Ward's Words #108

I don't trust people who have air fresheners in their cars. It makes me wonder what's decomposing in their trunk that they're so afraid of someone discovering.

Ward's Words #107

I tried a new pheromone based cologne.  I didn’t know the maker actually used avian pheromones until I got to the penguin section.  Let’s just say I’m not allowed to go back to the zoo, ever.

Ward's Words #105

If the lottery gave prize money for completely avoiding any correct numbers I’d be a millionaire many times over.

Ward's Words #101

I like going to a new Walmart when the set-up is backwards.  You know, the foods are to the left and the home goods are to the right.  It’s like being on a European vacation.  Cruising isles on the opposite side.  I’ll bet if you flush the toilets the water would spin in the opposite direction.  It’s pure magic.

Ward's Words #100

I applied for a new, job but they wouldn’t accept my diploma from Hogwarts.  It’s not like Stark Industry will amount to anything anyway.

Ward's Words #99

My family wouldn't let me listen to the Partridge Family cause their hippy freak looks and hypnotic hard rock was sure to poison my mind.

Ward's Words #97

I wonder if Hasheem Thabeet looks up to his parents? 

Ward's Words #95

It’s kind of freaky to google search yourself and look at the pictures of others with your name.  What a menagerie of freaks.  I’m the pretty one and shall be their god someday!

Ward's Words #93

I'm all about supporting my wife in whatever she wants to do, but why does it have to be world dominance. Now, I have a basement full of mutant warriors and they drank all of my 7 Up.  I thought I was the only one on the planet who likes that stuff, but apparently mutants love it too.  Did I mention I have a septic tank...

Ward's Words #91

It isn't that the idea of a Sistine Chapel paint by numbers seems kind of wrong.  It's the fact that you have to lay on your back to paint it that makes it so awkward.

Ward's Words #90

I'm not saying the college I went to was bad.  I'm just saying that Jenga is not an acceptable part of an engineering curriculum.

Ward's Words #87

If you checked your AOL account today, admit it, you’re seriously old… and probably living under a rock.  With dial-up and a Hotmail account.

Ward's Words #86

What kind of communist wants BBQ pizza?  Isn't pepperoni good enough for you hipsters?

Ward's Words #84

My brilliant plan to become the invisible man really took a hit when I found out vanishing cream doesn't measure up to what it's name implies.  It said apply directly to skin so not only was I cold but now I’m naked on YouTube…

Ward's Words #82

The animal protection league is pressing charges against me because I haven't fed my Giga Pet since I lost interest in it in 1997.  I knew a virtual pet was way too much responsibility for me.

Ward's Words #79

I think playing the board game Operation would go a lot better if they gave the patient some anesthetic. Poor guys awake during the whole thing.

Ward's Words #78

I don’t understand why we don't build our homes out of Lego.  Really big Lego.  Additions would be easy to DIY and let’s not mention the insulation value of plastic…

Ward's Words #76

Why are the guys in the Lollipop Guild so angry?  Just sing along and remember… “We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild.”

Ward's Words #74

I was asked about my family tree.  I”m not an ent, I’m a human.  My ancestors swung from trees, we didn't grow among them.  So leaf me alone.

Ward's Words #72

A friend of mine said he wanted me to experience spelunking. If I would have known it was risking my life in some damp, dark cave I would've said no. I thought It was some nice Polish food or something.

Ward's Words #69

My dad used to cut my hair when I was 15 years old.  I didn’t have a girlfriend that whole year…  Coincidence?

Ward's Words #68

I opened my box of cereal from the bottom so now I have to eat it for dinner.

Ward's Words #65

I think I’m starting to fit in at school.  Recently I started to sit at the cool kid table.  I like when they joke with me.  They usually say, “What are you doing sitting here, runt!”  They’re so funny…

Ward's Words #63

My dad really liked James Bond so he dressed me in a leisure suit and sent me to school.  The girls in my class didn’t take notice but the lunch ladies sure had eyes for me.

