Ward's Words #697

If you've ever experienced one of those links that take you to a video, that then strings you along for ten minutes without telling you the information you were waiting for. We should all line up the people responsible for waisting our time and have a turn punching them in the throat. 

Ward's Words #694

I love when the snow melts away revealing the hidden jewels left behind by my dogs excrement. It's a veritable poop fiesta maybe we could make a holiday out of it.  All Scoopers Day.  

Ward's Words #692

Satellites, radar, instant communication, and yet the weather forecasters still can't figure out an accurate prediction until it's happening. Maybe we should take the prefix fore out of their names. Fore meaning before. And change it to present. They could be present casters. 

Ward's Words #690

Wiping your bum is such a guessing game. Did ya get it all?  Was my finger poking through?  That's why the good people at Ward's Words invented the rear view mirror. 

Ward's Words #688

I need to get rid of HGTV.  I’ve gutted the house and now… Aww Crap!!!

Ward's Words #687

I remember my mom setting up play dates for me with the Dahmer family just down the street.  All I remember is that he was really bitey. 

Ward's Words #685

Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez is the Obi Wan of the highlander series.

Ward's Words #682

Ok, I guess having a semi-dry basement doesn’t mean I have a Bed-&-Breakfast.  “Get back down there!  The Pop Tarts are almost done!!!”

Ward's Words #681

Remember, your homes curb appeal is only good when you try to sell it. In order to better protect your house from thieves the fine people at Ward's Words have developed a new product called curb repel. It is made from recycled corrugated cardboard and will give any home the look of a large refrigerator box. 

Ward's Words #679

I don't understand it. Charlie Brown was so infatuated with the little red haired girl but yet he never knew her name. Charlie Brown's one crappy stalker. 

Ward's Woods #676

I always start flossing a few days before I visit the dentist.  It’s a freaking bloodbath, but I think I have him fooled.

Ward's Words #675

If I told you about people playing hurt, maybe lacking teeth or bearing various scars from stitches, you’d think I was talking about a hockey game.  Alas, no, I’m referring to the last time I played bingo.  Sure, it was an old-folks home but those seniors can get pretty feisty.  

Ward's Words #672

I had my mouth swabbed for a DNA test.  They found that I was German, French, Irish, and meatloaf.  Maybe I should’ve brushed my teeth before the swabbing happened.

Ward's Words #671

With those hipster beards all the rage, I feel bad for the guys who have trouble growing even just a few chin hairs. Addressing this inequity, The fine people at Ward’s Words have created “The Neard.” Nearly a beard, The Neard is a toupee for the chin that looks really great unless you get to near. Don’t be a nerd, wear a Neard.

Ward's Words #669

When I was a child, I remember the day my father abdicated the throne for me.  I really had to go and it was number two…

Ward's Words #667

At the college I attended, the science facility had a clean room.  You’d think they’d fire their custodians.  One freak ‘en clean room.

Ward's Words #664

Why is Superman's heat vision red. He is weakened by Kryptonite which is green but emits the red rays from his home worlds sun. He gains his strength from our yellow sun which emits a white light. Did DC comics just like throwing colors in there just to confuse us?

Ward's Words #663

I should've never moved near a rifle range. Every time they start shooting I think it's the beginning of the zombie apocalypse and take steps to ensure my safety. Let's just say my neighbors are really glad I'm a terrible shot.