Ward's Words #344

I had to close my origami animal petting zoo. Paper cuts started a feeding frenzy in the paper tiger area and with the price of band aids.  I just had to fold my business.

Ward's Words #341

I bought an Egg McMuffin knock-off at a local gas station.  a sticker on it’s side said it’s best if used by Monday.  I’m just trying to figure out which Monday they were talking about?

Ward's Words #340

Whatever happened to the No #1 pencil?

Ward's Words #338

The crack researchers at Ward's Words have uncovered a new disease. It's called Sudden Bowel Movement or SBM. We correlated it when we get a good 20 miles from home and I have to find a bathroom suddenly. Oh, that gentle swaying of the car lulls my bowels into action every time.

Ward's Words #335

When I see someone wearing pajamas out in public, I immediately wonder if those are his/her good pjs.  You know, the ones you’d wear on special occasions.

Ward's Words #334

I tried to make my very own Godzilla by placing my lizard in the microwave.  I figured microwaves, radiation, heck, they’re probably the same thing.  Now, the house has a funky smell and I have to clean the microwave… again.  How was I supposed to know how long to put him in for?

Ward's Words #332

Since the Greek god Pan was the inspiration for the goatee, could we say the facial hair style was inspired by a goat?  Because I usually choose my styles from domesticated animals.

Ward's Words #330

At what age do you stop playing the lottery? What are you going to buy?  You’re too old to travel.  You can’t taste rich foods.  Where does the spending spree start?  “I’m gonna get that second set of dentures for eating corn.”

Ward's Words #327

Why do we find the idea of eat some cookies with a big old glass of human breast milk so unappetizing, but exchange the human milk with a cows shouldn’t that be even more gross?

Ward's Words #326

If Darwin would have found my septic tank he wouldn’t have needed to go all the way to Galapagos Island, he could have seen evolution here.  Sure, it may be more of a mutation, but I’m seriously considering changing my diet.

Ward's Words #324

When my dad got his pacemaker changed I asked for the old one.  I figured it'd be good for something on eBay. I mean it lasted 7 years on one charge. My phone completely drains in a day. It’s probably some kind of alien technology.

Ward's Words #322

Does anyone else get anxious while having an eye exam. The constant, "which is better.  This or this."  I get flustered and start second guessing my choices.

Ward's Words #319

After passing a shoe lying beside the road, did you ever try to piece together what happened?  Why one shoe?  I feel like Castle, trying to piece together the scene of the crime. I know what a single sock means but a shoe?

Ward's Words #318

I thought I'd redesign the laptop.  I guess thinking outside the box was a bad idea. The lapbottom tended to overheat and had a really weird smell.

Ward's Words #315

I went to the store to purchase two mother’s day cards.  The clerk asked me for $14.00 for the pair and I walked out.  $7.00 apiece for something that is going to be opened, read, passed around the room and by the end of the day, be in the garbage can.  No way, I tell ya.  Where're my crayons!!!

Ward's Words #313

I had the great idea to tie dye my swimming trunks.  I guess I shouldn't have used watercolor paints.  Worse yet, I went really heavy on the yellow.

Ward's Words #312

I joined the back hair club for men. I'm not just a member, I'm the president and after I take my shirt off, their God.

Ward's Words #310

Did you ever try to throw away a garbage can?  It's nearly impossible.  They are the boomerangs of the trash business.  I even wrote a note on one.  It said, “This is garbage.”  The waste management person wrote underneath, “No it's not.  It's where you put the garbage.  We call it a trash can.”

Ward's Words #308

My dad may look like Yoda, but he never trained me in the Jedi ways.  I think he’s holding out.