Ward's Words #1113

Having to stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk is really annoying.  Humans are 180 odd pounds of mushy flesh while I’m driving a ton of fine Japanese steel!  But just keep in mind, if you pedestrians go rogue and try strolling outside the confines of the crosswalk, you’re fair game.  I’m going to go all Death Race 2000 on you.  How many points is a 20 something hipster, anyways?

Ward's Words #1110

The Teflon coating on our pots and pans is flaking off, but I look at it as a positive thing. It has turned my bowels into a slip n slide. I literally have to eat while sitting on the toilet.

Ward's Words #1108

So, we take Orie to the vet with some stool samples in Tupperware containers. Our vet has the nerve to look at us like we’re crazy because when we were leaving, April asked if she could have the containers back. What does he think we’re going to put my lunch in tomorrow or pack that piece of pie for gramma in? Plastic doesn’t grow on trees.

Ward's Words #1106

I can magically make blue toilet water green.

Ward's Words #1104

Clownfish aren't funny but at least they don't carry that creep vibe of normal clowns.

Ward's Words #1101

If you saw the thread about left-over Easter chocolate, that’s a good example of Fake News. What kind of dysfunctional household would have left-over chocolate? I’m glad I was raised in a stable home.

Ward's Words #1100

The third holiday treat we are releasing is actually a spin-off of the last one. It’s the Anatomically Correct Easter Bunny; CSI edition. For those youngsters who love crime shows, each of these bunnies holds clues as to how it died. You’re child will be able to dissect the delicate outer shell and find one of 30 different causes. You can choose from “Blunt Force Benny,” to “Stabby Stan.” Or throw them off the trail with “Mesothelioma Moe.”