Ward's Laws #2000

As men age our butts disappear.  No one knows exactly why, but our gluts just seem to erode away.  Strangely, I noticed the other day that my farts are now in a totally different octave.  The pure, crisp notes I use to expel in my youth have become mature bass sound befitting my age.  I find myself wondering if I can manipulate my cheeks in just the right way...  Taking both halves in hand I furiously ply varying pressures to my buttocks attempting to play the "William Tell Overture."   The pace quickens as the tempo builds.  Sweat and a high-fat diet ultimately lead to my demise.  I lost my grip on both my cheek and my concentration and the resulting explosion can only be called a shartnado.