Ward's Words #61

I wonder if Neil Degrasse Tyson was one of the cool kids?  He had that triple name thing that all the popular guys from the 80’s had.

Ward's Words #59

Last year, I had such a poor corn crop, so this year I'm taking a tip from our Native American friends. When I plant my candy corn I'm going to bury a Swedish fish under it.  That was an early form of fertilizer.

Ward's Words #57

My t-shirt is made with that moisture wicking material.  It's really nice. The fabric takes any perspiration and pulls it away from my body.  Unfortunately the sweater I'm wearing on top is totally drenched.

Ward's Words #54

Do we have people who clean the nuclear missiles buried deep in their bunkers, or do we have a service. Kinda like Molly Maid. Wouldn’t they get kind of dusty?

Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014

Generations of man have shunned the gingers.  The truth has been laid before me and like a mirror, it’s reflect reveals the terrible truth.  We are the real monsters.  We judged the gingers clown-like appearances falsely, and succumbed to irrational fear.  In shame I walk away…  Heart nearly as heavy as my pockets, full of Freckula’s lunch money.  

Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014

Thinking flames would lick skyward from the bones and ashes of the now destroyed Frecklua, to my dismay, nothing happens.  A paper white claw reaches for my hand.  I react too slowly, as the fingers clutch my arm.  Nothing happens.  Could the tablets be wrong?  Could everything I have been taught be horribly wrong.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014

The only way to slay Freckula is to expose him to the cleansing rays of our earth sun.  Entering his lair, located in his parents basement, we attempt to lure the sub-human from his shadowy lair.  A trail of Pop Tarts lead our quarry out to his doom.  

Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014

It was a mistake.  Everyone should stop bashing the pigment challenged at your earliest convenience.  The old tablet really referred to a head ginger.  If we slay the first Freckula the others will revert to a nice auburn (with soft highlights and a cute pixie cut.)  

Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014

We, at Ward’s Words (formerly the less funny Ward’s Laws,) have found an ancient tablet.  After deciphering it, we believe the only way to stop the living gingers is to double tap them on their bright orange noggins.  Where’s my 9 iron cause it’s clobber ‘en time!!!

Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014 Part 3

The fine people at Ward’s Words (the same people who formerly brought you Ward’s Laws,) are now working on ways to identify the daylight deprived.  We now conclusively know that sunblock was designed so the gingers could walk among us during the day.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014

I must master my fear, for this is a time for rational thoughts.  Clearer heads will prevail.  I must consult those champions of normalcy, Ward’s Words.

Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014

Aackkkk  It just dawned on me.  Gingers can use hair dye.  The soulless could be walking among us at this very moment.  Every one of you is now suspect.  Stay back all of you, back I say.  Where’s my zombie whack ’en stick?

Ward's Words #53

Dr. Frankenstein was the only guy in his whole village with electricity.  And he wonders why they formed a mob and stormed his castle.

Ward's Words #50

Has anyone ever seen Jared Leto turn his head while he's on he red carpet. It creeps me out that he's always facing forward.

Ward's Words #49

I’m sure glad Virginia thought of the monicker “Virginia is for lovers” before Pennsylvania did.  “PA is for lovers,” just sounds wrong…

Ward's Words #47

I always felt werewolves were the lesser of monster kind.  Any beast that can be killed by a silver butter knife is a tad nonthreatening don’t you think?

Ward's Words #44

Vegas will bet on anything.  They have odds on my credit score and the problem is that I’m the underdog.  +7, That's the best you can do?

Ward's Words #43

Did you ever look back at the line of traffic behind you and wonder if someone back there has to poop really badly?  You guessed it.  That's when I like to slow down.

Ward's Words #40

Why does he US Post Office advertise?  It's not like you can buy stamps anywhere else. Ok, you can get them elsewhere, but they still get the money for the sale. They even have a box right there in your front yard!

Ward's Words #38

I know why movie theaters offer discounts to senior citizens on Monday's. It's so no one gets alarmed by the trucks transporting the bodies to the Soylent Green processing plants.

