Ward's Laws #1903

I never attend ice cream socials because I'm always afraid I could get roofied.  I'd be all groggy on my third bowl and bam!  I'd wake up some time later with strawberry sauce on my shirt and some jimmies on my cheek with some Dairy Queen's phone number in my pocket.

Ward's Laws #1900

Before going to Assateague Island, make sure you pack plenty of cookies and juice. The amount of blood you lose from those mosquitoes is mind-boggling.

Ward's Laws #1898

I'm so artistic that my kidney stones come out shaped like famous sculptures.  Man, the David was really hard to pass.

Ward's Laws #1895

I think doctors shouldn't fix enlarged prostates.  Think about it.  During the night, I get up so often that it's better than a treadmill.  I don't need a cure; I need running shoes that are comfortable to sleep in.

Ward's Laws #1892

I want to get one of those shirts that says, Thing 2.  When people ask what happened to thing one I'll just act all evasive and say, "I don't want to talk about it.

Ward's Laws #1890

In opposition to the vegan movement I am now meagan. I only use or eat animal products. I had to soak my hemp bracelet in lard to be able to wear it.

Ward's Laws #1886

I just developed the home colonoscopy kit.  Im going to offer it combined with a free upper GI add on.  It's very important to do the upper GI ***FIRST***  If not it it will lead to very bad breath.

Ward's Laws #1884

I recently found out that you can buy wolf urine.  They sell it to scare off coyotes and stuff.  Well, recently there was a drug test at work, and now my boss is acting pretty nice to what he believes is his werewolf employee.  Talk about being an alpha male.

Ward's Laws #1882

If my dog only needs a bath once a month, than it should be good enough for me!  A dab of poop behind my ears and a splash of pine sap and my transformation is complete.

Ward's Laws #1880

I like hanging out at maternity wards. They fall for my tricks every time cause they WERE born yesterday. Lol

Ward's Laws #1877

I went to see an old band from the 80's yesterday.  It sort of depressed me.  Relaxed fit jeans as far as the eye could see.  I felt better after I went home and took a nap.

Ward's Laws #1875

I don't think my in-laws are bothered by the fact that I make veloceraptors out of my mashed potatoes.  But it might be the fact that after I'm done I stomp around their house making growling noises.  At least I haven't bit anyone... yet.

Ward's Laws #1873

Just imagine if Mithradites had invented Gatorade early on in his reign. His troops would have been hydrated properly and would have crushed the Roman Empire.   Excluding the chariot incident, that is.

Ward's Laws #1672

I wonder why nobody ever flipped out on Madge and said, "You mean I'm paying $60 to have my nails done and you're soaking my fingertips in dishwashing liquid?  What kind of psycho are you?"

Ward's Laws #1669

I don't want to say I'm afraid of heights, but I get vertigo on the bathroom scale.

Ward's Laws #1668

Not all monsters come out after dark.  In Congress, they do their evil deeds, mostly, during the day.

Ward's Laws #1865

On the 4th of July, if my neighbors are launching fireworks over my house, would it be wrong of me to shoot back?  I don't think they realize the weapons I've accumulated in my zombie-killing arsenal.

Ward's Laws #1864

Hey, these Spider-Man  Underoos don't make me spider-anything except to wish they came in adult sizes.  Ouch, they really are cutting off circulation where I wish they wouldn't.  I guess my fault though.  I shouldn't have worn them to the beach, but I do look quite European in them.