Ward's Words #710

Sure I'm a big spender. I have so much money that I don't return the carts at Aldi. 

Ward's Words #709

Sadly, the most used app on my phone is the fart app.  I thought my smart phone would rub off on me.

Ward's Words #707

While trimming my ear hair my grooming tool’s battery died.  I only had my right ear done, so I wrapped the left one in a bandage and went to work.  It wouldn’t be so bad but I’m an art teacher, so the nickname Van Gogh kind of stuck.

Ward's Words #704

I think calling a generation “The Greatest Generation” is a bit bold.  Especially if the present generation could possibly have to deal with a Trump presidency.  They’d have to be better than great to make it through that.

Ward's Words #703

What do they do at Mc Donald's if a kid gets caught in one of there playgrounds tubes?  Do they have a long prod?  A plunger?  Or is Liquid Plumber appropriate for this situation.

Ward's Words #700

From now on I’m calling my poop, fecal matter.  Sure, it’s the same thing, but I think it makes me sound like I’m a physicist working at CERN or something.  

Ward's Words #698

While researching my family’s crest I was disappointed to find two distinct symbols prominently emblazoned on the shield.  A can of Spam and a hamster.  What kind of twisted Monte Pythonesque family did I descend from?