Ward's Words #36

While talking to a young woman at a bar I quickly found out my definition of a Dungeon Master was completely different than hers. That's the last time I try to impress anyone with my lofty titles.

Ward's Words #33

Disney, in an undisguised money grab, is making Toy Story 4.  Come on, Toy Story 3 brought Andy's toys full circle.  I openly balled my eyes out for at least 5 minutes and sobbed for a few more. The third installment was the perfect ending. Making one more is nothing but greed...  What?  They're going to sell collector glasses at McDonalds...  Never mind.

Ward's Words #33

I'm thinking of changing up my tooth brushing routine. My dentist suggests twice a day but being the rebel I am I'm thinking twice a month. Think of the toothpaste I'll be saving.

Ward's Words #31

I bought a juicer because I wanted to get more fruits and vegetables in me, but am too lazy to have to chew them with my own teeth.  That’s really what they’re for, right?

Ward's Words #29

When a kid in my neighborhood got chicken pox the mothers had us all play with the sick child so we could all get over it at once.  When Timmy, down the block, got Ebola…

Ward's Words #26

I don’t think of my septic tank leaking on my neighbors lawn as a bad thing.  I think of it as if I’m a very inexpensive lawn service.  His grass is usually green and luxurious until February.

Ward's Words #25

Batman, one of the coolest super Heroes ever.  Batman, the worst rogues gallery ever.  A penguin man.  Throw him a colored ball to balance on his nose and he’s done.  A scare crow?  A riddle guy?  And don’t start with Bane.  Pull the rubber hoses out and he shrivels up like a snail eating salt.  All-in-all, the worst reoccurring villains ever.

Ward's Laws #23

Maybe I watch too many horror movies but if you're thinking about buying a house with an old fashioned water well out back, you're really buying a porthole to hell.

Ward's Words #21

There's a job title called a gender specialist?  Really?

Ward's Words #19

Why don't you ever see Aquaman calling for help from a school of guppies?

Ward's Words #17

Why does everyone have the compulsion to tell you the end of the movie they just watched?

Ward's Words #15

I'm thinking about calling in some paranormal investigators cause there was this gaseous form in my bathroom the other day.

Ward's Words #13

Why do men buy active wear clothes just to lounge around in?  Are they trying to fool someone, because I know you weren't about to go to the gym.

Ward's Words #9

I found a unique way to recycle used tires.  Cut them up use them for fuel for your grill.  You can cook out for three weeks on one chunk but your meat will have a distinct petroleum taste.  At least you wont be polluting.  Darn, black smoke got in my eye again!  BLAST IT!!!

Ward's Words #7

I bought a Fitbit so I could record my fitness activities, but mostly so I could monitor how well I sleep. I found out I pee 37 times each night, but I do get 73 great, interrupted minutes of sleep each night.

Ward's Words #6

I think Pete Townshend needed a math class. One and one make two you burned out musician.

Ward's Words #3

A experimental drug called ZMapp is being used with Ebola patients. Why does this sounds exactly like every Zombie apocalypse movie I've ever seen.

Ward's Words #2

If Salvador Dali was a medieval knight he would be called Sir Real.

Ward's Laws #2000

As men age our butts disappear.  No one knows exactly why, but our gluts just seem to erode away.  Strangely, I noticed the other day that my farts are now in a totally different octave.  The pure, crisp notes I use to expel in my youth have become mature bass sound befitting my age.  I find myself wondering if I can manipulate my cheeks in just the right way...  Taking both halves in hand I furiously ply varying pressures to my buttocks attempting to play the "William Tell Overture."   The pace quickens as the tempo builds.  Sweat and a high-fat diet ultimately lead to my demise.  I lost my grip on both my cheek and my concentration and the resulting explosion can only be called a shartnado.

Ward's Laws #1999

I'm going to be the invisible man for Halloween. My costume consists of telling people to close their eyes and asking them if they can see me.

