Ward's Words #1137

While going through the grocery line I bought some gum.  I didn’t notice it was Nicorette.  Now, I’m up to three packs a day.

Ward's Words #1135

Why do people decorate their bathrooms like it’s the beach?  They must not be vacationing the same places I am.

Ward's Words #1132

A week after my colonoscopy and I find a wristwatch in the toilet. I’m not sure whether the doctor lost it or gave me a prize but they’re not getting it back. 

Ward's Words #1131

Vienna sausages are made in Chicago. 

Ward's Words #1128

I wonder if Merriam Webster misspelled a few words in the first dictionary and never corrected his embarrassing mistake.

Ward's Words #1126

After my clear diet and another dose of Suprep, my colon will be clean enough to eat off of.  

Ward's Words #1125

My wife is going to give me a home colonoscopy exam.  For a fun twist, she's going to use a silly straw.

Ward's Words #1122

Instead of going through the hassle of car inspections I told my car salesman that I'm just going to buy a new one every year.  He was so nice that he invited me to Christmas at his house.  What a guy. 

Ward's Words #1121

Well, my Peanut butter and Naval Jelly sandwich didn’t pan out.

Ward's Words #1118

There may be no I in team. But there certainly is a me which is clearly evident by the displays in the end zone this season in the NFL.

Ward's Words #1116

At the local ice-cream parlor, I had the choice of a sundae or a parfait.  Isn’t that like having a choice between an apple and an apple?  They were the same thing.  

Ward's Words #1114

Now, days after Halloween, comes the time I like to call the sorting. It’s when I sort what is a costume and what’s everyday wear. Oh, a cloak.

Ward's Words #1112

The worst thing you can do while handing out treats during Trick or Treating is to try to guess who the costumed child is.  Listen, you may have all night but that poor goblin only has two hours to make his quota!