Ward's Laws #1539

Apparently, A copy machine only makes useless two-dimensional paper copies of things.  So much for my evil 8.5" X 11" army taking over the world.

Ward's Laws #1534

The toilet paper at work needs tripled up just to be considered single ply.

Ward's Laws #1532

The scientific community needs to climb out of their dusty old tombs and let Ward's Laws set them straight.  Dinosaurs didn't have feathers and didn't even go extinct.  They can be seen on Nickelodeon every day in a multitude of colors.  So, put down your cute little diggy things and tune into Barney and Friends you silly eggheads!!!

Ward's Laws #1529

Our microwave at work is really old, I think it was one of the first production models.  It's called an Einstein 1000 cold fusion microwave oven and you're supposed to go behind the lead plating prior to exposing the control rods.  I think it's more a guideline than a warning but it's kind of unusual that none of the staff has children.

Ward's Laws #1528

Did anyone else notice that stationary is the only form of paper that regularly travels?

Ward's Laws #1525

I think the term cowboy is a bit confusing... a cow is a girl and a boy is...er... I think you get my point.

Ward's Laws #1524

Where is Point A and Point B, and why do so many people just want to get to them?

Ward's Laws #1522

Ward's Laws #1522 I think the inventor of the umbrella was either crazy or quite the practical joker. Holding a metal rod in a lightning storm is such a good idea...

Ward's Laws #1520

My car got stuck in the snow the other day so I used the old kitty litter trick for traction.  I guess I shouldn't have used the litter box, because it was kind of full poop so to make a long story short, I'm still stuck.

Ward's Laws #1516

I was kind of nervous before giving my big speech so a friend of mine gave me some advice.  He said, "Just picture the audience in their underwear."  That would have been great advice if I weren't addressing an AARP convention.

Ward's Laws #1514

Watching Finding Bigfoot is like watching Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin...  Any minute now... What was that?  Oh, just an owl... Any minute now...

Ward's Laws #1512

I love when they reenact stories on paranormal TV programs.  But isn't it odd that they always use better looking people to do the acting?  Do good looks make the story much more believable.  If we look to Disney, that statement might just be true.  Evil is always ugly while good is the fairest in the land.

Ward's Laws #1507

I like to visit restaurants that serve foreign food.  Indian and Mexican are among my favorites but there's nothing like eating a fine Canadian breakfast.  My usual haunt for this is the Tim Horton's.  It features some fine Canadian foods like Canadian bacon when placed on a muffin baked with canola oil and topped with American processed cheese (Invented by a Canadian), maple syrup and an egg (no, the egg isn't a Canadian invention but the carton surely is.) On the way out I like to crunch into a nice McIntosh Apple.  So, the next time you heap a pile of instant mashed potatoes on your dinner plate hum a few bars of "O Canada," because you're eating a forkful of it.

Ward's Laws #1505

The whole Michael Myers killing spree could have been avoided. He only wanted to kill his sister... If she would have just gone willingly, think of all the people who could have lived?

Ward's Laws #1504

It's time once again for the crack staff at Ward's Laws to stand up for the downtrodden.  I think the band members from the Steve Miller Band owe me a refund as well as a big apology.  I recently actually listened to their "Fly like an Eagle" 8Track tape and found it severely lacking.  For instance, "Take the Money and Run" literally has no story.  Two young drug-using hicks kill a man while robbing his castle.  Then the song introduces a cop who's good at solving crimes while being paid by (other) peoples taxes (not like his own taxes don't contribute to his income.) Then the couple meets up and gets away... with theft and murder...  Why'd they even put the verses about Billy Mack in the song?  He literally plays no part other than to be criticized!
Don't get me started about how repetitive the rest of the album was.  "Fly like an Eagle" is hypnotic in it's use of only two lines throughout the song.  That pattern is recycled in "Dance, Dance, Dance." (Notice they even used a repetitive title.)  Repetition is just a way of masking lack of creativity.
I believe I spent $5.00 in JC Penney's for this 8Track.  The offending music is 1/4th of the tape so I want  $1.25.  And for the countless hours of having to hear these songs over the radio the grand total they owe me comes to $1,372,668.41.  I'll take my check now you long haired country-fried hippies!!!  Who's the Joker now!!!

Ward's Laws #1500

I think I uncovered proof that the Loch Ness Monster's real!!!  I mean, it's a living creature.  Let me take you through the logic.  Loch Ness Monster is a proper noun.  That implies it is a specific thing or entity.  Do you see where I am going with this?  If it's capitalized it must be a specific thing.  Ergo, since he's not a common noun he must be real!

Ward's Laws #1499

What's the plural of Bigfoot?  Bigfeet?