Ward's Laws #1997

Who are we kidding.  There are no man-made lakes.  I mean, if we dig out an area we have a hole, the water makes the lake.

Ward's Laws #1995

Who in their right mind would buy their kid a sandbox?  Great idea, let little Timmy play in a giant outdoor litter box.

Ward's Laws #1992

You know those kids with such a poor immune system that they have to live inside a bubble.  How do they get fresh clothes in there?

Ward's Laws #1990

Women should be careful with personalized license plates. TNKRBLL would be just fine if your husband didn't borrow your purple car every once in a while.

Ward's Laws #1988

My new invention is the shoet (pronounced [shoot]).  The wearable device, a cross between a shoe and a gun, was the perfect blend of self-defense and stylish good looks.  I just wish someone had explained the concept of recoil.  Now, I am in a walking cast for the next four weeks, but I really feel bad for the guy who was shining my shoets.

Ward's Laws #1986

Ok, it's a proven fact that older gentleman lose their butts.   The fine people at Ward's Laws are here to help. That's why we designed Butt Buddies. Butt Buddies are space age Neoprene pads shaped like youthful cheeks. Never go anywhere without your butt buddies. Women will take notice the first time you bend over to tie your shoe. Remember butt buddies always have your back.

Ward's Laws #1983

Rube Goldberg was fired from his position as a cell phone designer.  He kept insisting on using a mousetrap and a bowling ball as the power button.

I can feel the 2000th Ward's Laws, code named "Shartnado," churning deep inside me.

Ward's Laws #1982

I think the terminology used at old folks homes should be changed. Take for instance the term "walker."  Sure, lots of old farts use them to get around, but I'm not taking the fall for bashing that (potential zombie) old lady for saying "walker" so flippantly.  I think it's her fault for not clarifying her use of easily confusable terminology.  And as for little Timmy...  Suck it up, crybaby.  She was gonna pass away sometime, and yes.  I had to double tap her so we could be sure she wouldn't rise again.  I really have to stop watching the Walking Dead...

19 more Ward's Laws until Shartnado.  The pressure is building......

Ward's Laws #1980

Let me get this straight.  Twilight is a series of five movies, all about a human woman trying to choose between a vampire and a werewolf.  Can you imagine if they threw a zombie in there?  Three more movies with parts all over the place.

Ward's Laws #1978

I have to cut down on the fiber.  I think I pooped out a pinecone a few minutes ago.

Ward's Laws #1976

My first day as a kindergarten student I had to go to the bathroom, so I raised my little hand and asked for permission.  My teacher asked me if I had to go number 1 or number 2.  With an angry look on my face I snapped, "I have to drop a deuce and your asking me math questions?"

Ward's Laws #1974

Hooves on animals make me anxious.

Ward's Laws #1971

If you abbreviate United States all you have is us.

Ward's Laws #1969

U2 gave us all a free gift on iTunes. It's their new album. I thought gifts were typically things you would like?

Ward's Laws #1968

Can you imagine having gym class with that Hunger Games girl.  "It's only dodgeball for trying out loud. Why do you have to whip out the bow for every game. The nurse is out of Bandaids for crying out loud."

Ward's Laws #1965

I was President of the Industrial Arts Club in high school.  At least, that is, until I started wielding my new found powers with impunity.  I guess I shouldn’t have referred to everyone else in the club as peons, but my godlike status did require a certain measure of respect.  After my three-day rule I was promptly overthrown in a bloody coup by the rest of the club.  That’s how I became the first President of PIASA to be impeached.

Ward's Laws #1963

I don't understand the whole smartwatch thing.  They rely completely to the phone in your pocket.  How lazy are you that you'd struggle with a tiny interface when you can use the whole computer if you just reach into your pocket.

Ward's Laws #1961

Why does it seem every other month there's a super moon. Where were they when I was a kid?  I have a little theory. I believe the moon is plummeting toward earth. Probably piloted by moon maidens. We're on the verge of a full out other-worldly invasion. We're all doomed, I tell you! Doomed. There will be beautiful moon maidens all over the world  They will take us prisoner and do unfortunate things to like lock us up and ...  Hmmm. Nevermind.

