Ward's Words #782

I could never dated a girl with only one “i” in her name.  I’d always picture her as the grammatical equivalent of a cyclops.

Ward's Words #780

I think we should go back to black and white TV. It'll even the playing field for everyone who’s colorblind. 

Ward's Words #778

Ok, I broke down and bought a pair of fashion jeans. You know, the kind with the holes built into them. Well, I wore them over to my mom's house and within seconds, they were patched and I was told they were now play clothes only. 

Ward's Words #776

I don't want to make fun of the fashion jeans with holes in them but how do you know when they're worn out?  

Ward's Words #774

If hotels refer to us as guests shouldn’t we stay for free?  I mean I let my guests stay for…  Wait a minute.  What kind of patsy am I?  Next Thanksgiving, my freeloading family’s getting a bill.

Ward's Words #773

I can’t wait till I’m old enough to wear cell phone holster so I can look like a gunslinger with a flip phone.

Ward's Words #770

I wish the people in Eggo commercials would learn to use both of the slots in their toaster. That way, they could toast two of their savory waffles and avoid future domestic disputes. 

Ward's Words #768

While pumping gas I always press the "Speak to attendant" button. It gets lonely standing there all by myself. 

Ward's Words #766

Where does the voice in my head come from when I read and why doesn't it sound more like Morgan Freeman. 

Ward's Words #765

Like Native Americans, I believe in using the whole animal so I'll be eating Slim Jims for every meal. 

Ward's Words #762

I can see the next hipster trend.  The return of the 8-Track Tape…  

Ward's Words #760

Being an artist sure doesn't help me with my DIY projects around the home. My Cubism plumbing, for instance, is a clog waiting to happen. 

Ward's Words #758

So many newspapers are going out of business.  What’s superman going to do when the daily planet goes under?  I fear for our country…

Ward's Words #757

I am against the cruel things farmers do when raising chicken.  To battle this gross treatment I pledge only to eat eggs.  That way I figure I’m beating them to the punch and stopping the cruelty before it starts.

Ward's Words #754

Alright. I'll admit it. Playing Jenga with railroad ties was a bad idea. Playing it where there is no cell connection was even a worse idea. 

Ward's Words #752

Why would Kryptonians invent a chamber that turns them from super beings to humans?  What purpose would it have had on their planet where they were already like humans.

Ward's Words #751

As a home designer, my greatest achievement and most crushing failure was my open concept kitchen/bathroom.  I knew I should’ve stopped at that gas station before the first open house.