Mayan Calendar Watch

Occasionally, I like to post something odd happening in my life.  These posts always appear on my Facebook wall.  I thought I'd share one of these gems before I start the "World Domination" scenario.  Below is a series of Facebook Posts I did prior to the end of the Mayan calendar.

Mayan Calendar Watch

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/16/2012  I just finished shopping for my final supplies.  It was terrible in there.  I had to push a three-year-old out of my way so I could get the last Kit-Kat bar.  Soon humanity will begin to break down.  People will start acting like animals.  "SHUT UP YA OLE BIDDY!  AND GET YOUR BONEY HANDS OFFA MY HO-HOs!!!"

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/16/2012  Food stuffs all secured and my water supply is optimal.  I'll be entering my Mayan Doomsday bunker in a few minutes.  I reflect upon my life as I gaze one last time at the stars above.  Passing on that IBM stock, my first Betamax, Pittsburgh Pirate season tickets...  What was I thinking?

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/16/2012  As the doors close on my Mayan Doomsday Bunker I notice that my porch needs to be painted.  I wish I'd seen that earlier.  Now it won't last as long.

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/17/2012  I must reopen the Mayan Doomsday Bunker.  I just realized I forgot to stock toilet paper.  Now I'm making a run for Walmart for toilet paper and socks.  Just don't ask.

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/17/2012  The world's become a savage place.  Parking lots full, store shelves nearly empty, and some guy in a red suit and ringing a bell tried to fleece me of my hard earned change.  I can't wait till I'm safely ensconced back in my bunker once again.

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/18/2012  I hear a rapping noise on my doomsday bunker door.  It must be terrible out there, mass hysteria.  Against my better judgment I break the seal and look outside.  I see my wife and... ohh... Chocolate chip cookies.  As I seal the door once again I hear her say, "Play nice dear."

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/19/2012  I realize I forgot my love; the companion with whom I've shared long walks, movies, my bed, and my life.  How could I subject, the one I've shared my life with, to the horrors of the end of the world.  I unseal the bunker doors yet again and retrieve my dog. 

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/19/2012  The dog needs out again?  How am I ever going to hold back hoards of people seeking sanctuary from the Mayan Doom if I'm constantly letting him out to pee.  This is the last time you butt-scooting varmint.  From now on you have to hold it!

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/20/2012  Food and water are running low.  Having the extra mouth to feed is making my edible supply disappear rapidly. I look at my dog Orie and think?  I can't... I wont...  I make a run, once again, to Walmart for some barbeque sauce.

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/20/2012  It's the eve of doom.  Silly people all about are preparing for work tomorrow when they should be getting ready to have their butts handed to them.  Well, I guess it's the same thing.

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/21/2012  The end is upon us.  My food is nearly exhausted and I am growing ever more delirious.  I need nourishment.  Come here Orie...  Here boy...  Let me pet you nice and softly with this fillet knife here...  Gotta hand it to the mutt.  He sure is nimble.

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/21/2012  I can't exist in this box much longer.  I've been living off Trix cereal and drinking my own urine for the last two days.  The sad thing is it's a million times worse out there.  I believe everything is gone.  A dead world. Humanity is gone.  Man's stunning achievements of architecture like the golden arches of McDonalds, gone.  Great works of art by the likes of Bob Ross and Thomas Kinkade, dust.  Never again will we hear the beautiful lilting voice of Justin Bieber.  How will we ever find out if Leonard marries Penny?  It 's over.  Now, only silence and a steaming juice box full of pee.

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/21/2012  With tentative fingers I undo the complex locking mechanism of the bunker doors.  Heart full of trepidation my mind reels at what I will see.  But I cannot hide in here.  The last man.  The last human.  The last being from the planet Earth.  What awaits me outside I know not.  But I sure know what's in here and it smells really bad.  How can such a small dog make such a terrible stench?  I knew I shouldn't have given him that chili.

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/21/2012  -Final Entry- As the bunker door parts I see a world much like the one I left behind.  Birds fly past and a car drives bye.  CRAP!  Now I gotta pay for all this junk I bought!  Anyone want a slightly used bomb shelter?

Mayan Calendar Watch 12/22/2012 Post Apocalypse Notes:  Ok, the world didn't end... this time.  The next doomsday prophecy is for May 19, 2013.  Ronald Weinland's revised prediction of Jesus Christ's return.  He did predict the same thing in 2011 and 2012 but this time I'm pretty sure he'll get it right.