Ward's Laws #1960

Now that I have a smart phone I never look at the world around me. Luckily, there's an app for that. If it weren't for Google street view I'd walk right into a telephone pole.

Ward's Laws #1958

My barber has strict orders not to show me the back of my hair.

Ward's Laws #1955

Did you ever see a house with tons of stuff outside and wander up to it thinking it was a yard sale?  That's my lawn. Get the heck off of it or I'm calling he cops.

Ward's Laws #1953

I'm baffled by the historians who study the Hatfield McCoy feud.  Dedicating their intellectual life to two family's violent argument which had no effect on our world is kind of pointless in my mind.  Well, at least they have a hobby.

Ward's Laws #1952

Back in the 70's scientists created the mood ring.  A wearable device that could interpret if a person was happy or sad.  More than 40 years later what has science brought us?  Mind-bending mental powers, or cyber enhanced psychic abilities?  No, they're still riding on the laurels of the mood ring.  Come on scientists.  You've got computers and robots, what did we have back then?  Slide rules and the Dewey Decimal system.  Even NASA went back to the rocket.  Just watch a few episodes of Star Trek so you can rip-off more ideas from the past you lazy bums.

Ward's Laws #1950

Ok, I been receiving government subsidies for my FarmVille account over the last five years. So, what's it to ya?

Ward's Laws #1947

A pocket protector doesn't make you a nerd.  It's the slide rule and the things you bling it out with that does.

Ward's Laws #1945

Does anyone know if Febreze can cover the stench of a corpse?  I mean a body in full putrefaction?  Not that I have one here mind you. I'm just thinking ahead...  Ummm... Wondering.  That's it.  I'm just...  Never mind.

Ward's Laws #1943

Bumper pool is the disappointing answer to a small room.

Ward's Laws #1941

My dog is blind.  I believe he thinks I'm a god.  Three times a day I make food appear.  I also make his poop disappear but I don't think he understands that one.

Ward's Laws #1939

My friend Dave didn't go outside a lot. He kept his house really cold in the winter to save on gas prices so I gave him a house plant as a present. That way he could see the change of seasons indoors.

Ward's Laws #1938

Do women ever get stage freight?  In the bathroom, I mean.

Ward's Laws #1936

My dental hygienist was awarded one of the best in her job. She was a little disappointed though. She only got plaque.

Ward's Laws #1934

Forget that old ice bucket challenge.  The new rage to finance aloe research is the scalding bucket challenge.  Get some boiling water and... what?  I was just informed by the Ward's Laws legal team that the last message is now officially retracted.  I wish they would have told me earlier, ouch!

Ward's Laws #1932

Bathroom attendants creep me out.  Isn't there a skill said individual possess that could be used rather than handing someone a paper towel.  No, I don't want a mint.  I'm in a bathroom for crying out loud!

Ward's Laws #1930

I was going to grow my sideburns way out so they would resemble hawk wings, but I was scared a stiff breeze might carry me high in the air.  Being afraid of heights, I quickly shaved the side burns off.

Ward's Laws #1928

I watched the movie "The Purge" only to find out that it had nothing to do with high fiber cereal.

Ward's Laws #1925

So, I'm out shopping for a new fanny pack and I see some guy wearing acid washed jeans.  Man, some people hold on to styles a little too long, don't ya think?

Ward's Laws #1924

I hate hotel newspapers. People's grimy fingers smudging the nice fresh ink, I just know they already read all the good stories. Damn USA Today and its lack of comics. I wonder if we should call yesterday's edition USA Yesterday?

Ward's Laws #1921

I remember when trolls were ugly, naked plastic toys with wild hair.

