Ward's Words #1113

Having to stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk is really annoying.  Humans are 180 odd pounds of mushy flesh while I’m driving a ton of fine Japanese steel!  But just keep in mind, if you pedestrians go rogue and try strolling outside the confines of the crosswalk, you’re fair game.  I’m going to go all Death Race 2000 on you.  How many points is a 20 something hipster, anyways?

Ward's Words #1110

The Teflon coating on our pots and pans is flaking off, but I look at it as a positive thing. It has turned my bowels into a slip n slide. I literally have to eat while sitting on the toilet.

Ward's Words #1108

So, we take Orie to the vet with some stool samples in Tupperware containers. Our vet has the nerve to look at us like we’re crazy because when we were leaving, April asked if she could have the containers back. What does he think we’re going to put my lunch in tomorrow or pack that piece of pie for gramma in? Plastic doesn’t grow on trees.

Ward's Words #1106

I can magically make blue toilet water green.

Ward's Words #1104

Clownfish aren't funny but at least they don't carry that creep vibe of normal clowns.

Ward's Words #1101

If you saw the thread about left-over Easter chocolate, that’s a good example of Fake News. What kind of dysfunctional household would have left-over chocolate? I’m glad I was raised in a stable home.

Ward's Words #1100

The third holiday treat we are releasing is actually a spin-off of the last one. It’s the Anatomically Correct Easter Bunny; CSI edition. For those youngsters who love crime shows, each of these bunnies holds clues as to how it died. You’re child will be able to dissect the delicate outer shell and find one of 30 different causes. You can choose from “Blunt Force Benny,” to “Stabby Stan.” Or throw them off the trail with “Mesothelioma Moe.”

Ward's Words #1099

The second holiday treat Ward’s Words is releasing is the Anatomically Correct Easter Bunny. Parents will be thrilled as we turn a treat into a learning tool. Each juicy part will be labeled and flavored like the real thing. Won’t you be happy when your child says, “Look mom, I got a pancreas!”

Ward's Words #1098

Here, at Ward’s Words, we are releasing three new treats for Easter. The first is called Sour Patch Kidneys. Odd shaped gummies that, when bitten into, release a salty-sour liquid center. They’re best if you warm them up before eating.

Ward's Words #1095

I thought the “mother of all bombs” was Betty Crocker… She does make yellow cake.

Ward's Words #1094

If I had a child, I’d name it Joe. Just so he could wake up to morning Joe.

Ward's Words #1091

Sure, owning a butcher shop next to a cemetery seems convent, but the constant shoveling makes it such a hassle. Winter sure is Hell in Buffalo, NY.

Ward's Word #1090

After watching many Star Wars movies I’ve noticed that the Storm Troopers white plastic armor is completely useless.

Ward's Words #1087

I don't understand why my new restaurant didn’t do so well. It had trendy Mexican food and an equally trendy name. I called it Reflux.

Ward's Words #1086

So, I'm checking out at the store yesterday and they can't process my Blood Glucose test strips without a manager to authorize the transaction. What? Is jabbing your finger so trendy that they are afraid of theft?

Ward's Words #1084

I want to start a home for experimental animals. You know, a mouse with a human ear growing on its back. I like to call them spare parts.

Ward's Words #1081

Now that we have security cameras, April and I can enjoy the great outdoors without that whole getting up and going outside thing.  No more pesky opening doors.  Adios bugs.  Oh, look at the bunny on camera three.  If I only had a drone, I could nuke that silly wabbit from my couch.

Ward's Words #1079

Now, every movie I watch, I wait through the end credits to see if there’s some extra clip with Thor or Iron Man. Beauty and the Beast totally stiffed me.

Ward's Words #1078

I noticed a sign directing me to a life-sized Candy Land game. Seriously excited, I sped to the local only to have my feelings turn immediately to skepticism. It was being held at a church. What kind of bait and switch was this? There’s no fun those places. They even ruin snack time.

Ward's Words #1076

I’m thinking my new hobby might be playing with lithium ion batteries. You know, puncturing them and throwing them into fires. Just harmless stuff like that.