Ward's Words #431

My friend was constipated and after returning from the bathroom, I asked him how it went.  He answered that it was nothing to write home about.  All I know is that he and I write home about totally different subjects.

Ward’s Words #428

You know your municipality is having hard financial times when they issue Chinese finger traps to the police in lieu of handcuffs.  

Ward’s Words #427

I sure hope mankind develops the technology to colonize other planets soon. That way, we can leave a trail of the worlds we've destroyed, but, by all means, fracking is safe and clean. Heck, 99% of our scientists are probably wrong about climate change, but they sure got it right with Viagra.  Millions of men pop those puppies like Tic Tacs, without even checking into the science behind that little blue pill.  That stuff causes bone pain, breast enlargement and sexual problems in men, to name but a few, but if guys don't care about side effects like those, then why would they care about global extinction?

Ward's Words #425

I like to pee while swimming in the reservoir. That way, everyone I know has a tiny particulate of me in them.

Ward's Words #423

Ward's Words #423 I just watched a special on how archeologists moved the ancient temple of Abu Simbel. They cut it apart with huge hand saws. And Ancient Aliens tries to tell us it would take superior technology to cut stone so precisely.  Egyptian hieroglyphics even show them using hand saws. Fool me once, shame on you...

Ward's Words #421

Have you ever bought a greatest hits album just to determined that the band had totally different criteria for the term hits than you do.

Ward's Words #418

I just watched an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter.  Did anyone else notice that he uses paintball guns.  “Stop, or I’ll make a discolored mark on your clothing.”

Ward's Words #416

A couple of hobbits just asked me if my septic tank is Mount Doom.  And the answer to your question is yes, it did destroy the One Ring. 

Ward's Words #414

Did you ever wonder how many serial killers you come in contact with throughout your life?

Ward's Words #413

The new Colonel Sander’s inappropriate laugh reminds me of George Bush’s. 

Ward's Words #411

Close your eyes and try to picture the back of your hand.  That’s right, if someone says they know something like the back of their hand, they probably don’t know much.

Ward's Words #409

My wife and I bought these eco friendly grocery bags.  You know the type, you take them into the store to carry your groceries out.  Well, we never remembered to take them in and so I wound up throwing them out.  Anyhow, yesterday I got a call from Ocean City and they said the eco friendly bag I threw out killed a dolphin.  This is the last time I write my name and address inside anything ever again.  I should’ve learned after the tragic giraffe/underoos incident.  So, any who, I’m going to stop trying to be green.  The environment isn’t any safer if I’m in it.

Ward’s Words #407

I just turned on my Tamagotchi and man was he screwed up?  Being cooped up in that tiny device for the nearly 20 years didn’t sweeten his disposition.

Ward's Words #405

I've been having some trouble coming up with new compositions for my paintings when it dawned on me. Coloring books. I've been such a patsy. Using my own mind when I could ride off the guiding lines of others.

Ward's Words #402

I think the History Channel has become the Ancient Aliens Channel.

Ward's Words #401

The question is, do you smile for a mug shot or try to act cool? I’m kinda in a hurry so I need to know right now…

Ward's Words #399

Any news reporter, who says climate change is wrong while a stock market report streams in the background is not reliable. 

Ward's Words #397

I think my dad was the brains behind the modern rails to trails movement.  Back in the 60’s he would take me and my brother to the railroad to play. It would’ve been easier to dodge the trains if we weren’t in a tunnel.

Ward's Words #395

I'm glad the thumb evolved facing the body. If it was on the other side, your fork would point away from your face. 

Ward's Words #393

When I'm in Ohio, I do whatever I want. I drive fast while texting, fight, steal. I do it all. I figure if they try to put me in jail I can just claim diplomatic immunity. Bingo, Pennsylvania will come to my rescue and I'll be back on the streets in less than an hour. 

Ward's Words #391

Every time the guys on Ancient Aliens mention Lake Titicaca I crack up like a third grader.  It wouldn't be so bad if they didn’t mention it several times in almost every show.

Ward's Words #390

If you're the driver on a tandem bike, is it normal to be paranoid that the person behind you isn't peddling. 

Ward's Words #387

The police in Hazard County are pretty lame. The Duke boys take them on a high speed chase and when they get away, the police seem to forget they ever broke the law. Couldn't the local cops just drive up to their house and arrest them?  If a criminal leaves the police man's sight, are they now innocent?  Every episode, these boys broke the law and got away with it.