Ward's Laws #1920

So, I buy a set of scrubs to wear grocery shopping, thinking people will be so impressed.  Well, the geezer in front of me decides to have a heart attack and I start screaming for a doctor.  Everyone is just looking at me, confused.  Then it dawns on me that they think I'm a doctor so I immediately call up the only medical memories I have.  That's right, the stout, Moe Howard looking guy from the board game Operation.  Let's just say the guy pulled through but was minus his funny bone and those pesky butterflies in his stomach.

Ward's Laws #1917

I remember when transactions at stores were as fast as punching in a few numbers on the cash register. But now that they steal your identity with their reward card deceptions, buying a new pair of underwear takes hours.

Ward's Laws #1916

Yeah. I'm that kinda guy. A rebel. Real trouble. Outside food in the Cinema kind of bad.

Ward's Laws #1914

I'll bet bears think humans are the most fragile creatures. Every time they see the silly human drops dead. Of apparently nothing.

Ward's Laws #1912

I've had a case of bottled water in my basement for a few years and I think it's a little past it's expiration date.  Ok, the Sea-Monkeys have evolved enough to have jet skis.

Ward's Laws #1909

I just got a tattoo I think it's called a tramp stamp. It's really a temporary tattoo just in case I don't like the life style that goes with it. Oops... I dropped my car keys again. Now I better bend way over and slowly pick them up.

Ward's Laws #1907

Why do they fold men's dress shirts with a myriad of pins in them?  Cardboard and plastic, with a layer of tissue paper, you know I'm taking one apart so I can try it on.  Why not skip all the packaging and put them on a hanger or do they like to watch me stab myself?

Ward's Laws #1906

I find people wearing shorts and hoodies confusing.

Ward's Laws #1903

I never attend ice cream socials because I'm always afraid I could get roofied.  I'd be all groggy on my third bowl and bam!  I'd wake up some time later with strawberry sauce on my shirt and some jimmies on my cheek with some Dairy Queen's phone number in my pocket.

Ward's Laws #1900

Before going to Assateague Island, make sure you pack plenty of cookies and juice. The amount of blood you lose from those mosquitoes is mind-boggling.

Ward's Laws #1898

I'm so artistic that my kidney stones come out shaped like famous sculptures.  Man, the David was really hard to pass.

Ward's Laws #1895

I think doctors shouldn't fix enlarged prostates.  Think about it.  During the night, I get up so often that it's better than a treadmill.  I don't need a cure; I need running shoes that are comfortable to sleep in.

Ward's Laws #1892

I want to get one of those shirts that says, Thing 2.  When people ask what happened to thing one I'll just act all evasive and say, "I don't want to talk about it.

Ward's Laws #1890

In opposition to the vegan movement I am now meagan. I only use or eat animal products. I had to soak my hemp bracelet in lard to be able to wear it.

Ward's Laws #1886

I just developed the home colonoscopy kit.  Im going to offer it combined with a free upper GI add on.  It's very important to do the upper GI ***FIRST***  If not it it will lead to very bad breath.

Ward's Laws #1884

I recently found out that you can buy wolf urine.  They sell it to scare off coyotes and stuff.  Well, recently there was a drug test at work, and now my boss is acting pretty nice to what he believes is his werewolf employee.  Talk about being an alpha male.

Ward's Laws #1882

If my dog only needs a bath once a month, than it should be good enough for me!  A dab of poop behind my ears and a splash of pine sap and my transformation is complete.

Ward's Laws #1880

I like hanging out at maternity wards. They fall for my tricks every time cause they WERE born yesterday. Lol

Ward's Laws #1877

I went to see an old band from the 80's yesterday.  It sort of depressed me.  Relaxed fit jeans as far as the eye could see.  I felt better after I went home and took a nap.

Ward's Laws #1875

I don't think my in-laws are bothered by the fact that I make veloceraptors out of my mashed potatoes.  But it might be the fact that after I'm done I stomp around their house making growling noises.  At least I haven't bit anyone... yet.

Ward's Laws #1873

Just imagine if Mithradites had invented Gatorade early on in his reign. His troops would have been hydrated properly and would have crushed the Roman Empire.   Excluding the chariot incident, that is.

