Ward's Words #151

If your wardrobe includes having a good hoodie, you need a fashion consultant.

Ward's Words #149

I wonder who was the first person to look at a cotton plant and think, “Hey, I should make a shirt out of that?”

Ward's Words #147

I understand Peter Jackson is going to remake the Harry Potter books.  Legolas will only appear briefly.

Ward's Words #144

Why is it when someone says no offense, it always winds up being offensive.

Ward's Words #142

Is watching The Walking Dead even more disturbing to vegans?

Ward's Words #140

If a horse is vocal while taking a dump, would you call it a Winnie the Pooh?

Ward's Words #139

I think I'm trending on MySpace.  I want to thank both of the people who viewed my page.

Ward's Words #137

Dressing rooms should have a specific butt mirror.  How am I supposed to see if my butt looks good in a pair of jeans if I can’t look back there?  Stores could call it the “butt-view mirror,” or maybe they could hire someone to give their educated opinion.  That person would be the butt-master.  They could spend their days leading people away from poor jeans decisions, such as, too small of pockets or the horrifying muffin top.

Ward's Words #135

I was playing with my car radio the other day and was pretty disappointed when I found the seek button. No missiles, not even a diminutive killer robot. It just changed the channel.

Ward's Words #132

I tried to train a hamster as a service animal but it kept making me walk up the down escalator.  It's almost like it was getting revenge for that spinning wheel in it’s cage.  Walking endlessly and never going anywhere.

Ward's Words #130

There’s something about older women.  Maybe it’s that subtle hint of Ben Gay wafting in their path, I don’t know.…

Ward's Words #129

Why do they use the term live entertainment?  Wouldn't the alternative be a little dead?

Ward's Words #126

I hate scooping my dogs turds off my lawn. I wish I could just flush my yard. If it's yellow let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.

Ward's Words #125

I hate to use hotel showers. I'm always afraid I'll wind up naked on the Internet.

Ward's Words #122

People get weirded out by the group in the Andes plane crash that ate the dead.  Heck, as soon as I get on a plane I start picking out who I'm going to eat.

Ward's Words #121

If they didn't want us to eat the little silica gel packets that businesses pack with so many items they shouldn't put it in those enticing packets that remind me of the prize in cereal boxes.

Ward's Words #119

We should actively protest any and all makers of tortilla chips.  Making their salt-encrusted, awkwardly shaped chips so large they cut your mouth is just sadistic.  Let alone these flat crisps are meant to be dipped into salsa.  Good call snack engineers, I can’t see anyway spilling problems there.

Ward's Words #116

I went to a party and it seemed like everyone there was texting.  It seems social media is the new social.

Ward's Words #115

I like shopping at Whole Foods much better than their sister store Half Foods.  I always feel like I’m getting ripped at that place.

Ward's Words #112

Kids now-a-days are complainers!  When I was a kid, you were the lucky one if you got a lunch lady hair on your pizza burger.  It was like hitting the lottery.  I thought those women were beautiful with their locks pinned back and those plastic sandwich bags on their hands.  Those were the days!

Ward's Words #110

I don’t know about you, but I get really anxious when I do the self-checkout in stores.  I always feel like I have to hurry after I scan the barcode.  If I’m too slow to the bag, I think I’ll be sent to store jail or something…