Ward's Words #969

Just wondering here…  Let’s just say, I build my evil hideout on a volcanic island shaped like a skull.  Do I have to get permits to dump my nuclear waste into the sea or am I now outside the EPA’s regulatory reach?  I don’t want to commit and violations mind you.

Ward's Words #968

I think the Humane Society has it all wrong.  Clubbing seals sounds like a lot of fun.  I can see them dancing under some disco ball and partying the night away.

Ward's Words #965

In Star Wars, the characters speak English but their computer screens display a bunch of strange, random shapes. 

Ward's Words #963

In 2015 the total spending, Discretionary as well as Mandatory spending was 16%.  Far less than the 28% for Human Health and Services and Social Security at 25% although it is much more than Education at 3%.  I wonder what the total government spending on Bigfoot conservation was?

Ward's Words #962

At Ward’s Words, we strive to make our products safe for customers as well as our employees.  Therefore, we will hereby discontinue testing our make-up line on lemurs.  We not only find it cruel but the subjects get very bitey after a goodly dose of lip gloss.

Ward's Words #959

I was told I had nice skin. I thought it was a compliment until I found out the guy who said it was a serial killer.  I think I was going to be his next skin suit.

Ward's Words #958

What happened to Anikin Skywalker’s voice?  He spoke like a regular young adult but in under twenty years, he changed his word choice and speech pattern so drastically?  I guess if I could sound like James Earl Jones I’d go to the Dark Side too.

Ward's Words #956

So, some smarty pants got me a stocking for the holidays. Just what I need. Another single sock. I guess I'll just add it to the drawer full I already have. 

Ward's Words #954

I wanted to get a jump on bikini season so I visited the nearest salon. The woman backed away muttering something about there not being enough wax at Yankee Candles for a guy like me. 

Ward's Words #951

At Ward’s Words, we strive to make the day-to-day lives of our customers a priority.  Therefore, we will hereby discontinue using permanent marker in our new line of eyeliners. It seems by permanent, Sharpie actually means about a week.

Ward's Words #949

I'm so old that when I was a kid, it was right after the ice age and around the holidays we'd be bad just for the lumps of coal in our stockings.

Ward's Words #945

I think Ancient Alien Theorist is an acronym for "A nut bag who makes unlikely connections and believes that the answer to any question must be aliens."  Question; The blocks making up the pyramids are so precise a piece of paper can't fit between them. Ancient Alien Theorist answer; Alien Technology. Real answer; they were smarter than we give credit for. They had saws. Or is it more compelling to dream that they had light sabers? 

Ward's Words #944

Aren't green holiday lights kind of like dressing deer in camouflage?  You can barely see them. The whole tree is green. 

Ward's Words #943

The fine people at Oxy made a facial pad. After briefly considering Oxycotton they quickly changed gears and dubbed it facial pads.  I wonder why?

Ward's Words #940

For the holidays, I got one of those projectors that display dots of light on my house. I didn't realize they'd be shining through the windows all night. I find it terribly distracting while I watch reruns of the Golden Girls. And the cats, my gosh the cats are going positively crazy. It's like a million laser pointers all over my walls. 

Ward's Words #939

Why do Osage Orange trees grow Hedge Apples?  They must be the platypus of the tree world.