Ward's Laws #1672

I wonder why nobody ever flipped out on Madge and said, "You mean I'm paying $60 to have my nails done and you're soaking my fingertips in dishwashing liquid?  What kind of psycho are you?"

Ward's Laws #1669

I don't want to say I'm afraid of heights, but I get vertigo on the bathroom scale.

Ward's Laws #1668

Not all monsters come out after dark.  In Congress, they do their evil deeds, mostly, during the day.

Ward's Laws #1865

On the 4th of July, if my neighbors are launching fireworks over my house, would it be wrong of me to shoot back?  I don't think they realize the weapons I've accumulated in my zombie-killing arsenal.

Ward's Laws #1864

Hey, these Spider-Man  Underoos don't make me spider-anything except to wish they came in adult sizes.  Ouch, they really are cutting off circulation where I wish they wouldn't.  I guess my fault though.  I shouldn't have worn them to the beach, but I do look quite European in them.

Ward's Laws #1862

I like watching YouTube videos of people eating ghost peppers and nearly dying form the heat. What I'd like better, would be to watch them on the toilet trying to pass one about an hour later.

Ward's Laws #1860

My former doctor advised me to self-administer a Mentos and Coke enema.  Notice I said former doctor.  Talk about explosive results.

Ward's Laws #1858

My electric car's check engine light came on.  The mechanic told me the mouse died and I'd need a replacement.

Ward's Laws #1855

This one is for D&D players. Don't you feel it's strange that clerics, who can't use edged weapons, have a spell called blade barrier that creates a whirling barrier of razor sharp blades?

Ward's Laws #1854

If Ancient Egyptians were so smart, maybe they should've thought enough to add a front door to their pyramids?

Ward's Laws #1852

If psychics are for real, why do you never hear of one giving their readings for free?  I mean lawyers even do free work for crying out loud.

Ward's Laws #1850

I hate those quizzes on Facebook.  What kind of storm are you, or what Star Trek character are you.  I want to make one that says what kind of fart are you.  Then, underneath it, I want to post.  Ooohh... I got silent but deadly.

Ward's Laws #1847

8 TV's in the place, 3 playing the World Cup, and the other 5 the Pirates. Not one person is watching the soccer game, not even the three kids in soccer uniforms or the guy in the France jersey. #ILoveTheBurg

Ward's Laws #1845

Mr. Clean's eyebrows freak me out.

Ward's Laws #1844

Why do politicians always look so out of place when they appear in public wearing normal clothes. They kind of look like burglars robbing a house with no mask... Wait a minute.

Ward's Laws #1841

I owned the first iPhone, The iPhone 3, 4, and now 5. I feel there is something missing?

Ward's Laws #1840

I sure am glad that jock straps don't come in cup sizes.

Ward's Laws #1838

Why do we use the term redhead when their hair color is orange?  Am I missing something?

Ward's Laws #1836

If you have red hair don't get a spiky Mohawk.  It just makes you look like a rooster.

Ward's Laws #1833

  Installing a trap door in my house wasn't a great idea for someone who's absent minded like me.  Does anyone have a ladder?  I'm getting hungry and have to pee.

Ward's Laws #1831

Why don't amusement parks amuse me?  I just get nauseous and sometimes throw up.

Ward's Laws #1830

What caliber of a gun do you use to shoot pool?

Ward's Laws #1827

Will someone in Hollywood please make JRR Tolkien's book, The Hobbit, into a movie.  Thank you.

Ward's Laws #1825

I'll never wear camouflage to my job again.  They thought I blew off work.  I had to strip down to my underwear so they could see me.  That didn't go over so well either.

Ward's Laws #1822

I've seen enough Slasher movies that I know having very large cutlery sitting out in your kitchen is a really bad idea.

Ward's Laws #1821

I can write my name perfectly in the snow but when it comes to toilets I'm all over the place. What, is there a force field over that thing or something?

