Ward's Words #1067

I like the term bathroom duties because I take my duty seriously.

Ward's Words #1065

Atheists are a non-prophet group.  

Ward's Words #1262

I really like the Allegheny Healthcare Pavilion. It was such a great idea to put the Pulmonary department on the top floor with such a lovely view for someone having an asthma attack.  

Ward's Words #1260

I’m really disappointed. Taco Bell says they have the next step in fries, then they show me cheese fries.  I’ve been eating nacho cheese fries for at least 20 years.  They are and were available… everywhere.  Maybe they should say, “We are finally catching up with everyone else and serving fries.”

Ward's Words #1258

This is the last time I pay the paperboy in bitcoin.

Ward's Words #1256

I have taken to wearing yellow pants.  Not for a fashion statement as much as to cover for incontinence.

Ward's Words #1254

Blaming auto-correct for poor spelling is like terrible blaming that smell on the dog.  It’s typically a distraction from it being your fault.

Ward's Words #1252

My 23andMe DNA kit results came in and it’s truly puzzling.  It says my origin is somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy.

Ward's Words #1251

I wonder if Chewbacca was hypoallergenic.

Ward's Words #1247

I left my wallet at home. It was a weird feeling but tolerable. Now if it was my phone, that’d be a different story.

Ward's Words #1244

Back in the day, cigarette companies trained the next generation of smokers with candy cigarettes.  Now, what will they use? Candy vapes?

Ward's Words #1242

If Superman is vulnerable to kryptonite which is a part of his exploded planet, why isn’t he vulnerable to anything else from Krypton?  Kara, aka Supergirl or even Krypto, super dog should kill him.  The ship he arrived in should do him in.  He even carries a crystal from his home planet, but it doesn’t harm him in the least. 

Ward's Words #1241

Leonardo Da Vinci invented what we would call the modern day scissors.

Ward's Words #1238

I hate the time change.  It always throws off my poop schedule. 

Ward's Words #1236

After the coming apocalypse, in a Mad Max world, will we still have to use turn signals?

Ward's Words #1235

I don’t think I have a coat or pair of pants that doesn’t have a plastic bag in one pocket or another, so yes, I have a dog.

Ward's Words #1232

Why have all the children’s games we played become based on playgrounds today?  RedRover, BuckBuck, Kill the Quarterback. Sure, we suffered the occasional broken bone but it was good clean fun. Heck, I’d even go for a good, old game of Kick the Can. 

Ward's Words #1231

Captain Planet used the powers of the earth… and heart?  

Ward's Words #1228

I find it funny that Russia can make hugely advanced nuclear weapons and yet the videos they showed are so amateurish.  Kind of makes you wonder…