Ward's Words #782

I could never dated a girl with only one “i” in her name.  I’d always picture her as the grammatical equivalent of a cyclops.

Ward's Words #780

I think we should go back to black and white TV. It'll even the playing field for everyone who’s colorblind. 

Ward's Words #778

Ok, I broke down and bought a pair of fashion jeans. You know, the kind with the holes built into them. Well, I wore them over to my mom's house and within seconds, they were patched and I was told they were now play clothes only. 

Ward's Words #776

I don't want to make fun of the fashion jeans with holes in them but how do you know when they're worn out?  

Ward's Words #774

If hotels refer to us as guests shouldn’t we stay for free?  I mean I let my guests stay for…  Wait a minute.  What kind of patsy am I?  Next Thanksgiving, my freeloading family’s getting a bill.

Ward's Words #773

I can’t wait till I’m old enough to wear cell phone holster so I can look like a gunslinger with a flip phone.

Ward's Words #770

I wish the people in Eggo commercials would learn to use both of the slots in their toaster. That way, they could toast two of their savory waffles and avoid future domestic disputes.