Ward's Laws #1818

I thought keeping condiments in my glove compartment was a good idea. Who would've known that the mayonnaise would induce immediate, violent vomiting on the first bite. Now, the second bite went a little better but the third went right down the commode again.  All-in-all, it was still better than a school lunch.

Ward's Laws #1817

I was wearing my coat of arms but I got too hot and had to take it off.

Ward's Laws #1815

I wonder what the line is on the National Spelling Bee.  I'll bet Vegas is gonna make a killing.

Ward's Laws #1813

The movie "Gods and Generals" was so boring I use it as a sleep aid.

Ward's Laws #1810

I invented an app that stores your passwords to all your important programs and sites. I'm putting it up for free cause I don't need money to support the app. Not after I get all of your passwords that is.

Ward's Laws #1808

Bridesmaids dresses are designed to make sure the bride looks prettier than her friends. Why else would you buy a dress that you, or anyone else, would never buy or ever wear at any other occasion for any reason even on a dare.

Ward's Laws #1807

I wonder how many people continued eating Soylent Green even after they found out is was made from people.

Ward's Laws #1805

Why can't I ever remember what I did on past Memorial Days?

Ward's Laws #1803

What's a zombies favorite cookie?  Lady fingers.

Ward's Laws #1801

If we have all this fracking going on in Pennsylvania, why haven't my gas bills dropped?  I mean, they're making this crap in my backyard, right?

Ward's Laws #1798

I tried to create an alternate power source for my car.  I guess using a windmill was a bad choice. An even worse decision might have been to fasten it to my roof with duct tape.

Ward's Laws #1796

India ink was first invented in... China.

Ward's Laws #1795

Why aren't nursery rhymes more age appropriate?

Ward's Laws #1792

What kind of person eats peanut m&ms when there's a perfectly good bag of chocolate ones right beside it?

Ward's Laws #1791

Why do I find the smell of a dog so intoxicating?

Ward's Laws #1789

Why do I always suspect people who run alligator farms of being serial killers?  There's a connection somewhere.

Ward's Laws #1787

"Why is it I never get the cool super powers?"  Phlegm Lad.

Ward's Laws #1785

An old state law that's still on the books says that all Pennsylvania's public servants must believe in a god.  I think it's written to keep those dirty atheists and their scientific lies out of office.  So, from now on, I'll be worshipping the mighty Cthulhu.  I vote you hope for me.

Ward's Laws #1782

I came up with a great spin on the whole dinosaur theme park idea.  I like to call it Geriatric Park.  Thrill to she sights of the all-you-can-eat puree lunch, served promptly at 3:00.

Ward's Laws #1780

I need a pygmy primate marmoset.  It could ride on my shoulder like a Pokemon and I could train it to fight to the death for my amusement.  I just need more badges, dammit!!!

Ward's Laws #1779

Why is it that every time I've nearly completed my army of giant robotic drones the zoning officer shows up.  Do they make these restrictions just to bum me out?

Ward's Laws #1776

The Boston Tea Party must have been a thrilling sight to see.  All those tea bags floating in the harbor, Jebediah Starbuck starting his first coffee shop.

Ward's Laws #1774

Why is it, every time I attend a graduation ceremony I feel like I'm a step away from being in a Harry Potter movie.  All those robes and mortarboards, I just wish I knew what house to root for?  Slytherin or Hufflepuff for me.  

Ward's Laws #1773

I got caught smuggling maple syrup into Canada.  How was I supposed to know that America's hat already had some?

Ward's Laws #1771

I have a trio of computer mice that have non-functional optical drives.  I put them on eBay but they aren't selling.  Maybe I shouldn't have listed them as "three blind mice."

Ward's Laws #1768

I never give bank employees my passwords.  They don't call them tellers for nothing.

Ward's Laws #1767

What purpose did the bolts in Frankenstein's monster's neck have?  Did the good doctor run out of stitches?

Ward's Laws #1765

I just bought the 6 Million Dollar man on eBay. I picked him up for $22.50. Heck, I've paid more for an old laptop. I just hope my PC games will play on his outdated OS.