'll bet they banned Slaughterhouse Five though.

Ward's Words #453

I think smoke from a campfire, trickling through the branches of nearby trees, just seems a little bit cruel.

Ward's Words #451

When the dwarves first met Bilbo, they sang a song about their trip to the Misty Mountains.  What the crap.  They knew the whole journey from the start? 

Ward's Words #449

I don't think scented candles in the bathroom are such a good idea. A closed in area, where you are encouraged to break wind, is no place to put an open flame. 

Ward's Words #446

Styrofoam is a trade name.  The actual material is polystyrene. So, one could say all Styrofoam is polystyrene, but not all polystyrene is Styrofoam. 

Ward's Words #445

Does anyone else get infuriated by those commercials where people owe $300.000 dollars in taxes and they pay $3000?  How is that fair?

Ward's Words #443

I hate websites that use a slideshow format for their content. I like to send them feedback in in the form of another slideshow. They never get past the third slide before giving up. 

Ward's Words #440

I don't trust the hospital my niece was born in. She spent her first full day sleeping. When I suggested to the doctor that she might have narcapoloepsy, he just laughed and walked away.  Didn’t even test her.  

Ward's Words #439

If everyone doesn’t believe in zombies, then why do we bury our dead 6 feet underground?  If we weren’t so sure they’d raise from the grave you’d think a foot or two would do.

Ward's Words #437

I told my wife that I want to stop my snacking habit.  So now, every time I reach for a moon pie, she spritzed me in the face with a mister bottle. At least it beats the time I told her I wanted to stop singing. Those electronic bark collars really weren't meant for the shower. 

Ward’s Words #435

I was watching Mountain Men for the first time.  The guy had a bundle of sticks and was in trouble due to snow and the cold.  He said he would die after maybe two more days unless he found some wood.  I had to laugh.  Maybe the cameraman could help out cause I’m sure he isn’t risking his life.

Ward's Words #433

It is said it takes 1 million years for a plastic jug to decompose in the environment.  And we know this because someone actually sat and watched one for a million years?