Ward's Words #997

I just lost my job as a bus boy. Somehow the management opposed my views of recycling. Those last diners left a half rack of ribs just sitting there. It would've wound up in some landfill. I had to eat it.

Ward's Words #995

The fine people here, at Ward’s Words (which is much funnier that the former Ward’s Laws) have uncovered the true reason why there is very little evidence for Bigfoot sightings.  As we all know, we have plaster casts of actual footprints, hair samples, but little else.  That’s because they are actually vampires and it is well-documented science that vampires don’t show up in photographs.  For the few skeptics out there; why do all Bigfoot sightings happen at night?  I need Sean Spicer to rebuke the skeptics?

Ward's Words #993

I don’t understand Star Wars. Really, someone shoots a blaster and the Jedi can somehow move fast enough to block the shot which happens to be traveling at the speed of light.

Ward's Words #991

When in the doctor's waiting room, I like to talk to myself imitating Gollum. I like to say things like, "Is it juicy precious? Is it tender?" Really freaks out the others nearby.

Ward's Words #989

Why do they have you announce your name at Alcoholics Anonymous?

Ward's Words #987

I don't like sports bars. All those screens distract me. I'm always watching the wrong game when something good happens.

Ward's Words #985

I don’t chew food with my mouth open because I’m rude. I do it to share my experience of eating with all people close enough to enjoy the show.