Ward's Words #748

I’m going to make stainless steel sharks teeth as replacements for the elderly. I think I’m going to call them, “Dentures for the Daring.”

Ward's Words #746

People love to be trendy. I hear some say they love Johnny Cash but I never hear them listening to him. Let's start a new hipster fad and call it, “The way it really is.” He sucks in the framework of today's music. 

Ward’s Words #745

That moment when your employer is so sick of spending money on health care, of which he feels not enough employees are using, he decides to add black mold to the building.

Ward's Words #742

Seriously, I thought it was pants optional day at work today. Drat, why did it have to coincide with Aquaman Thursday.  Human resources is gonna hear about this. 

Ward's Words #741

Just when I figure out the perfect place to wedge a pack of matches so my 8 Track will play right, BAM, cassette tapes steal the market.  Wonder where you put the matches in an MP3?

Ward's Words #739

So, I’m down at the courthouse just browsing around when someone asks if she can help me.  I innocently ask where I file for a license to kill?  The next thing I know I’m paying another visit to Homeland Security.  

Ward's Words #737

Gummy Bears are so cute it’s almost possible to forget they’re made of boiled bones, skins and tendons of animals. 

Ward's Words #734

Isn’t it sweet how drug companies use cute little mascots, like a spleen to entice you to buy their products.  Hey, if my pancreas wants me to take your drugs I’ll do it.  Who cares if it causes 13 deadly side-effects and monsteritis, I don’t care.  These hangnails are driving me nuts.  I’d do anything to get rid of them.

Ward's Words #732

Tonight is Earth Hour. People around the world will be turning their lights off at 8:30 for one hour to show their awareness of climate change.  Luckily (or sadly) my wife and I will probably already be in bed. Man, are we old. 

Ward's Words #730

Some guy threatened me saying, he was gonna bust a cap in my head.  I wasn’t scared.  Caps were the 1960’s equivalent of blanks.  We used to hit them with hammers for crying out loud!  He would’ve done better throwing snap pops at me.

Ward's Words #729

The subway station reminded me of a modern kitchen. You know, with all that subway tile in it.

Ward's Words #726

I don't like a well insulated house. It muffles my screams for help when a serial killer comes a knocking. 

Ward's Words #725

When I was young I went to school to be an orthopedic surgeon. I dropped out when I learned it was hard to get your foot in the door. 

Ward's Words #722

I couldn't live with the actress who plays Carole on the Walking Dead. The first time she casually says, "Look at the flowers," I'd be so out of there. 

Ward's Words #720

So, I'm doing some research for my zombie book. You know, Googling things like, "How well do human bodies burn."  Stuff like that. Well, to make a long story short. The fine people at Homeland Security have no sense of humor.  At least they didn't tase me like last time. Then again, I was being a little salty.

Ward's Words #719

It's pretty sad when you think something is an anachronism in your childhood photo but it just turns out to be a Walkman. 

Ward's Words #717

All you people who've called me a hoarder are going to be so sorry when platform shoes make a comeback. I wonder if the goldfish are still alive. 

Ward's Words #714

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that death and breath sound so much alike.  How about a mint?

Ward's Words #713

I get officially cured of March Madness when Pitt loses.

Ward's Words #710

Sure I'm a big spender. I have so much money that I don't return the carts at Aldi. 

Ward's Words #709

Sadly, the most used app on my phone is the fart app.  I thought my smart phone would rub off on me.

Ward's Words #707

While trimming my ear hair my grooming tool’s battery died.  I only had my right ear done, so I wrapped the left one in a bandage and went to work.  It wouldn’t be so bad but I’m an art teacher, so the nickname Van Gogh kind of stuck.

Ward's Words #704

I think calling a generation “The Greatest Generation” is a bit bold.  Especially if the present generation could possibly have to deal with a Trump presidency.  They’d have to be better than great to make it through that.

Ward's Words #703

What do they do at Mc Donald's if a kid gets caught in one of there playgrounds tubes?  Do they have a long prod?  A plunger?  Or is Liquid Plumber appropriate for this situation.

Ward's Words #700

From now on I’m calling my poop, fecal matter.  Sure, it’s the same thing, but I think it makes me sound like I’m a physicist working at CERN or something.  

Ward's Words #698

While researching my family’s crest I was disappointed to find two distinct symbols prominently emblazoned on the shield.  A can of Spam and a hamster.  What kind of twisted Monte Pythonesque family did I descend from?