Ward's Words #306

I think Steakums bear that name because when you find out what they’re made of, your first comment is, "I thought these were steak ummm."

Ward's Words #304

My home is called a Craftsman.  I think it’s called that because I need a ton of Craftsman tools to keep it standing…

Ward's Words #302

I don’t like to watch Major League Baseball.  I find the constant of flashing gang symbols between the pitcher and catcher a little too disturbing.

Ward's Words #300

My dentist is a direct descendent from the one who worked on George Washington. If only I could get him to whittle my dentures a little faster...

Ward's Words #297

I find it redundant that they ship cardboard boxes in cardboard boxes.  I wonder if they get those shipping cardboard boxes from a cardboard box?

Ward's Words #295

Why don’t my dogs treats taste like beef and cheese?  That’s the last time I steal a snack from him.

Ward's Words #293

Just by his name Batman strikes fear in his foes.  I just don’t get Robin.  Maybe if he is battling The Worm…

Ward's Words #291

The catcher on my high school baseball team only had one finger on his throwing hand.  I thought he really liked my fastballs.

Ward's Words #289

My wife is so thoughtful, she signed me up for the Mars mission.  She knows how much I love science and even though I may never come back… HEY!  Wait a minute!!!  That’s why you moved all my stuff into the basement.

Ward's Words #287

I was just thinking about the movie Star Wars.  The Empire’s plan was to put all their eggs (troops) in one basket (Death Star) and they thought that was a good idea.  Sure, one mega explosion and they lose everything.  What kind of idiot commanders did the Empire have?  They lost all tactical advantages like, let’s surround them and we’ll get them in a crossfire.  I also like how ponderously slow the whole thing turns.  They only had one big gun?  It’s the size of a planet and only one gun?  That’s no way to dominate a star system boys.  I’ll bet General Ackbar was secretly laughing at Darth Vader at some point.

Ward's Words #285

If you've recently had a dog pass away, come down to Ken's Coffins and Cookouts (a subsidiary of Ward's Words) where we specialize in immortalizing your pets lasting memories.  A little barbecue sauce and Spot will stay with you for at lease the next 24 to 48 hours. And if you have a septic tank, then you could say the road to the underworld runs literally right through you.

Ward's Words #283

I started wearing a new cologne.  It’s one of those that has pheromones in it.  It’s not working with women, but the neighborhood dogs seem to like it.

Ward's Words #282

I can’t believe it took the Wright brothers years to figure out flight.  I figured it out in about 3 minutes during study hall.  Unlike the wright brothers, I didn’t get accolades for my invention.  My paper plane got me a prime seat in detention.  Way to go Ambridge Area School District.  Stifle a young inquisitive mind instead of nurturing and fostering it’s growth.

Ward's Words #272

I’m pretty sure the silver jumpsuit is the clothing of the future.  If only someone could figure out a solution for how awkward jumpsuits are in the bathroom, I’d be onboard 100%.

Ward's Words #270

Irregular clothes fit me better than normal ones?

Ward's Words #267

I feel bad for my parents.  Growing up in a bleak, black & white world.  Everyone wearing the same darn clothes.  Men in a suit and greased back hair, while women wore those knee length dress, with white gloves and (once again) one of about three hair styles.  A colorless world of clones bumping about in the near dark.  I’m so glad they invented color when I was a kid.

Ward's Words #266

Being an artist is better than being a chef. Sure, visiting a friend and seeing the tacky art he or she decorates with makes me wince. But if I was a great chef… I’d have to get their food past my refined palate and try not to gag.

Ward's Words #264

I like vacationing in Arkansas.  I feel like a vulcan, science officer observing primitive life forms.

Ward's Words #262

It’s finally spring, so it’s time to break out my Magnum PI shorts and show some thigh.

Ward's Words #261

Things would have gone very differently if Newton was sitting under a coconut tree.

Ward's Words #258

There have been 9 dogs who played Lassie throughout the years.  They were all males.  I just wonder why they never told little Timmy.  He must’ve been confused his whole life.

Ward's Words #257

While channel surfing I watched a little bit of WWE’s RAW.  The fight scenes were so bad that I longed for something more realistic, like Capt. Kirk fighting the Gorn.

Ward's Words #254

I built a time machine out of the thousands of refrigerator magnates I've collected from my mail.  The only problem is it only it takes me past my expiration date.

Ward's Words #253

We, at Ward's Words, have invented the Bad Mood Ring. It comes two sizes too small and turns your finger green.

Ward's Words #251

If someone says, “Give them my best.”  Does that mean you can break into their home and find their choicest stuff and give it away?

Ward's Words #249

If you do paperwork at your job try typing it with 6pt text.  I like to tell my boss I'm saving the planet by using less paper.  It's only a happy coincidence that she gets massive headaches from eyestrain.