Ward's Laws #1817

I was wearing my coat of arms but I got too hot and had to take it off.

Ward's Laws #1815

I wonder what the line is on the National Spelling Bee.  I'll bet Vegas is gonna make a killing.

Ward's Laws #1813

The movie "Gods and Generals" was so boring I use it as a sleep aid.

Ward's Laws #1810

I invented an app that stores your passwords to all your important programs and sites. I'm putting it up for free cause I don't need money to support the app. Not after I get all of your passwords that is.

Ward's Laws #1808

Bridesmaids dresses are designed to make sure the bride looks prettier than her friends. Why else would you buy a dress that you, or anyone else, would never buy or ever wear at any other occasion for any reason even on a dare.

Ward's Laws #1807

I wonder how many people continued eating Soylent Green even after they found out is was made from people.

Ward's Laws #1805

Why can't I ever remember what I did on past Memorial Days?

Ward's Laws #1803

What's a zombies favorite cookie?  Lady fingers.

Ward's Laws #1801

If we have all this fracking going on in Pennsylvania, why haven't my gas bills dropped?  I mean, they're making this crap in my backyard, right?

Ward's Laws #1798

I tried to create an alternate power source for my car.  I guess using a windmill was a bad choice. An even worse decision might have been to fasten it to my roof with duct tape.

Ward's Laws #1796

India ink was first invented in... China.

Ward's Laws #1795

Why aren't nursery rhymes more age appropriate?

Ward's Laws #1792

What kind of person eats peanut m&ms when there's a perfectly good bag of chocolate ones right beside it?

Ward's Laws #1791

Why do I find the smell of a dog so intoxicating?

Ward's Laws #1789

Why do I always suspect people who run alligator farms of being serial killers?  There's a connection somewhere.

Ward's Laws #1787

"Why is it I never get the cool super powers?"  Phlegm Lad.

Ward's Laws #1785

An old state law that's still on the books says that all Pennsylvania's public servants must believe in a god.  I think it's written to keep those dirty atheists and their scientific lies out of office.  So, from now on, I'll be worshipping the mighty Cthulhu.  I vote you hope for me.

Ward's Laws #1782

I came up with a great spin on the whole dinosaur theme park idea.  I like to call it Geriatric Park.  Thrill to she sights of the all-you-can-eat puree lunch, served promptly at 3:00.

Ward's Laws #1780

I need a pygmy primate marmoset.  It could ride on my shoulder like a Pokemon and I could train it to fight to the death for my amusement.  I just need more badges, dammit!!!

Ward's Laws #1779

Why is it that every time I've nearly completed my army of giant robotic drones the zoning officer shows up.  Do they make these restrictions just to bum me out?

Ward's Laws #1776

The Boston Tea Party must have been a thrilling sight to see.  All those tea bags floating in the harbor, Jebediah Starbuck starting his first coffee shop.

Ward's Laws #1774

Why is it, every time I attend a graduation ceremony I feel like I'm a step away from being in a Harry Potter movie.  All those robes and mortarboards, I just wish I knew what house to root for?  Slytherin or Hufflepuff for me.  

Ward's Laws #1773

I got caught smuggling maple syrup into Canada.  How was I supposed to know that America's hat already had some?